Was it really 4 years?

We had a little chat after an event last Saturday with a lady I haven't seen much (due to being away for uni)...and she asked me how long I had been away...4 years...so much has happened in those years its scary looking back at them!

So she turns round and exclaims to my Mum "did you know she's been away for 4 years?" to which my Mum replied "yes...and I know she's back cos my life is busier when she's around...dr's visits, physio appointments, surgeries, specialist appointments...." oops... sorry Mum.

But yes my poor Mother turns into a bit of a driver for many of these appointments as I cant take myself a lot of the time. Firstly I can't drive (yet...I'm working on this ok...in my head at least, but I do use alternative transport when I can), and quite often I need her as an extra set of ears because I forget so much. Being 24 and living with a chronic health condition changes what we classify as 'normal'...for me a meds schedule is normal, ongoing physio is normal, regular dr visits are normal, needing to rest during the day can be normal, struggling to stand up at the end of the day is normal, being unemployed is normal...and the list goes on...

None of these things were part of my 'normal' life 4 years ago, in fact I hardly spent much time sleeping and I worked my ass off to save money while studying full time, as well as having plenty of social activities I kept myself active with...and I didn't need to rely on my Mum to take me places much (I didn't drive back then either but I'd walk, cycle or bus most places).

Change, that is the one constant in life and sometimes it changes dramatically in ways you never thought would happen to you. When S said to my Mum "did you know she's been away for 4 years?" I starting thing wow...what a load has happened in that 4 years, my life completely changed...and you look back and think what a blessing it was to not know what was going to happen cos if I had known, I'm not sure I would have been game to carry on like I have....which brings me to my next point...

I passed second semester (yes that was a pass...), I've known this for a few days but its not been the climatic relief and didn't bring on the celebration bells quite as much as it has for a few other people in my year. Well, because I still can't say I passed 3rd year which is what all my friends are doing...I still have to sit that component I missed back in May...but now I have the date for that, 18th of January I get to go down and sit my pathology component and once that is done and graded I will be able to say I passed 3rd year. But until then I just am pretty sure I will pass it. But I dont KNOW it, and thats the difference, I dont want to jinx myself by saying I passed when I havent technically yet...pathology isn't too difficult though (providing I actually get down to studying and revising) so I'm going to pass.
But can you believe...I'm actually going to head into 4th year with the majority of my 1st year class...I have made it this far without lagging behind or failing anything..despite health issues, hospital admissions, too many accidents to count, and despite a number of people's disbelief that I could...hmm...now the test will be to make it through 4th year unscathed and my ultimate dream at the moment is to graduate beside all my friends knowing I kept up all the way through...now wouldn't that be something...so watch this space around this time next year...fingers crossed you see graduation photos!

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride...

How I wish that I could stop feeling sick. Nausea sucks...

nausea+random pain+crps pain+exam stress=too much.

I'm being worn down by having to deal with all this, despite the fact I have actively stopped stressing about exams, I know subconsciously I still am. But I have been through exams with crps before and I didn't make myself physically sick so I'm inclined to think that there is more going on.
Also the nausea started over a month ago, way before even the hint of exam pressure was dawning.

I feel worse once I have eaten, which is making life difficult as you cant just stop eating (or at least I cant afford to).

I have figured out that a piece of toast in the morning (minus the bottom crust) and a glass of juice to take my meds, will stay down. Any more and I have trouble stopping it come back up. Lunch time I can eat a few crackers and an apple or a yoghurt if I'm lucky...
Dinner mostly I'm eating almost 2/3rds of what I had been and feel pretty sick but can keep it down if I stay still.
If I try eating any more than that then watch out my stomach will not like it and it wont stay down.
I'm sipping water throughout the day so I'm keeping hydrated.

Last night I had a piece of chocolate cake a bit after dinner and boy did I regret it afterwards but it did taste nice :)

I'm not sleeping due to the tummy pain and nausea, feeling pretty tired due to the lack of sleep, end of semester and probably lack of food.
Starting to get pretty upset with myself because I'm not able to spend the time I know I should be and need to studying. I have to lay curled up a lot because that's the best position to keep from puking and you cant study like that (not when you feel rotten anyway).

I'm starting to notice subtle signs that I'm losing weight, which is something I am very aware I need to stop because I don't have reserves to loose.
A friend suggested I just become anorexic to solve the problem!!!which is terrible advice, there is no way I can afford to even get myself into that way of thinking.

