Was it really 4 years?

We had a little chat after an event last Saturday with a lady I haven't seen much (due to being away for uni)...and she asked me how long I had been away...4 years...so much has happened in those years its scary looking back at them!

So she turns round and exclaims to my Mum "did you know she's been away for 4 years?" to which my Mum replied "yes...and I know she's back cos my life is busier when she's around...dr's visits, physio appointments, surgeries, specialist appointments...." oops... sorry Mum.

But yes my poor Mother turns into a bit of a driver for many of these appointments as I cant take myself a lot of the time. Firstly I can't drive (yet...I'm working on this ok...in my head at least, but I do use alternative transport when I can), and quite often I need her as an extra set of ears because I forget so much. Being 24 and living with a chronic health condition changes what we classify as 'normal'...for me a meds schedule is normal, ongoing physio is normal, regular dr visits are normal, needing to rest during the day can be normal, struggling to stand up at the end of the day is normal, being unemployed is normal...and the list goes on...

None of these things were part of my 'normal' life 4 years ago, in fact I hardly spent much time sleeping and I worked my ass off to save money while studying full time, as well as having plenty of social activities I kept myself active with...and I didn't need to rely on my Mum to take me places much (I didn't drive back then either but I'd walk, cycle or bus most places).

Change, that is the one constant in life and sometimes it changes dramatically in ways you never thought would happen to you. When S said to my Mum "did you know she's been away for 4 years?" I starting thing wow...what a load has happened in that 4 years, my life completely changed...and you look back and think what a blessing it was to not know what was going to happen cos if I had known, I'm not sure I would have been game to carry on like I have....which brings me to my next point...

I passed second semester (yes that was a pass...), I've known this for a few days but its not been the climatic relief and didn't bring on the celebration bells quite as much as it has for a few other people in my year. Well, because I still can't say I passed 3rd year which is what all my friends are doing...I still have to sit that component I missed back in May...but now I have the date for that, 18th of January I get to go down and sit my pathology component and once that is done and graded I will be able to say I passed 3rd year. But until then I just am pretty sure I will pass it. But I dont KNOW it, and thats the difference, I dont want to jinx myself by saying I passed when I havent technically yet...pathology isn't too difficult though (providing I actually get down to studying and revising) so I'm going to pass.
But can you believe...I'm actually going to head into 4th year with the majority of my 1st year class...I have made it this far without lagging behind or failing anything..despite health issues, hospital admissions, too many accidents to count, and despite a number of people's disbelief that I could...hmm...now the test will be to make it through 4th year unscathed and my ultimate dream at the moment is to graduate beside all my friends knowing I kept up all the way through...now wouldn't that be something...so watch this space around this time next year...fingers crossed you see graduation photos!

Looking back...

Hip surgery 3 years on...

Its hard to believe it was 3 years ago today I had my surgery, 3 years is not that long but seems like forever when I think about what has taken place since. And now my open hip surgery for labral pathology and FAI has now become an arthroscopic procedure that my surgeon performs (and Jess knows that only too well lol).

I can still remember waking up early that morning and eating fruit salad for breakfast before my NPO status started, still remember the butterfly feeling being driven to the hospital and all the nurses questions and conversation and everything, still remember my relief when my surgeon assured me I wouldnt need a catheter (though this turn out to be false hope lol)...I think the whole thing made quite an impression on me-it was after all my first ever surgery and was a big deal.
Back then I had goals that included things as simple as being able to tie my own shoe laces again and cut my toenails myself, and slighter harder ones that included being able to walk and then finally run. I celebrated the day I could put my socks on, shoes on, tie my laces, paint my toenails, walk without any crutches (finally), dance, ride my bicycle and a whole heap of other things too but one thing I have never really got on board is the running thing-and for a while now I've kinda thought of it as not important anymore. CRPS has kinda changed priorities in that regard.

But 3 years on, my hip is pretty damn good. It flexes (sometimes past 90 degrees if I work on it...yes yes I know bad bad physio student), it externally rotates to the envy of all in my little ballet class, and its not the body part limiting my walking any more lol. And gasp gasp, in just the last few days I've finally been able to lay on that side without it protesting (but to be truthful I think that is more limited by the crps pain from the incision site).
Its been an interesting teaching tool for my classmates at times due to the limited range and grinding sounds it makes and if the last imaging I had done is anything to go by I'm headed for an early hip replacement. But I dont care lol, at least I'm walking now and apart from the bolts of pain I get from stupid positions... its perfect...

So I think I'm going to say "Happy birthday" born again hip!

When the price for not doing is greater than the price for doing

I've been working on this post off and on few a few weeks but now have hopefully finished it, I dont think its as good as I wanted it to be but I hope it makes sense despite that...

When the price for not doing is greater than the price for doing...

And that is a force to be reckoned with (and sometimes it needs to be).

What I’m trying to say is sometimes the pain and exhaustion associated with a certain activity or thing is outweighed by the feeling of achievement you get from actually going the extra mile and pushing through. This drive is probably similar to the drive that helps amazing people do amazing things. I’m not talking about the usual situation when you push yourself every day to get out of bed, when just laying there and waiting for the world to go by is the easy way out… I’m talking about when you need something more to give you the incentive to reach harder goals…and this is where price tag logic comes in.


