...so why do I take on more than my fair share? Why do I continually say I will take care of things when its clear I'm having trouble just being here?

Because I need to be in control, in charge; to make sure things are done to my standard and I'm not up for compromise, I'm pathetic.

Its after 7pm on a Sunday night, I've just taken the whole last week off uni to try and get better (which I don't seem to have achieved), my foot and leg is yelling at me (its pretty high on the pain scale), muscles in my leg are spasming uncontrollably, my thigh is not even liking the lightness of my trouser touching it, my back hurts, my head is pounding I can hardly focus and I'm physically and mentally exhausted... and I'm sitting at uni organizing a poster presentation.

WTF??? how did I let myself?

Yes the other's have contributed, yes they have done their part in this but I took it upon myself to put the whole load together, to spruce up the sample poster, to make it ours and original. I'm also coming up with the 'script' for our presentation to go with the poster. Why can't I trust someone else to organise it? Why couldn't I have given my research to one of the others to put it all together? Why? Because I need to control things and I am a born organiser (I remember being told this in primary school...how good I was as organising and making sure things got done and done well), I have idea's and want things to be the best they can be and I think I can acheive that....but this would have been a good time to decide that passing was good enough, I dont have the energy or the brain power.

I just realised I'm not superhuman...but its too late.


Anonymous said...

Tiff of Terror????

Nah, your right, what superhuman name would we call you???
Mine is easy,
A good friend dubbed me Robojo
It doesn't work for me either but at least its a mask I can hide behind when I am trying to convince myself that I am the ONLY person capable of the task at hand.

You and I will have to catch up tomorrow and work on dreaded pacing...

Until then, avoid all kryptonite and sty out of trouble...
We shall also arrange a time for a massage.

I'm off to save the world and fortify with coffee.

Love you

Lisa Moon said...

Funny, this echoes something I just babbled in the last comment on your last post...

What is is about us that we're trying so hard to be the perfect everything: perfect patients who do what they're told, perfect students who work their butts off to excel with dire consequences, perfect everything... and we pay. Oh, how we pay!

I've been seeing how this hurts me directly in my rehab/physio program; my wanting to 'tough it out' and not complain, despite having needed MORE meds upon admissions, but hoping the nerve block would help... and then winding up chatting with the doc about LOWERING my meds! WTF indeed!

Thank GOD I've been able to work with the pain psychologist on communicating better with the doctor about where I'm at and what I need. Yes, I NEED and I NEED to be able to ask for what I need, not agressively or passive aggressively... but not to ignore them, either.

Yes! We can delegate! Yes, we can say NO! The world will not end...

And you're NOT pathetic; you're the oposite. HOWEVER, we all need to achieve balance; both the under- and over-achievers, I think.

I wish you (along with pain control and general health) the ability to achieve a healthy balance in your life.

I'll be here, working on the same.

Love, Love , Love,