First day back was overwhelming on so many levels....
Too many for me to even try and figure out, so I think I will succumb to shear exhaustion and try and get some sleep (hopefully more than last night). Pain is bad tonight, burning all the way up to my hip and at the same time my foot is painfully frozen cold. I don't even know how I am going to survive this, I have no game plan. I cant believe how frightened I feel just now, like I'm out of my depth or something and I'm scared that at any moment someone is going to bust my cover and find out I don't belong in this level after all.

I think I just need a good nights sleep and everything will be rosy in the morning, I know I shouldn't let this get to me but sometimes its too strong to fight, I just want it all to go away.

Tomorrow afternoon I have a meeting with the associate dean, she thanked me for having the courage to contact her...I don't think I had courage, I just knew it was the right thing to do and I had to do it no matter how much I hate the thought of admitting what I have to admit. I am scared about it but at the same time I think I will feel relief too, I just hope I don't break down and cry too much.

Thank you all so much for all your comments, they mean the world to me, reading each one and knowing that I have people who care, care enough to say hi, care enough to read my rambles. Just now they mean I smile and feel loved, and that is the world to me.

Thank you, those two little words don't seem to do justice to the feeling that goes with them.


Tough Cookie said...

So sorry I haven't been able to read or comment lately. It's midterm time, so you know what that means for people like us :-/

I am so proud of you for making the right decision and contacting your dean. It's not that you shouldn't be at the level you are at, it's that you shouldn't be treated the same as others at the level you are at. I don't know how it is where you live, but here is the US there is a law that protects people with disabilities. The law makes it 100% necessary under the law for people to make "reasonable accomodations" for those who are disabled.

Keep us updated!

Katarzyna Quince said...

You amaze me and I send love love love. You do what I hope to. I may be just a highschooler but, I know how you feel. Pain and exhaustion here too. Last night I had a breakdown and felt as though I was in another world. Still not sure if it really happend... but anywho, I'm wishing you lower pain levels ASAP.


Lisa Moon said...

I know you are braver than you realise, my dear! How very clever of you to speak with the assoc. dean; she may be able to make suggestions or offer accomodations I know you wouldn't dream of asking for, but let me tell you: YOU DESERVE THEM. What we must endure on a daily basis makes the student playing field very unlevel. If there were someone with a visual or hearing impairment, surely you wouldn't fault them for having an interpreter or aide or using a computer for note-taking, etc. I know you wouldn't! So remember, just to achieve what you do means you've been giving XX extra percent to make those marks/efforts - with that in mind, you should be achieving straight A+s all around!

It's not to favour you, and it's not equal treatment, it's EQUITABLE treatment and the way it SHOULD be.

DO keep us updated on how your chat goes with the AD.

And know you're doing amazingly well and you DO deserve to be where you are.

I believe in you!

Caf said...

Oh I know how scary that is! It's so frightening to just be at the mercy of the pain and have no way of stopping it...I hope you get a break soon.

Stupid RSD.