Have you heard of the spoon theory? Heres the link just in case…but sometimes you just say “to hell with spoons, I’m going to do it anyway” this isn’t something to be taken lightly, and isn’t something that is done on a regular basis but its something I am sure most if not all people who experience chronic pain go through at varying points in their lives.

In my head, its something like this:
Getting up in the morning-1 spoon
Going out for lunch with a friend-2 spoons
Proving you can do something you’ve been told is impossible? Priceless…you cant put a spoon value (or any other energy value) on this because the price for not doing it is greater than the price you pay for going ahead and doing what you set out to do.

You will pay in many ways later and sometime dearly, but that price is worth the feeling of ‘normal’/’take that’/yes I CAN still…etc I hope you get the picture...

This is what has got me through 3 years so far of physiotherapy (PT) school…and what will get me through the next year and then whatever comes next and then next… If I was wanting to let pain take over and do the whole woe is me and wanted to sulk and wallow in pain all day, would I push myself? Hell no... would I push myself knowing that I was going to ‘pay’ for it? You bet not! But everything has a price and in the chronic pain game its getting ahead with stubbornness and pigheadedness to just say ‘go to hell’ to pain and do whatever anyway. There is also this kind of desperation to look and act normal whatever the price, the consequences don’t matter, or not until they come and then you deal with them but those memories fade and you still have the ones worthy of remembering.

There are times when this logic comes in with family time, with friend time, with study, with life in general…when you have the opportunity to do something you would have done without thinking BEFORE you became a chronic pain player…only this time you have to think more than twice and roll the dice hoping that doing it anyway isn’t going to push you over the edge. Just because something falls into the priceless category doesn’t mean it doesn’t come at a cost (you just pretend it doesn’t till later), sometimes the cost is so high you set yourself back…sometimes to the point of serious heath issues and yes I have done this-more than once too...and I expect there will be times I make the decision and this will be the outcome again. But would I change the decision I made? Probably not, those kind of memories are worth more than a few days or weeks of messed up life.

I think its important to remember to push for those things that MATTER, push harder than maybe you might ordinarily and be proud of what you achieve because you are showing the true grit and strength that by believing in yourself you are capable of. You are more than pain, and can overpower it (even if what you are achieving may seem small to others...what would they know if they don't walk your in your shoes?)

So love yourself today, take pride in your achievements and think back on the times you overpowered pain and made a PRICELESS memory. Cos I'm proud of you too...

Summer break kinda crept up on me...*Surprise*

So after all that I have made it through my exams unscathed...typing saved my bacon so to speak though-without that compromise things would be a different matter entirely. I still don't know if it was enough to gain passes though-again, time will tell. Its weird (well not for me really) not sitting exams with my classmates...in fact when I think about it, over all my years of study, only one final exam have I sat in 'normal' circumstances...every other one has had either extra time, separate quiet room and then this lot a computer to type as well. I'm not ashamed that I needed extra help, just noting a fact because without this extra assistance for my written exams I have a feeling I wouldn't have made it through the way I have (although we are yet to find out if it was enough this round).

I am proud of where I'm sitting (well actually laying if you want the complete truth), I finished 3rd year of my physio degree...I made it through 3 years of tough study and though I faltered at times-I never gave up! Thats an achievement because we went from a class of 112 to 93 between 2nd and 3rd year and its not been easy on anybody.
I've had a bit of time to think recently and although I never got the grades I wanted or had set as goals, I still proved I can do this-even with pain and set backs which I am still soldiering on with. I CAN do this, I CAN push through, I DID show that despite everything I CAN do what the rest of the class can do, and I can do it well. I need to think about that and be proud of what I did achieve even if it doesn't quite match up with what I had set in my head.

I have had a few disappointing things recently, its pretty clear that I now have CRPS in my dominant hand and arm BUT knowledge is power this time round...I dont have such fear associated with symptoms like when I wasn't diagnosed in my leg. This time I knew and wasn't scared (ok I was/am pretty bummed out) of what was/ is happening. But I hate the dark extra hair already, it looks yucky to me lol and I'm not sure about the dropsy symptoms, a few broken glasses already and I cant write-which I have to fix before summer is over.
Also my knee MRI came back fine, which means, yes you guessed it...crps reaction in that too...my whole body seems to be up in revolt and crps is rearing its ugly head everywhere I have hurt by accident which is causing me to reevaluate my actions somewhat. Without noticing so much I have become way more cautious about doing stuff and I dont think thats the answer but for now I'll let it be. A little care wont go amiss.
And finally I got my DEXA scan results back which show generalised mild osteopenia which isn't technically an issue (haha) but requires that I maintain proper calcium intake (umm so yea we are working on that with the dietitian lol) and incorporate weight bearing exercise into my day.

I can just see the (physio torture) um fun I will have this summer...but summer is here and I am back home with all my accumulated belongings (what a heap you can collect up over 4 years) sad about losing some parts of my old life, but excited (and scared) to be starting a new chapter of my life and wondering just what its going to bring.

