Where I've been...

Its been a long month... and a lot has happened which I probably meant to keep updated on here but I'm sure you will forgive me :) the real world takes up so much time and energy that its hard to find the time to fit in all my cyber wantings.

So what have I been up to? Thats a good question.. and to save you reading a novel I shall bullet point the past 4 weekish.
*Studying for my pathology special exam (this took up several weeks with trying to study and not getting very far)
*Traveling back down to Dunedin in order to sit this special exam (6 hour bus ride)
*Missing the exam
*Sitting the exam (since it was miss-communication between two departments that caused me to miss it in the first place... I was a very stressed girl at one point)
*Traveling back home again (another 6 hour bus ride)
*Finding out I passed the exam (a big PHEW)
*Starting 4th year!!!!
*Surviving the very tough first professional study week (full time schedule)

Which brings me to now... its Friday afternoon and I have made it to the end of the first week with only one hitch (that included being kept late over lunch time for a lecture that was running late which stuffed my tummy up and caused me to miss the last lecture and be rather sick the rest of the day).

A few other things have happened... I've finally got the beginnings of a new GP who I'm hoping is going to investigate the nausea/vomiting issue in more detail and see if there is something we can do to at least make me feel more comfortable. I've been trialling Zofran which has been great... only down side is for the moment I can only get a total of 6 tablets a month rather than the 60 that would be useful.
Due to increasingly worse nausea and vomiting issues I have cut down on my regular medications (as I cant physically keep them down when I try and take them) and so far I think I am coping relatively well on the pain front.
My physio thinks I am doing pretty darn well as far as coping too but is not ready to wave goodbye any time soon... she wants to keep a close eye and is available at any time should I need some advice.
I've turned a corner with the non eating issue, now I'm really making an effort to eat despite how I'm feeling whereas before I wasn't really forcing myself... the dietitian is much happier I think because of this, just waiting to see if I actually start to gain any weight. Its been pretty tough this last month and I'm not sure despite my trying hard I will have made any headway.

As far as crps is concerned... I am hoping that it doesnt show its ugly face too much this year. I had a long talk with the clinical coordinator in my centre and she is very down to earth and not going to make me feel like I need to prove myself like I felt other years. She said that time off if I'm sick and need to go home is a non issue unless it becomes like every week (something I am not anticipating). She is just going to treat me like everyone else YAY!!! The only thing she has concerns about is my history of falling... and yes she is allowed to be concerned I suppose. I mean you cant have a balance challenged physio walking a balance challenged patient and even I can see that... I'm just hoping that my recent history (ie no major falls since August when I broke my wrist) is a positive step and a continuing trend. Lets just see how things go but right now I think MY major concern is the extreme fatigue I am feeling due to just being out learning all day...something I need to adjust to and then we'll be away laughing-heres hoping anyway!

So thats where I've been... and where I'm at... the beginning of a scary, rewarding final year (all going well) before I am let loose on the world!

Bowling can really shake a girl up

I went out last night, with a few close friends to go bowling.

Before we started I was shaking so bad I thought my knees would buckle-and this was socialising with close friends! It did get better though and I had lots of fun, we all did as they are highly competitive in a fun way. The highlight of the night was watching the Mum of the evening, jump in the air when she got a strike and subsequently the reaction when she came up beating us all!

I am no good at bowling (I think that was part of my anxiety in the beginning) but mixed in with many gutterballs I did manage a score of 9 once and a few respectable bowls.

It was really nice being part of the group, despite slipping a couple of times due to the slippery shoes and floor but I can handle a few bruises.
What made me feel bad though was how sick I felt when we went to their house for 'coffee' afterwards, I felt so ill and this really makes me conscious that I'm must be a downer, instead of looking like I'm enjoying myself I'm sat in a corner on the floor (because if I do fall I cant fall far) hoping that I dont puke. I wish I would feel better. I have been trying so hard to eat but everytime I eat a little bit more I feel so bad I wonder why I even bothered.
But this is a problem...I tried on my dress for the upcoming ball and discover that what fitted perfectly in February now hangs off me so much that we cant tuck it at all to make it passable. I do have something else that I can wear instead but thats not the point. The point is I now think I understand what everyone is going on about. I am trying-I promise...its just harder than you think and with that comes guilt about whats going on and my lack of understanding as to why and why me?
I went to the dr and he explained that they were having trouble deciding what would be best for me since I am so 'complex' (how I hate that word sometimes), and I dont fit into their little boxes but we have a semi plan, fingers crossed it doesnt fall through like the last 2 plans he had lol.
If only I could control the nausea then this wouldnt be so hard.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride...

How I wish that I could stop feeling sick. Nausea sucks...

nausea+random pain+crps pain+exam stress=too much.

I'm being worn down by having to deal with all this, despite the fact I have actively stopped stressing about exams, I know subconsciously I still am. But I have been through exams with crps before and I didn't make myself physically sick so I'm inclined to think that there is more going on.
Also the nausea started over a month ago, way before even the hint of exam pressure was dawning.

I feel worse once I have eaten, which is making life difficult as you cant just stop eating (or at least I cant afford to).

I have figured out that a piece of toast in the morning (minus the bottom crust) and a glass of juice to take my meds, will stay down. Any more and I have trouble stopping it come back up. Lunch time I can eat a few crackers and an apple or a yoghurt if I'm lucky...
Dinner mostly I'm eating almost 2/3rds of what I had been and feel pretty sick but can keep it down if I stay still.
If I try eating any more than that then watch out my stomach will not like it and it wont stay down.
I'm sipping water throughout the day so I'm keeping hydrated.

