More dreams coming true

First of all I just want to say, despite all the things I am doing, it doesn't mean I am not in pain anymore. I am pushing myself more and more to see (with the help of medications and such) how much I can actually handle without displaying complete stupidity or resulting in weeks of nightmarish pain flare - in case I miss the chance now and never feel capable again.

I don't know what is round the corner, I don't know if I am going to suddenly get worse and not be able to will myself to do things, so now while I feel like I can will myself to do almost anything I am going to take the chance (I almost feel like the old me is fighting to show through, the me who once was a human canon ball and who took every opportunity to prove people wrong). I think the summer spent in the pool being made to do things that I didn't think I could handle despite the pain it caused, showed me that I still have some fight in me yet and that I need more confidence - that is why I took the plunge, fought my fear and went to my first ballet class!

It is a very easy going class, a handful of adults who have little or no prior history of ballet. The teacher is young and very kind and didn't make me feel at all silly having no idea what first position was lol. Ballet seems to be more about grace, balance and skill rather than speed and rushing about and being a girly girl it has always been one of my dreams.

I don't expect to advance very much, I suspect it will take me all year to remember all the positions and who knows if I will ever coordinate arms with feet but that is not the point. The point is I am giving it a go! My physio was very excited to hear I was wanting to try, she says it will improve my balance and strength and provide a much needed social element to my life...getting away from study is so very important especially when you tend to sacrifice everything for required reading.

After my first class, when I discovered just how easy going it is going to be (i.e the emphasis is on having fun) the excitement of getting my first pair of ballet shoes started. So on Friday I headed out to find a shop that didn't look too foreboding (I felt rather self conscious going to buy my first pair of ballet shoes at almost 24) and went about asking to try some on please.

To be honest, my excitement lasted till I put the shoes on my feet. Now I don't know if I will be able to will them to actually stay on my feet the duration of the class and some days I know already I wont be able to keep them on but I want to try at least.
The poor lady in the shop...she actually stayed almost a half hour after closing to make sure I left with a pair that I felt I could handle on my feet. The first pair she got me to try were 'perfect' if I was a hardened dancer but were HORRIBLE! how do girls even bear to have these things on their feet and stand up and dance in them???? Suffice to say I did not end up with that pair. In the end I have a pair that hurt to wear but I think I can handle (it didn't matter how many different pairs I tried they all still hurt so I got a slightly roomier pair than the ones that were perfect). In time they will soften to my feet and I think a few extra pain pills before hand will aid in the tolerance levels.

I'm still excited about dancing, but now I've had reality kick in and tell me just how much a challenge this may turn into. Doesn't mean I am not going to try, just means I will be a bit more realistic about what I expect my body to do. But the best thing is I am am not afraid to give it a go!

Rome wasn't built in a day

Once again I find myself being reminded to be patient. Why is nothing ever a simple fix?
I so very want to be steady on my feet, to not need to watch every step I take...that I forget how much hard work it will take to get me there.

My appointment at the balance clinic went well, I have 4 exercises to do but according to very detailed instructions from my rsd physio, I am to start by only doing them once a week till we know they don't cause pain flare ups. I was supposed to say as soon as my foot pain increased substantially but I wasn't totally truthful-if I had, I would never have got past standing with my shoes off.
Because this is to challenge both my proprioception and vestibular system it is best to do them in bare feet but as soon as I stand with no shoes on the pain gets really worse so I just pretended as best I could that I was fine.
I got 4 things to work on, they are all really quite easy things but its amazing how hard I found them to do, I was really frustrated with myself at points, with just how difficult I found it to comply!

After my appointment I started feeling really weird and dizzy and shaky and my head was pounding, I don't know why-whether it was the balance stuff or just random but I ended up fainting in my class that was after the appointment. I am so disappointed with myself over this...I have been trying so hard not to have anything happen during classes, in fact I was half out the classroom door when it happened (so rather embarrassing as well). If only I had got to the bathroom before keeling over, then no-one would ever have known. As it is, the undergrad dean came in and found out (she would have anyway since the class and lab tutor saw) and I felt so bad, I really don't need to give them any more reason to tell me I may not be well enough to carry on.

Next step-work on that thing called balance...

I've finally got to the point where my CRPS pain is more under control, well thats how I like to think of it anyway. I take my meds like clockwork, throw in another one when I need it, use the tens and do a bit of mirroring. Providing I dont do too much pretending (that I dont have crps...) things are much more bearable mostly and I'm so thankful for that.

So now I am hopefully going to start work on my balance, tomorrow afternoon-between anatomy and a cardio lab on chest markings I have an appointment at the balance clinic and is it ok to say I'm excited about it?

I have been feeling rather down lately about the whole lack of balance issue, I had a meeting with the undergrad dean and she brought it up...how important it is that I don't do certain things, how important it is that all my supervisors know...especially because of the consequences if anything were to happen. I see that now, it is more than just my safety issue, it is the fact that ultimately my supervisor is responsible and can be held accountable. I dont want to put anybody in messy situations just because I was to proud to let them know I am a hazard. But at the same time I feel like I am going to be left out and not allowed to do some things just because it makes it easier for everyone else, I don't want to be treated differently because I think it will turn into a disadvantage and I will miss out on important things.

I'm hoping that the physio will give me a really good rehab program to get me back on my feet in a much more stable position and stop me falling all the time.

I even have a little list of 'patient centered goals' like we talk about so much in class.

I really want to be able to feel safe on my feet without my shoes on
I want to be able to go down stairs without having to totally concentrate on what I am doing
and stop falling over nothing and ending up on my face!

At the moment I can compete with the children over how many bruises I have all over the place-my poor knees are covered!