Check in for more regular updates lol, now I'm on summer break blogging will commence with more frequency :)

Yes...I can do it :) (and other matters)

One down, three to go...
Practical exam went quite smoothly considering the rough patch I am going through. Not expecting amazing marks or anything but I consider my performance solid enough to warrant a pass-time will tell of course!
I'm getting through study slowly but surely, combining study group sessions with study at home limiting my internet use (it is my weakness and a very good way to procrastinate). And of course I'm looking ahead, reminding myself that this too will pass, the 6th of November isn't that far away and with that will come my last exam for this year. We are getting passed the worrisome inability to write for any length of time but applying for use of a computer, fingers crossed I will hear in the next day or two whether its been granted.

Onto other things, I have an MRI of my knee this Thursday to see whether its miniscal tear or bone bruise or what, I'm hoping it comes up with some diagnosis anyway because just now with the inevitable crps involvement its almost impossible to figure out what is injury related and what is my body's 'normal' response. And "as an aside" (the specialist dr's exact words) I'm having a bone scan on Wednesday morning because of my recent radial fracture, the fact my knee x-ray showed possible bone thinning (and my low bmi also was/is a concern). Like I need to know I have more issues to deal with. I'm just hoping it was the x-ray exposure rather than anything wrong with my bones. But the good thing about all this is its being done private so I dont have to wait, ACC to pay for the MRI, and a drug company is paying for the bone scan-lucky me!
I'm also seeing the hand therapist on Thursday, she has just been to a conference and said she has some good ideas so I'm excited to hear what they might be, I'm working with what I got but any extra ideas are certainly welcome!
All this while continuing to study for exams and continuing to work with my scheduled eating plan. Which I am so happy to say I have finally made a move in the right direction! My weight was 0.9kg more than it was 4 weeks ago and I am sure this is due to the addition of the antinausea/increased gastric motility meds. Less puking (though not completely stopped), and not so much really intense nausea-really helps in the eating department.

So hows that for a lot of good news! Bring on Summer break though I say, I really am exhausted and need some time to rest and recuperate.

I'm not freaking out...I promise!

Its been awhile since I updated on here, that’s because I’m about to rush head on into finals (2 weeks left of class and then right into them).
Things haven’t been amazing in a few areas to the point I’ve been musing on giving up…I never would I promise! But sometimes the thought that it would be the easiest thing to do crosses my mind.
I am frustrated with how things are going, I’m behind in study but kinda lost motivation at the same time, every thing seemed just way too hard. I usually write screeds, that’s how I study and I cant write much at the moment. But I started over the weekend (baby steps) so now I feel like I have a plan and things look more achievable or at least attemptable lol.

My cast came off last Wednesday which caused a little bit of excitement (for the nurses NOT me), the vibrating cutter thing caused so much unexpected pain I passed out. Very embarrassing! But the spin off from this is I have crps in my arm to my shoulder although we are NOT going to let it settle I have promised myself that. I was referred to hand therapy and the lady is lovely and said that if things had been straight forward she would have let me manage my own rehab but since I’ve got symptoms its best we keep an eye on things (I was relieved to hear this). I’ve got colour changes, temp differences, burning, allodynia, and the all too familiar pain BUT as I said, its not going to settle, this is going to go away…
So, its causing more issues than when I had the cast on, clinical placement has been tricky with me being sent home 2 out of 3 days due to looking and feeling like I was going to faint. The funky arm involvement has caused lovely flaring in my legs and the combo has increase the nausea etc. Joy of joys. I’ve emailed my crps physio though in the hopes that she will come up with some ideas that I haven’t thought of. I’ve been mirroring my hand exercises because doing them on their own just flares everything up. And I am asking about best TENS placement and whether it’s a good idea to try.
I need to sleep! The burning and allodynia gets so bad at night I cant find a comfortable position that keeps both legs and arm relatively happy.

I’m finally on some antinausea meds though (and am going to retry also the reflux ones with them) and are starting to make me feel slightly better, not amazing but at least in the right direction. I’ve yet to actually put on some weight and the last weigh in I had continued to go in the wrong direction which I have to admit is now worrying more than just the people around me (it’s actually worrying me, shhhh)

Oh and just to complete things, when I fell and broke my wrist its possible I tore the meniscus in my left knee at the same time so I’m in the process of getting that checked out…x-rays and specialist referrals because its not just pain, its locking and giving way on me several times a day so now I have 2 legs that can shove me on the floor-nice!

When you have to, you find you can...

I am learning that there really is no such thing as can't.

Its funny analyzing your thought process, thinking through the possible whys and reasons behind your actions and emotions...why did I react like that, why did I say that, why did I decide to do this over the other choices? "Why?" is such an open question and sometimes its scary finding out the truth.

My initial thoughts on coming off tramadol and decreasing gabapentin were almost of panic as much as I am ashamed, its the truth. Why? It was a lot of fear and catastrophizing. In my head all I could think of was my upcoming big exams (feeling I'm going to fail), the pain last year that meant I got put on the tramadol in the first place. And that I had turned the meds into my validation and justify that I have pain. I'm not proud of my thought process in relation to the drugs but at the same time this is real, this is my life and this blog is my place to be real to you. I never felt like I just NEEDED the drugs, and I had no trouble stopping them despite the withdrawal symptoms but I still felt like without them life would just suck in general (and I didnt want that after 9 months of what I felt was reasonable pharmaceutical managemtent).