I have a Dr's appointment tomorrow to get a medical certificate to go with my special consideration application and I really hope that this guy will be able to suggest something to help me feel better.
Because its been suggest this is related to crps I don't really know what to think about it. I cant wait for my pain specialist appointment next month to ask him his opinion, because I guess he is my specialist and will hopefully give me some direction on what could be going on. I don't like the thought this actually could be crps, I don't deal well with nausea and if I cant get it under control there is no way I am going to be able to get through the rest of the year with clinical placements etc. I just don't see it possible...crps is hard enough without adding daily nausea to it.

I'm just so tired of no relief and no end in sight, what could possibly be causing all this to be happening?

She's on my side

I have an ally and it feels so good knowing she is on my side. The associate dean actually said that she knew I had what it takes to do this, but my body was being difficult just now.
She was really nice and understanding...I felt so bad that I was presenting with yet another problem, but as she said, I couldn't do anything about the free fluid and being ill and how it affected me and that it was important to listen to my body and rest if that was what I needed to do. That I cant do any more than I am just now and she realises that and also realises that I dont like the situation so I am doing as much as I can.

She is going to try and sort out the missed terms test but said it is not something that gets resat next year so I'm not sure what will get done about it. Its only finals that get offered as specials at the beginning of the following year. I'm also to fill out special consideration for all my upcoming practicals and exams because of how my preparation and performance will have been affected and she said if I do not pass anything then it should be taken into consideration and not affect terms (rhis round most of them are internals for full year papers, only one is a final exam). I'm hoping that I will scrape through but just now I'm not sure I have a proper handle on anything, fingers crossed thats just a feeling and I'm not as behind as I think.

So thats one meeting down, yet another meeting tomorrow with the disability office to see how they can help me sort out this mess. I'm hoping they have a good plan of attack to help me wade through all the missed classes etc. I'm also hoping that I dont cry...I always end up crying in these meetings and I feel so weak when I do, and that I must look pathetic. I just want to show them I can do this and its hard having to admit to needing help when you pretend to look so normal to the outside world. Its like a double edged sword "I'm fine, I'm fine...but I need help..."

I feel fake

Superhuman I am not...

...so why do I take on more than my fair share? Why do I continually say I will take care of things when its clear I'm having trouble just being here?

Because I need to be in control, in charge; to make sure things are done to my standard and I'm not up for compromise, I'm pathetic.

Its after 7pm on a Sunday night, I've just taken the whole last week off uni to try and get better (which I don't seem to have achieved), my foot and leg is yelling at me (its pretty high on the pain scale), muscles in my leg are spasming uncontrollably, my thigh is not even liking the lightness of my trouser touching it, my back hurts, my head is pounding I can hardly focus and I'm physically and mentally exhausted... and I'm sitting at uni organizing a poster presentation.

WTF??? how did I let myself?

Yes the other's have contributed, yes they have done their part in this but I took it upon myself to put the whole load together, to spruce up the sample poster, to make it ours and original. I'm also coming up with the 'script' for our presentation to go with the poster. Why can't I trust someone else to organise it? Why couldn't I have given my research to one of the others to put it all together? Why? Because I need to control things and I am a born organiser (I remember being told this in primary school...how good I was as organising and making sure things got done and done well), I have idea's and want things to be the best they can be and I think I can acheive that....but this would have been a good time to decide that passing was good enough, I dont have the energy or the brain power.


I just realised I'm not superhuman...but its too late.

Spreading like wild fire...

I seem to remember that bush fires 'jump' from one side of a road to the other and carry on destroying everything in their path...I think I am discovering that crps is just like that (jumps from one limb to the other).

Lets just say I think I am experiencing a mirror type spread. My once fondly called good Left foot seems to have decided it felt left out and is joining in on the game of crps.
Burning hot pain, allodynia, exact mirroring of the red patches on my feet, and up both legs the bright red stops at exactly the same height, I swear its just like looking in a mirror-even my Mum was impressed (and then asked me whether this was good or bad...). I've also been experiencing my share of pain related nausea, so much so that I have not been able to control it (puking is ghastly, I hate the whole feeling especially when you don't feel relief after).

I say that I'm not happy about this but in reality I'm emotionless, I think I automatically shut off all feeling before I had a chance to think-protection mechanism perhaps?
Anyway, there is no point in being angry or upset or stress about it-that doesn't achieve anything.