Last night I had a piece of chocolate cake a bit after dinner and boy did I regret it afterwards but it did taste nice :)

I'm not sleeping due to the tummy pain and nausea, feeling pretty tired due to the lack of sleep, end of semester and probably lack of food.
Starting to get pretty upset with myself because I'm not able to spend the time I know I should be and need to studying. I have to lay curled up a lot because that's the best position to keep from puking and you cant study like that (not when you feel rotten anyway).

I'm starting to notice subtle signs that I'm losing weight, which is something I am very aware I need to stop because I don't have reserves to loose.
A friend suggested I just become anorexic to solve the problem!!!which is terrible advice, there is no way I can afford to even get myself into that way of thinking.

I have a Dr's appointment tomorrow to get a medical certificate to go with my special consideration application and I really hope that this guy will be able to suggest something to help me feel better.
Because its been suggest this is related to crps I don't really know what to think about it. I cant wait for my pain specialist appointment next month to ask him his opinion, because I guess he is my specialist and will hopefully give me some direction on what could be going on. I don't like the thought this actually could be crps, I don't deal well with nausea and if I cant get it under control there is no way I am going to be able to get through the rest of the year with clinical placements etc. I just don't see it possible...crps is hard enough without adding daily nausea to it.

I'm just so tired of no relief and no end in sight, what could possibly be causing all this to be happening?

I hate hospital...

Once again I found myself in hospital over the weekend and through till Monday (not due to a fall this time thank goodness...)

I had awful tummy pain, felt very sick and was very unsteady on my feet. I didnt know what to do, so I rang Jo and she said to ring the healthline and see what they said, they said to go and get checked out. I then rang my Mum to see what she thought I should do (seen as it was Saturday evening). She said to follow the advice I had been given and to go to the ED, so my Uncle kindly took me.

I got a bed instantly which was nice because lying on my side curled up was the least uncomfortable position and I lay there for about 3 hours before being taken to be assessed by a dr. They were pretty busy dealing with drunks creating a scene and I lost count of the number of drunk students who had put their hands through windows! They said thank you to me for waiting so patiently lol.

It was possible I had appendicitis seen as I had most of the positive signs but it could have been several other things too. I got assessed by the surgical registrar and it was decided to admit me and just keep watch over how things progressed before anything drastic happened, (I was not keen on the ides of surgery one bit!). The ED dr did my IV and she was amazing, first time and in a place that wasnt too uncomfortable too!

Sunday I had an ultrasound which showed free fluid in my abdomen and I was told that fitted with my presentation so just to keep with the pain relief and antinausea and see how things went and I was then allowed to try and eat.

I couldn't eat much more than a spoonful of the soup I got but I had been kept hydrated with fluid and was drinking as much as possible. I had a ghastly night not being able to sleep due to hot sweats and my hands and feel swelling up so I couldnt make a fist. Due to the weekend, the hospital pharmacy wasnt open so they didnt have all my medications and due to not having brought them in with me, my med schedule was all messed up. I dont think that helped my pain levels or the side effects I was having.

Monday I was dealing with the pain better by then (you kinda get used to things you know) so I tollerated the surgeon touching my tummy better although it was still pretty painful and straight after I puked up the limited contents of my stomach. And they decided that seen as things hadn't progressed any further, no surgery was required just now (phew) and I could go home (double phew!).

When the house surgeon came to talk to me about discharge rx and I said I needed pretty good antinausea meds cos they had been giving me a double combo to try and control things he almost changed his mind and made me stay. Thank goodness I was able to talk him into letting me go home. I knew I had no chance of getting better in hospital, I couldnt even stay still due to the pain, no sleep, heat and med mess up. I'm just to go back in should the pain get really bad again I (fingers crossed it doesnt cos I didnt deal well with the added pain and nausea).

I've been given the week off classes to recover as they said I would need the week. Initially I thought I would bounce back but I'm finding out just how washed out I am and think I will need that week. Bad news is I had a terms test tonight worth 35% that I am missing and I dont want to think what a mess that is going to turn into but just now I dont care.

I do have to say though that despite the amount of pain meds I am currently on, they still gave me morphine for the pain and didn't treat me badly like I dreaded. I have heard horror stories of people with RSD going to hospital and being treated like drug seakers etc.
The surgical registrar on Monday did sound pretty surprised at how much pain I must be in when he saw what drugs I'm on but I think it was because he hadn't come across it before and he was still nice about it. The consultant wanted to know a bit about what was affected by RSD but he was also nice (we think he looked after a friend who also has RSD when she had trouble recently). So overall I had pretty reasonable treatment appart from the pharmacy thing.

The thing that was most difficult to deal with (appart from the heat the hospital always seems to be) was the number of visitors the girl next to me had! she would have 3 girls all come in at once and they made so much noise, I felt pretty lousy so that gave me such a headache cos I couldnt get away from it. And they kept coming, as soon as one lot left another lot arrived-I started to wonder just how sick that girl really was (was that bad of me?). Anyways I am home now, eating in small amounts to try and get my system used to food again and resting a lot. I am so wiped out and drained. Just walking to the bathroom and I am shaking which is pretty embarrassing! But I'm starting to feel better, which is good, just taking it slowly.

Thing is though, I never thought to ask how I got free fluid in my abdomen and what it would be...obviously it wasn't supposed to be there so I wonder how it got there and whether its something I should be conscious of and if it happens again does that mean anything?