Do I really need drugs to validate pain? This is a hard question to answer but simple too, NO I dont need drugs to prove I am in pain and really why do I need to prove I am in pain anymore? I should be working towards it becoming just another part of my life like having to arms and needing to wear glassing to see properly. People dont make a big deal about those and I think what I want to work towards is CRPS becoming just like my slight vision impairment, something of no greater importance (I dont want to say it is not important because I think it still is, just as it is a part of my life now but it is no more important than anything else), I dont want to be known because I have pain, rather known because I know how to help people get to the same point I am working towards.

I am now in more pain than I was when I was taking tramadol, but now I have an opportunity to use all the the tools I have been shown or learnt over the last year or so of searching for information and also the little that has been presented to my class.
I had a long email conversation with an amazing lady in Canada who has such an understanding of pain science that I wish that oneday I will understand some things like her. She asked some thoughtful questions and made me really think about my faulty coping mechanisms. And that maybe some of the things I'm doing might not being treating my nervous system in the best way.

The one I let go first of all is being calm, as soon as things happen out of my control I lose control of me and also loose any sense of being cool calm and collected. I need to change the way I react in order to control my physiological and psychological body reactions.

I feel like I have an advantage in a sense; I have access to many resources due to my studies, I am in contact with people who have such a great understanding and who work with people in chronic pain. I am human and I make mistakes but I also have some baseline knowledge so I can see what I'm doing and how it is affecting me physically but more importantly emotionally because afterall, pain has such an emotional component.

In the last few days I have had time to reflect while sitting on the bus (I've turned a negative into a positve :), its about half an hour of time in the morning and then the evening, to think; about either whats going to happen through the day or how I think the day went. It also gives me a chance to day dream, relax and notice that this 'reflective' time is something I have missed out of my day for a long time. I'm consciously telling myself to slow down, to relax, to not worry about exams, to breathe and you know what I think in time this 'mind regulation' will be just as good as drugs (and better because it doesnt include toxins) and that is my goal...

I have proved I can still get out of bed in the morning with less drugs in my system, ok so the first few were harder than I thought, but the point is I did it.

The next step is learning to stay calmer and not get frustrated with my body, I'm going to try the whole 'go with the flow' thing and see, and if my feet say "take those shoes off now" you know what? I think I will listen...

Its one of those days...

...those days when I feel overwhelmed by everything. But at the same time so ashamed that I feel like this, after so long, so much education, so much knowledge and I still end up at the bottom.

I have cried in frustration, pain and exhaustion (can I blame hormones you think? periods suck...). Where is that magic wand when you need it?

I'm going through withdrawal coming off tramadol, despite coming off it the way I got told but I managed to survive the 6 hour bus trip without succumbing and being tempted to take some. Its funny but at least this is just because of physical dependence (quite different from addiction) and my body has to adjust in its own time. I'm not sleeping, I feel crappy and teary and had the 'jitterbugs' lol. Pain has increased and not only in my crps areas but also in my wrist, abdomen and also my 'fixed' hip (and its just like pre surgery pain). I think this revelation has me slightly gutted because I thought after 2.5 years things were finished with it for now. I know that I still have impingement that wasn't able to be removed and the beginnings of OA and I have been pushing it lately but still. Why did it have to join in now? lol and I still have the gabapentin to decrease yet too, what will that bring?

I asked the dr what are we going to do if coming off the meds doesnt change anything as far as the nausea/puking is concerned (bad on my part because that is just negative thinking), he said we will decide if/when that happens. I just feel like all this is bad timing, why now when I have 6 weeks left and then big exams?

I'm doing ok really, just being human and wishing things happened instantly rather than you having to have patience and wait and hope. If I learn nothing else through this I have to learn patience with myself or I will not get through. Things will get better and for what ever reason I am supposed to be walking this road just now and what I have to focus on is doing my best and showing I will do my part in the getting better thing-not at all easy when it involves things that make you feel worse in the short term but I am persevering.

My Aunt always says that you are never given more to cope with than you can handle, you just have to realise that plans are meant to be broken and not to have unrealistic expectations.

So, today is my 'write-off' day and tommorrow I will start the day with a smile (and breakfast) and hope it goes better than today.

Home on 'break'...

I got asked the other day if I was home on break or home because of the break lol! Technically I'm home on break but if it hadn't conveniently been a scheduled uni break I may have had to take time off anyway.
The OT has been persistent in reminding that the shaken brain deserves time to heal and that not giving it what it needs now may come back and bite me in the back so to speak.
Also with all the things going on with me recently I was told (rather bluntly) that if I dont take care of myself just now I am going to crash and be back here next year redoing the whole year again. And as my disability support lady said to me I've been through a lot in the last 2 years that to crash and fu*k up in the last 6 weeks of this year is not something she is going to let happen. Ummm so I think I heard that message loud and clear lol.

Wrist is confirmed as a definite fracture, and a total of 6 weeks casted is required-not a happy thought and currently driving me insane. I got a bright pink one cos its girly and I can scare people :) so far though, most people like it!

I cant write, cant cut things with a knife, cant wash, rinse properly or put my hair up. Its just completely awkward, dont get me wrong I'm not complaining but its certainly creating a lot of situations where I have to work out a way to get around the immobilised wrist. Also means I cant ride my scooter to uni so now I have to get up earlier in order to catch a bus into town and am at the mercy of their timetables. Last week I waited over an hour (in the dark sitting on the pavement) for a bus to get me home and still have to walk a couple of blocks before I am truly home. Its just so much more exhausting and I am going to have to do this for at least a month if not more. It also costs a lot more than petrol too, $25/week rather than $5-6/week.