It might just be some kind of flare...I might have unsettled things in my latest fall, maybe its because of all the stress I've been subject to recently...I could make up reasons till the cows come home-and that's what I plan on doing for now. Its really too early to say (I'm telling myself, well its only been a couple of weeks or so, not long enough to have any idea). I'm sure things will settle down soon and Lefty will decide it doesn't like copying Righty after all and go back to being normal...I'm sure that's the case...

...but lets just say, umm, well I don't quite like it and am trying very hard not to think about the possibilities.

But just now I am pretty gutted that I can't see either my pain specialist or my crps physio, neither of them are seeing patients my ONE week back home for uni break.

DO NOT ask me how I am

I may just will cry. Heck even if you just look at me my eyes may well up. You can asked me if I slept at all last night(it looks that bad? yes it looks that bad...), just dont sound like you care and I should be ok.

There is this horrible tension where I'm living, making life pretty miserable. I tend to hide in my room and I hate coming home now because I never know if its ok to say hi or whether I should say nothing. I dont know if she means to be like that, its just how it feels and I tend to be pretty sensitive to whats in the air.

Put that on top of a physio induced flare and chronic lack of sleep and its turned into a recipe for emotional breakdown. I just want to go home and cant wait till Easter when I get to go home for 9 days, it will be so nice to be looked after by my Mum for a week.

What a day

6.45am Awake
Work on assignment
Get up (yes, I have it so I dont actually have to get out of bed to study in the morning-is that bad?)
Shower
Breakfast and meds
Make lunch
Hurriedly towel hair because there is neither time to dry it properly nor plait it
Pack lunch...and slightly less heavy backpack (what did I forget?)
Opps, dont forget to brush teeth....dash out the door

Ride to Uni and arrive with 10 min to make the 10 min walk to my lecture (no fake running this morning)

Lecture
Library to work some more on said assignment
and more
and more...
Stop for lunch
Walk to centre to find friends to eat lunch with (and discover certain person is sitting with them hence I cannot)
Eat lunch by self
Walk to supermarket number one to buy muffin cases
Walk to supermarket number two to buy muffin cases as number one didn't have any
Hurry (and this actually included some attempt to run) back to physio school for lab I was now extremely close to being late for
Lab, which was both boring, interesting and tiring
Back to library to spend yet more time on assignment since lab finished early
Walk to physio school for tutorial
Tutorial...which they tried to make interesting and kinda was but it was too late in the day by that time to do anything else but wish for the end to come
Walk 10 min walk back to scooter in rain with no jacket (no one told me it was going to rain today)
Ride home

Switch on laptop and work some more on assignment
Eat some chocolate and YAY...finish assignment (I can go to ballet afterall)!
Check email
Eat dinner
Get changed and hitch a ride in the rain to ballet
Hitch a ride home
Make blueberry muffins (which take forever to cook in our tiny cooktop oven-I hate standing up)
REALISE I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN COS I MISSED LUNCH AND DINNER MEDS

I wore my TENS all today and was so busy that I didn't notice I had missed them till I stopped to catch my breath.

So now of course I cant sleep (sigh)

Tomorrow is last day at this clinical placement so I really hope I do get some sleep as I will be getting feedback, I also have my brain MRI in the afternoon and trying not to think about it, makes my stomach churn ah well. Aint life just a dream?

Because your're worth it

If I ever needed reminding why I am putting myself though this, I just have to see a patient. Clinical is so fulfilling, its the easiest and fastest way to forget about my pain and focus on someone else, someone I can actually help in some way (even if like me, their pain is ongoing). I may have freaked out last week and felt way out of my depth, I still have a lot to learn BUT I can do this, I can show I have the skills to interact with patients and do it well even.
I started today absolutely exhausted...I actually had a conversation with one of my tutors going up the stairs about just how fatigued I was. But when the patients came and we got them going, challenged them and shared in their success and endorphins, well I was energised and frankly happy. The truest happiness I guess I have felt in a long time.

And thats not all, at the end of today's clinic, the end of week one of our first placement for this year we got some very sweet sounding feedback and it really made my day. Our clinical educator said she hoped she wouldn't be disappointed by the next group of students because we had set such a high standard! She said how impressed she was with our handling and organisation skills, the confidence we showed and the progress we had made with our patients in just the first week. Such a confidence booster and no I am not getting cocky, far from it...I am so humbled by her comments but at the same time I think I should be kind to myself and actually see that I deserve that praise, I have worked hard this week and I know of many things I need to improve on but I also know I have done well.