The mirror is coming out daily, its the only thing that helps with the uncomfortable pain that has come with the new cast. At times all I want to do is rip it off!But for now I'm enjoying my week off, catching up on sleep, getting over a bad cold, relaxing, seeing friends and just being lazy...as well as working on my eating plan.

"CRPS won this week"

That is a quote from a text Jo sent me yesterday...CRPS has certainly had the upper hand this week, but have we given up? I think not!

Poor Jo had a nasty fall on Tuesday afternoon and I am still worried about whether she did some serious damage to her back when she fell on the concrete but I am hoping that it will settle down soon as long as she takes it easy. She didn't have a nice time in ED which is worrying when they do not take someone in pain seriously. Please say a few prayers that she will bounce back to feeling better really soon. I feel bad cos I would like to be able to help her out and make things easier for her but I cant.

Another of our friends (who also has crps) is having a rough time at work and it is not helping the situation. I think by Friday it became too much to handle so a few prayers for her would also be much appreciated. That her work situation settles down soon and that things are made easier to handle for her. Its bad enough the stress of working full time without people having personal vendettas against you.

And as for me, I followed in Jo's footsteps.
I had a fight with a judder bar (speed bump or whatever you call them) on a down hill driveway. It won...
Apparently I looked like I was doing a stunt double or something. I was walking down the driveway to the entrance of the rest home where I was on clinical placement and lost sense of my leg and tripped over the judder bar and fell down the bank thing. Lost consciousness for a minute or so. Apparently I was not keen to go to hospital but the RN who was checking me over decided it was necessary. I spent more than the minimum observation time because I was still pretty out of it 4 hours later so I was told. My dr and nurse were absolutely lovely though, it makes being in hospital so much nicer when you are treated well. I have holes in my very expensive clinical trousers, plenty of bruises and a few scrapes, concussion and apparently fractured the distal styloid process of the radius on my dominant hand.
Now the dr did say that she thought she could see 2 cracks in it so I'm hoping that when I go to my fracture clinic appointment that they will say it was all a mistake and not fractured afterall-I can always hope right?

I got rung up by the Occupational Therapist yesterday, she is concerned because I have concussion symptoms and am not taking time off. I dont have time to just now because I have a presentation to do on Monday etc, but I am going to have to monitor how I'm feeling and might just have to do as I'm told. She made some good points that if I push through things now and dont let my brain heal that I will make things worse and wont be able to do anything and be out of action longer. I am taking it a bit easy this weekend hoping that will be enough...

An exercise in human observation...

Which involved dressing up first...

Now we are ready for the proper photos...
At the ball...Discussing the interesting display of human behaviour...

What we were thinking of doing part way through the night (Jo regretted her heels) and couldnt get in the door fast enough when we got home lol!

Feet up on the couch...ahh that feels so much better (and then we had trouble getting up again and putting ourselves to bed)

It was fun dressing up and making the effort to go to the ball, but I felt much happier knowing I had Jo to stand beside. We had an interesting evening watching people drink themselves stupid, being kicked out by security for dangerous behaviour.
Frankly drunk people scare me! They are people I know, work with, are friends with but when they are drunk they are positively scary. In your face, hyper and they dont even remember anything afterwards. Why would you pay so much and then drink yourself to the point of nothing.

I was embarrassed actually, this was a large group of future health professionals acting very unprofessionally but that is the student culture at my university. Something I am not a part of.

But apart from that, we danced a little and chatted to people who weren't drinking into oblivion and enjoyed ourselves (I think-did we Jo?) but it was nice to go home afterward and chat in the quiet of Jo's house.
We both suffered the effects the next day (and the next and still...) Jo really overdid it having spent the day of the ball motobiking in a boggy field or two! But to dress up and be girly it was worth it.

Bowling can really shake a girl up

I went out last night, with a few close friends to go bowling.

Before we started I was shaking so bad I thought my knees would buckle-and this was socialising with close friends! It did get better though and I had lots of fun, we all did as they are highly competitive in a fun way. The highlight of the night was watching the Mum of the evening, jump in the air when she got a strike and subsequently the reaction when she came up beating us all!

I am no good at bowling (I think that was part of my anxiety in the beginning) but mixed in with many gutterballs I did manage a score of 9 once and a few respectable bowls.

It was really nice being part of the group, despite slipping a couple of times due to the slippery shoes and floor but I can handle a few bruises.
What made me feel bad though was how sick I felt when we went to their house for 'coffee' afterwards, I felt so ill and this really makes me conscious that I'm must be a downer, instead of looking like I'm enjoying myself I'm sat in a corner on the floor (because if I do fall I cant fall far) hoping that I dont puke. I wish I would feel better. I have been trying so hard to eat but everytime I eat a little bit more I feel so bad I wonder why I even bothered.
But this is a problem...I tried on my dress for the upcoming ball and discover that what fitted perfectly in February now hangs off me so much that we cant tuck it at all to make it passable. I do have something else that I can wear instead but thats not the point. The point is I now think I understand what everyone is going on about. I am trying-I promise...its just harder than you think and with that comes guilt about whats going on and my lack of understanding as to why and why me?
I went to the dr and he explained that they were having trouble deciding what would be best for me since I am so 'complex' (how I hate that word sometimes), and I dont fit into their little boxes but we have a semi plan, fingers crossed it doesnt fall through like the last 2 plans he had lol.
If only I could control the nausea then this wouldnt be so hard.