Several things really struck me this week...I'm working in an Multiple Sclerosis clinic, its a community based clinic for people who are at various stages of the disease to help them maintain function rather than being a 'rehab' type setting. Our clinical educator stressed three things for us to try and remember when treating our patients, she called them the hidden symptoms of MS: pain (neuropathic in nature), fatigue (different from normal fatigue) and cognitive issues...where have I heard them before?
How being motivated is so hard due to the ongoing nature of the disease I can relate to that...
They can be struggling with identity issues, especially if they are just newly diagnosed (hands up anyone?)

You know its actually pretty scary for me, sometimes I just want to say how I know what the pain is like, tell them that we take the same drugs, understand the fatigue and cognitive problems because I have the same difficulties but that is not my place, I am their therapist, not their support group buddy. I dont really know the rules on this kind of thing but I have a feeling it crosses the professional boundary when I start going along a personal level. Not that I want to blert out to the whole world or anything I just sometimes feel so close to these people (and they are more than just patients to me, they are people) because we share some of the same experiences.

One thing I do need to work out how to deal with is the horrid side effect of my meds, the ghastly dry mouth. I dont feel so comfortable sipping water all the time but I need too, the combination of meds and nervousness makes for double whammy dry so bad I loose my voice and its gross!

Getting back up.....slowly

The world wasn't instant brightness the next morning but it is slowly showing me that it hasn't forgotten the recipe so I know that it is there somewhere.
Just a quick one to keep you updated, I had my meeting with the Associate Dean (who is lovely by the way). She is keeping everything confidential for now, deciding that if we tell everyone then it will bias my grading. Instead, she is trusting me to know when I feel unwell and then I am to inform my clinical educator on that day as patient safety (and my own) is paramount.

I really appreciate the fact that she feels she can trust me to make that judgment and this way I can show my capabilities naturally and then hopefully pass the competencies in a truthful way. I still need to show that I am capable, something that would be hard if I was having to 'prove' myself while not being 'allowed' near certain patients because of somehow being 'unsafe'...something that got in my way last year and created some complicated situations.

I would never put anyone else in danger so I know that she is right in trusting me, its just nice that she feels she can! And I also like the fact that she is wanting to keep in touch so we are going to meet up again in a couple of weeks just to see how everything is going. I feel like this shows that she really does want to offer me support and is not just saying it. I have also been given the name of someone else I can talk to about any aspect of the course (in confidence) should I wish to do so.

I am quite relieved as now I know the right person knows about me and also feel better knowing there are ways and means to get through even if it means taking a slightly longer route that normal.

Next on my list is to go and see my student advisor at Disability Information and Support (who I have been seeing for the last 2 years on and off) to get my paper work in (proving I am elegible for extra assistance) and organise access to the special quiet room in the library and my digital recorder and also anything else that I may find useful this year that she may suggest :)

I go and see a new dr, early next week too (my friend who also has CRPS has been seeing her for a couple of years) Lovely Jo is going to introduce me so that will be helpful and I think it will be nice having a dr who knows and understands how CRPS can affect a person on so many levels.

But there are still somethings going on that are a bit stressful. There are aspects of my life that have got more complicated, all I can say is it seems to be turning into a series of unfortunate events, but overall I feel much calmer-more in control.

And if a bit more in control is how I feel then that is nothing to be sneezed at, a few days ago I was drowning but now I am treading water-a much better place to be even if I still have to learn to swim to the shore.

Pain and exhaustion... a bad combination.

First day back was overwhelming on so many levels....
Too many for me to even try and figure out, so I think I will succumb to shear exhaustion and try and get some sleep (hopefully more than last night). Pain is bad tonight, burning all the way up to my hip and at the same time my foot is painfully frozen cold. I don't even know how I am going to survive this, I have no game plan. I cant believe how frightened I feel just now, like I'm out of my depth or something and I'm scared that at any moment someone is going to bust my cover and find out I don't belong in this level after all.

I think I just need a good nights sleep and everything will be rosy in the morning, I know I shouldn't let this get to me but sometimes its too strong to fight, I just want it all to go away.