When it all feels too hard...

...its time to step up to the challange.

Things have been really weird lately, in many directions. I just want to start over and try harder but you cant do that in real life. I'm making bad choices and they are having a ripple effect and then all I do is make more bad choices.

I cant be bothered and am lazy apparently, and that really hurt to hear. I dont go out and socialise because I feel so out of place and uncomfortable (and because I'm so tired and in pain by the end of the day)-not because I cant be bothered!
So because this was said to me, I am now proving the statement wrong; I went for 2 walks on the beach this week, to ballet, and to aquafitness class (which includes a walk up and down a hill to the pool) as well as all my scheduled classes and then extra group meet ups. I am not lazy, I'm just scared of socialising and feel really self conscious when I dont have something specific to be doing.

I went to a party the other week, the girl who's birthday it was is really nice and I knew that I wouldn't feel pressured into anything. I almost didnt go at the last minute cos I felt really ill but I'm glad I went-I really enjoyed myself (and may have met a really nice boy so watch this space).

I find it really hard to put myself in positions where I'm not in control of the situation, socialising is not something you can control. I dont know what to talk about, I hate standing up and I dont drink (which is a big part of the student culture here). I dont know how to relax and just want to hide. I think its cos I feel so different and I dont get included in things that much, I feel like people are just putting up with me and I dont like forcing myself on them. I worry too much about other people and what they are thinking. I need a security blanket of some kind or someone to hide behind, I wish I was more outgoing.

But yesterday the girl who's party it was told me I had to go to more, that they were so surprised that I went and really happy I did make the effort. She posted some photos with me in on facebook and I am learning that people really do actually like me. So now I just have to try and loose my inhibitions a bit and make more effort because I resent being told I am just lazy.

There is more stuff going on, uni this semester is even more full on if that is possible and I dont think I have a great handle on exactly what is going on. I'm keeping up with classes but very behind in study, once I get my head around the timetable better I think I will settle into a better routine. But I've already started telling myself I havent done enough and need to really do way more work...I hate being type A

And I'm having a battle with eating...loosing weight I really shouldnt be, and dont seem to be able to snap out of whatever mindset I'm in that is saying its ok cos I'm feeling better this way. I getting through the day better this way why would I want to change? I know why, I'm just chosing not to

Bad choices, my life is full of them right now.

On the outside I'm fine, ever capable, reliable, smiling even (just a little thin)...

On the inside, I dont really know...

My bonny wee lad

Here are a few pics of my Godson Matthew, he entered the world abruptly while they were on the way to hospital in the middle of the night. Thankfully both Mother and baby were fine. Just before my exams started he was baptised and I am a very proud doting Godmother (now I have two kiddies to spoil). His Dad was in an accident the day after his baptism so things have been a bit tough in their house for a bit but it sounds like daddy is recovering well so fingers crossed he won't have much in the way of lasting impairment.I made his mother promise to take pics of him while I was away on break for 3 weeks because I was going to miss him growing (hopefully will get them from her soon) and he has grown a lot!

They came round the other afternoon when I was home from uni so I got lots of smiles and cuddles until he was fussing to be fed and Mother was required again :)I love babies, and he is a cutie. I cant believe that he is 10 weeks already!

Sydney trip...

Ok, so a little summary of my trip away. The plane ride over was ok, but I felt it more in the morning as I had to get my bags down 2 flights of stairs, silly me declined the offer of help from a young man. The 8 hour train ride to Armidale was ok too as I didnt have anyone sitting beside me so I was able to rest my legs up for most of the trip.
The first few days I spent in Armidale where my friend is studying, it was the 'restful' part of the trip, we did venture out and went on a heritage tour as well as a shopping trip and she gave me a guided tour of the university. But there was plenty of time for resting up, so much that I even read a whole book (something I haven't done for I dont know how long). She was in charge of all meals so I really didnt have to do much at all!

Then we took the train (another 8 hours and this time no chance of putting my feet up) back to Sydney to spend the rest of my holiday to get a taste of what Sydney has to offer. We were lucky enough to be able to stay in her friends appartment which was really nice.

We did rather a lot in the 4 days we had, maybe a little too much for me but I didnt want to waste the time so I braved it out. We did mammoth amounts of walking and there were a few moments where I just had to sit down and we had to find somewhere with seats. There was no chance of sitting on the pavement because there were just so many people walking everywhere. Each night as we headed back to the appartment for tea I was on my last legs so dinner was always simple and we got in our jamas and watched movies before going to sleep.
The weather was lovely most of the time, much warmer than it had been at home and a couple of days it was even just t-shirt weather.
I did have a lot of fun and we are already plotting places to go and visit (and shops too) which we didnt have time for but have decided we need to be earning and have plenty of money to spend lo (but even without much money this time I managed a fair bit of shopping)l!

Once I got home (thank you Mum for picking me up at the airport in the middle of the night), it took me a bit to get over the over activity of the week away but we pay the price of having fun and it was worth it. Waiting for the heritage tour to start in Armidale

With the Sydney harbour bridge in the background, it was warm enough for short sleeves

One of my much needed sit down breaks and refueling (I had a strawberry blended ice which was yummy!)

Another sunny day having fun on the way to Darling Harbour

Indulging, we had our nails done one morning

Its an update...

Holiday adventures should be the first post but I haven't got them all written up so instead I've got some dr appointment news to share.
I've been issued with a few things I MUST do (uh things I kinda knew I should be doing but have been a little slack with)
1-Try and take at least one salmon oil capsule a day despite how sick I feel (had been taking 4)
2-Make sure I take magnesium every day (should help the crappy distorting cramp things)
3-use the lignocaine cream twice a day (not the every now and then I have been doing to save it)
4-NO more falls

I got offered another peripheral nerve injection but it didnt do much good last time and I dont know what my hesitation is but I just dont feel 100% so I said no, I even said to them I didnt know why except that it didnt help much last time and they were fine with it but I still felt like I didnt have a good enough reason to say no.

I saw my physio this morning and its always good to see her because we get an hour to really discus things.
One of the first things she asked me was how much weight had I lost! I dont even know as I haven't weighed myself but its not that much I'm sure.
I had another random, extreme, double over in waves of pain, sweat bucket loads and feel like I'm going to pass out episodes a couple of days ago. Dr once again goes through the process of suspecting appendicitis (which I said it wasnt going to be), it was different from last time and several theories were suggested, bloods were done (which showed an elevated white count but later attributed to a cold I had over a week ago) but for now I'm to just monitor how things go.
Physio is pretty sure its all crps related, preceded by bad eating habits and stress. Apparently my stomach and GI tract are reacting to normal stimuli (ie food) and stretch and is so sensitive because I've basically been starving myself (not intenionally) so now I just feel very ill and nauseated all the time. So instead of the usual physio catch up session I had a nutrition lesson. A meal planner has been drawn up and step by step how to build up to eating 6 meals a day and what should be included in each one. I am not looking forward to all the work planning lists of choices but if this is what I have to do to start feeling better then I'm going to try my best. I am going to have to really plan this well so that I know what to buy at the supermarket each week or its not going to work and I need this to work.

We really didnt touch on how things have been going crps wise in other directions because she said the most important thing right now is to get me back on track or else nothing is going to change regardless of what we do. She did make me feel a bit better by saying that I'm doing really well and that because I'm in such a physically demanding course that its helping keep me going. Despite the times like I told her when I really don't want to eve stand up, I do because I have to...I realise even though I felt like I had lost my motivation-if I had, I wouldn't have carried on so I know I'm going back to physio school on Monday and I know I can do this. She also said not to let people make me feel like I have to prove anything, I can do this just as well as anybody and passing all my exams from last semester (apart from the one I have yet to sit) shows that. Another thing for me to keep in mind.

So for now I'm just going to focus on the things I can change, like my eating habits (or lack of) and following the pain specialists instructions more closely because if I dont do my part how can I expect change?

My Mum is an Angel and home is a piece of heaven

I have the warmest room in the house, my Mum put on the electric blanket to warm my bed for me when I was out the other night and I have had the best 2 nights sleep I have had in a long time.
Nothing is too much trouble, too much work, she cooks really nice dinner for me, takes me out to the shops to get food and snacks I can manage to eat, just being home for 2 and a half days and I'm feeling more relaxed.

Exams are over for now and time will tell how I have done. I don't want to think about them really because I dont feel like I have much hope of doing ok. This will be the closest I have ever felt to actual failure and I'm not even sure I want to know my exam results. Its weird, the longer I continued to feel so ill and the less time I had to study, the less I cared about even sitting any exams, I didnt have the energy. I'm just more frustrated than anything that I wasn't able to put the work I wanted and needed to put into exam prep as I should have and because of that its going to be hard not to be disappointed.

I went to see a dr and he was really lovely, didnt make me feel like it was all about feelings (and if you sort out your emotions everything will disappear...). He ran some more bloods and I will get the results sometime this coming week and he wrote a certificate for my exam impairment application. I'm not expecting that the blood tests will reveal anything but its worth ruling things out just the same.
I contacted the physio who works with my pain specialist and she said that he will be able to help me and that she will be able to help me work on the nausea too, saying it is the result of a 'lowered central threshold'. So I'm thinking thats a bit like the hypersensitivity that comes with crps and that now my body is reacting to other types of normal stimuli the wrong way (I'm expecting to be told its a result of stress). I'm just glad to hear that hopefully once I see them I will be able to get over all this and be back to feeling better becuase I really dont like the thought of carrying on like this for much longer. Mornings are the worst by far and one of my practical exams finished a little pear shaped as I did not make it out the door before I fainted causing yet more havoc. I told the associate dean that I'm not comming back for semester 2 if I'm not feeling better, there is no way I can get through class full time and clinical placement feeling the way I have been. Mum suggested trying ginger to see if it helped the nausea and although it doesnt get rid of it completely, drinking ginger beer and sucking these ginger sweets I found is certainly helping me get through the day much easier and I'm finally able to eat a bit more without fear of puking it up again.