Tomorrow afternoon I have a meeting with the associate dean, she thanked me for having the courage to contact her...I don't think I had courage, I just knew it was the right thing to do and I had to do it no matter how much I hate the thought of admitting what I have to admit. I am scared about it but at the same time I think I will feel relief too, I just hope I don't break down and cry too much.

Thank you all so much for all your comments, they mean the world to me, reading each one and knowing that I have people who care, care enough to say hi, care enough to read my rambles. Just now they mean I smile and feel loved, and that is the world to me.

Thank you, those two little words don't seem to do justice to the feeling that goes with them.

I'm a 3rd year!

After the weekend I start back at physio school-seems unreal! Today we had our prelim lecture, an intro into our papers and getting our complex 3 week turn about timetable. I reckon its going to take most of the weekend to get my head around it! Down side is we have 8am starts every day of the week but it looks like some weeks at least my lab group gets Friday afternoons off.

This year we step up with our clinical placements, with 4 three week rotations consisting of 3 half days a week as far as I can work out. I will learn more as next week progresses.

I am glad I had such a relaxing break, I needed time to let my brain rest and to de-stress completely. I also made a lot of progress that would have been difficult had I been working, but now its time to switch on the brain and get back to work-I hope my brain holds up!

Hydrotherapy update!

As you all know, I have spent my summer break working diligently in the pool to improve function, strength and endurance. Except for a few weeks here and there, I have pretty much been at the pool everyday with weekly check-ins with my physio.

Looking back at where I was mid November and then looking at where I am now 3 months later, I feel amazing! I have worked really hard to improve everything and my physio is really happy with the effort I have put into getting to where I am. It wasn't easy, in fact the first few times it was so hard I cried but now I can spend an hour in the pool and cope very well.
I started out very small, not even able to get to half a length of anything but now I can do repeated lengths of even the more painful movements. And now can even keep up with a moderate to high intensity aquafitness class!
I am swimming lengths, can go on forever just kicking and go faster than some people swimming freestyle. When I am hopping and running in the pool I have symmetry comparing left to right and apparently I make it look really easy! I have worked hard and now have improved my right hip flexion, something I have struggled with since my surgery 2 years ago.

I really like working in the water, it decreases the pain flaring compared to working on land and I find I can push myself much harder in the water as a result. Also its useful, you cant fall and hurt yourself in the water-just end up with a mouthful if you loose your balance! I'm able to control the dorsiflexion at my ankle now although I still don't have comfortable range, I'm sure that will come. I can walk on my foot properly now whereas before I was walking on the lateral side all the time. I have also pretty much got rid of my limp, it only comes back when I am really tired and in lots of pain. This is super news for me as I have had issues with this for so long now that its like I want to celebrate loosing my limp!

I had my last physio session on Tuesday to work out a game plan for the coming university year, around my studies, I am going to try out ballet, go to an aquafitness class, fit in another pool session and a walk on the beach each week. Comparing it to what I did last year it seems daunting but I need to keep up the physical activity to improve my confidence that I can do this. It doesn't matter if some weeks I don't fit it all in but it is something to work towards and you know what? I cant wait to go back down and start! I have many coping mechanisms put in place and lifelines if I need them, but I want to see that I can do this on my own, I am an independent young woman and I dont see why I cant with the help and support of my family and friends.

I really recommend trying out a warm water pool if you can, its a relaxing environment where you can push yourself and the pain flares are not quite so bad. The water supports your body and decreases the amount you are weightbearing which can be helpful while creating a certain amount of resistance which makes your muscles work. It can be so fun too, makes therapy more like a game than hard work and that has to be a plus!

The good news.

Which is still good news thankfully, though the other night I thought it was becoming bad news very fast lol.

I went to see my pain specialist on Saturday and after a discussion it was decided to go ahead and try out some peripheral nerve blocks. Because of my recent fall and the pain spike, this should hopefully calm everything down nicely...hopefully.

He injected anaesthetic and cortisone into the saphenous nerve and popliteal nerve at my knee, a very simple procedure and not that painful at the time (though my knee is actually still sore from one of the injections 3 days later!). I got almost a day of initial pain relief from the anaesthetic and have been told that the cortisone may take up to 8-12 days to have an effect. Fingers crossed it does as my physio has made it sound like heaven!

I'm still very sensitive to touch of any kind so he said to stop the capsacin cream and just use the lignocaine and see if that helps with the shoes and socks problem. I like this idea because I was having a lot of trouble tolerating the capsacin. I said I really need to be able to wear my shoes (for long periods) before I get back to uni and he agreed.

I also found out that having them fill in the forms for the tramadol will mean that I wont have another review for a whole year! I am so relieved that I wont have to find the money to pay for them.

I have another appointment for just before I go back down to uni, so I can iron out any concerns I may have which is really helpful. I do like how he is good at knowing how things are just from how I act, I find it so hard to actually say out loud how things are as I feel like I am complaining, though I do know I need to get better at this, its not fair making him work it out.

So, all in all, several good things:
A good pain specialist visit.
A hopeful block
And a rx for more tramadol-thank goodness as it was worse than I imagined without it.

2nd year physio...tick!

Wow-can you imagine how great I feel just now? Finding out that I actually passed all my papers and my practicals and even (dare I say it) got an honest grade average!

No just missing out, no just scraping in, just good reasonable passes that anybody should be proud of and I am glad to say that I actually feel good about it.

If I had got these grades say 3 years ago, I would be hanging my head in shame, I probably wouldn't have told anybody about them and I certainly wouldn't be beaming with accomplishment.
But back then I was a different person, I didn't have much getting in my way-I was a machine working my nights away while studying during the day. Everything was easy for me then and I sometimes wish I could go back to being that person...I had things easy and didn't what it was like to really have to work for something.

I have learn't a lot, I have learn't to celebrate my achievements, having pride in what I am able to do DESPITE living my life. I never gave up (though some times I thought it would have been easier) and I never lost hope. I sometimes panicked and worried myself sick but that goes with the territory.

I am PROUD of my 68% (B-) grade average (ok so I am more used to A grades) and this is in my heart...through the perseverance of my friends I have accepted that this is just as worthy of celebration as my previous results. My results though not as high as previous years are just as great, if not more of an achievement because of what I overcame to accomplish them!

Bring on 3rd year!

Its time to celebrate...

...if only I had the energy!

Finally the university year has come to an end and my last exam has been completed, it was touch and go for awhile whether I would actually make it this far.

After the last post I decided to focus my energy on getting through my exams, supposedly in one piece but life had other plans. I certainly didn't have any spare energy for updating here, I decided that I had more important things to think about.

Life is always exciting when you wear my shoes lol, I am currently sporting a very dashing green cast on my left wrist (not my dominant hand thank goodness) which may or may not be immobilising a scaphoid fracture...no definite fracture has shown up on x-ray as yet. Moral of the story? there is no moral-though I'm sure Jess would say it was dont use the stairs!

I caught my foot and superman dived down some pretty majestic concrete steps less than 2 hours before my first exam...my friend took me up to our paper coordinator and she patched up my dripping knees after having a hard time finding anything big enough to cover them. My stupid wrist was really sore but I had an exam to sit and no time to investigate so the trusty bunch who watch over me, dressed me in my lab coat, put my glasses on and helped me up the DR stairs.
By the time we had finished our 8 station anatomy exam (3 and a half hours for me) it was too late and I was too tired to think much but promised if my wrist was still painful in the morning I would get properly checked out (all the while hoping it would not).

As aways seems to be for me, things were not simple in the morning, so I duly took myself to be checked and several hours later (after being sent for x-rays) emerged with a plaster cast for my troubles.
I have since had practicals (boy were they fun with an arm in plaster) and then more x-rays and more indecisiveness and am now sporting this funky green fibreglass cast for yet another 2 weeks of frustration!

I'm am very relieved that I made it through my exams, now comes the waiting part to see if I made it to a pass, I am hoping I did but a bit worried about the anatomy exam (I was in quite a bit of pain because of the fall) and also the pharmacology exam but for now I am going to throw my worry away and enjoy my days of rest before I go back home!

Last week of class

Its the last week of class before this years final exams...I have my first (Anatomy) starting on the 15th of October and I will be all done by 1pm on the 4th of November.
I cant quite believe that I am at the end of my second year already, time has gone by so fast and I have to say I am really proud that I have made it to this point. My OT came to see me the end of last week and he said how great it was because at one point we weren't sure that I really would be able to get this far.

I'm scared about my exams but this is ok. Its better to be a bit scared about exams than being too confident (although I was so confident and actually stopped studying for one of my chemistry exams a few years back and ended up getting 98% however that works).

I am studying as much as I am able, though yesterday I freaked a bit and didnt take any breaks apart from lunch so when I finally got home for dinner I was knackered and couldn't do anything more. Today I am going to be more responsible and pace myself a bit.

Oh and I got my second to last assignment back yesterday with a grade of 83.5% (marks ranged from 44-90%)

(hope I dont sound like I'm bragging cos I'm not...its just I feel so happy about it I have to share lol)

A little pep talk...

So maybe I was too hasty in the harsh judgment of my performance the other day...
...but then maybe this is the upside of being overly harsh-a surprise when the grades come back?

I knew grades were out before I got home but I decided to cook dinner before checking them, I told myself I didn't want to know how badly I did anyway. Ever since Tuesday I had been taking turns picking my performance to pieces and then trying to forget it even happened and it wasn't helping at all.

So imagine my surprise to find out I had passed both the neuro and the musculo practicals!

I got 55% in musculoskeletal, the one I thought I had totally messed up and didn't deserve any grade and then I looked down and couldn't believe my eyes...100% for neuro!
I am so happy (once I stopped telling myself they had felt sorry for me) that I did so well and with the combined grade I did better than average.

I CAN do this, even though it is tough, even though I have my rough days, even though I sometimes doubt myself...I am strong, I AM going to get through and I am going to be proud of my achievements against all odds.

My OT came to see me today and he reminded me not to compare with the past and to celebrate how much an achievement it is in itself to have passed and that its amazing that I am doing so well surviving the stressful parts. He said to look ahead to the future with confidence that I can do what I set out to achieve, and you know what?

I think he may just be right...

Bad day

I'm not having such a great time just now, still got all the symptoms from last weeks drama and its annoying to say the least (not being able to pee when I feel I need to is rather uncomfortable, and dont even mention the feeling like I have wet myself lol).

I had a practical test this afternoon and because of all the other things happening I cannot focus on much at all and my short term memory is even worse if that is possible!
I totally screwed up the first half-I think I even invented a new name for a part of the human body and I am surprised I didn't cry right there in front of the examiner...what makes it worse though is I have been practicing and knew what I was doing, something happened that made me completely forget everything I knew right when it mattered the most.
I think I did slightly better in the next half and hope that this will bring my grade up to a hopeful pass. If not I shouldn't fret, it wasn't worth overly much and shows that I need a strategy in place for this kind of thing. I have about 3 weeks to sort myself out because final exams are that close!
Yikes!!!!

It keeps getting better...

So today somehow things kept getting worse, for some reason I am not coping with the pain at all and it frustrates me that I am not able to cope when I think I should be able to. I have tried so many things this week, deep breathing, thinking of other things, moving, nothing seems to work and I'm not sleeping which doesn't help either.

After one of my numerous falls this week I have stuffed the lead of my TENS machine and it stops working as soon as I put it in my pocket. This has had a huge impact on my pain coping strategies and not helping at all. Why does life have to be so hard? Is it not hard enough already?

I ended up in tears (yet again-I lost count today) in one of my lab tutors offices. She was lovely, TENS are her thing and she knew just what to do, rang a place to help me order a new lead (will take 2-3 days to arrive) and set me up with a temporary one that is not as good as mine but hopefully will be better than nothing.

I went to lab after having calmed down a bit but I had such a headache and couldnt focus on the complexities of the shoulder joint, hopefully tomorrow I will be able to concentrate better.
One of my friends kept accidentally kicking my foot under the table and every time she did I jumped and cried out in pain, it just wasn't my day!

All I can hope for is that I sleep tonight and am able to get through my clinical placement in the morning, I am dreading it as I have to disclose my "risk of falling" and I really dont feel very comfortable with how to do it without making it a big deal. Why does life have to be so complicated?

Pain please go away...

I can't think, its way past my bedtime and I should have completed the written notes for a presentation I am helping give tomorrow...

My head is shouting pain pain PAIN and I need it to be unraveling the complexities of MS...

What on earth did I do to create this flare? and all I can think is-what will I do tomorrow if I'm still like this and I am supposed to be presenting my part of the talk? how can I stand up in front of my class and not cry because it hurts that much...

But I'm forever looking on the bright side...one more day till mid-semester break! and one day more till I get to play dress up and photo shoot with my god daughter and her family before I head home to my own family!