I have almost finished packing yet again, tomorrow afternoon I'm off overseas to Australia for an 8 day holiday visiting a friend who is studying med. I'm so excited that we are both on semester break at the same time so that we are able to be together and have some well earned fun. She has been 'plotting' ever since I booked my flights and I just hope that I dont ruin anything because of how I've been feeling. She is not fazed and says we will just see how things go and plan accordingly. Frequent small meals are on the menu and I know she is someone who will understand if I say I need to sit or slow down at any point. She is going to make a really good dr in a few years time.
So, I wont be online very much if at all in the next week as I'm leaving my laptop behind and looking forward to taking things easy with a good friend, forgetting about uni and hopefully feeling a bit better as well. Just a little bit scared as I will be flying on my own and spending the first night on my own in central Sydney before I catch the 8 hour train to where my friend is living but I'm sure I will be fine :)

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride...

How I wish that I could stop feeling sick. Nausea sucks...

nausea+random pain+crps pain+exam stress=too much.

I'm being worn down by having to deal with all this, despite the fact I have actively stopped stressing about exams, I know subconsciously I still am. But I have been through exams with crps before and I didn't make myself physically sick so I'm inclined to think that there is more going on.
Also the nausea started over a month ago, way before even the hint of exam pressure was dawning.

I feel worse once I have eaten, which is making life difficult as you cant just stop eating (or at least I cant afford to).

I have figured out that a piece of toast in the morning (minus the bottom crust) and a glass of juice to take my meds, will stay down. Any more and I have trouble stopping it come back up. Lunch time I can eat a few crackers and an apple or a yoghurt if I'm lucky...
Dinner mostly I'm eating almost 2/3rds of what I had been and feel pretty sick but can keep it down if I stay still.
If I try eating any more than that then watch out my stomach will not like it and it wont stay down.
I'm sipping water throughout the day so I'm keeping hydrated.

Last night I had a piece of chocolate cake a bit after dinner and boy did I regret it afterwards but it did taste nice :)

I'm not sleeping due to the tummy pain and nausea, feeling pretty tired due to the lack of sleep, end of semester and probably lack of food.
Starting to get pretty upset with myself because I'm not able to spend the time I know I should be and need to studying. I have to lay curled up a lot because that's the best position to keep from puking and you cant study like that (not when you feel rotten anyway).

I'm starting to notice subtle signs that I'm losing weight, which is something I am very aware I need to stop because I don't have reserves to loose.
A friend suggested I just become anorexic to solve the problem!!!which is terrible advice, there is no way I can afford to even get myself into that way of thinking.

I have a Dr's appointment tomorrow to get a medical certificate to go with my special consideration application and I really hope that this guy will be able to suggest something to help me feel better.
Because its been suggest this is related to crps I don't really know what to think about it. I cant wait for my pain specialist appointment next month to ask him his opinion, because I guess he is my specialist and will hopefully give me some direction on what could be going on. I don't like the thought this actually could be crps, I don't deal well with nausea and if I cant get it under control there is no way I am going to be able to get through the rest of the year with clinical placements etc. I just don't see it possible...crps is hard enough without adding daily nausea to it.

I'm just so tired of no relief and no end in sight, what could possibly be causing all this to be happening?

An RSD guide to getting through exams

SET REALISTIC GOALS! Before you turned into a chronic pain warrior you may have been able to Ace an exam with your eyes closed, but its different now...SO WHAT!…just being here trying is testimony to your courage and strength (and that C or B is worth so much more than those A’s you used to get, just because of the effort you put into getting them)

Phone a friend to debrief after your exams if you feel that unloading helps your mind calm down.

Don’t run out of any meds (or if you do make sure you have a friend on hand with a stash gathering dust)

Surround yourself with supportive people, find someone you study well with, teaching others what you are learning is a great way to understand something better. But schedule some alone time too.

Take regular breaks…Sometimes taking a break is better than trying to cram more information in, your brain only holds so much, and its probably holding a good amount of pain so that leaves limited space.

Do NOT put yourself down in the middle of an exam because you heard yourself say/do something wrong or silly…so what? Everybody is making those same mistakes and at least you tried!

Its ok to freak out a LITTLE, heck everyone around you is too so its normal, just don’t let it consume you.

Don’t cancel sport/exercise/dance dates to study, having fun releases endorphins, de-stresses and increases blood flow - all more important for your brain than looking at pages of dancing letters for the 1000th time.

Set little rewards between exams, things to look forward to...they are great at helping you stay focused

Now is a good time to practice those meditation and relaxation strategies you know how to use…you could even do with teaching them to a few of your frazzled classmates

Eat PROPERLY, do not skip meals just because you cant waste study time, and drink plenty of WATER

Go to bed and try and get the same number of hours of sleep you would usually get, being extra tired is not going to help your over worked brain function well.

BELIEVE in yourself, you probably know more than you think you do, and stressing about shoulda/coulda’s doesn’t change anything (except waste more precious time)

And be PROUD of your achievements, you dont have it easy so to be standing where you are makes you AMAZING!

Please grant me the strength to get through

because right now everything is so overwhelming that its taking all I've got to keep myself together.

I have not done enough study to get me through the next week of practical, oral and written exams and I do not feel I deserve to pass.

I have studied and practiced but not as much as I wanted to and certainly not as much as I should have. I am still dealing with this horrible tummy pain and nausea that is affecting almost everything. Dear God I need a miracle...

I've been tagged :)

This is a bit of a different questionnaire that Alison tagged me with so I thought I would play the game :)

What is your current obsession?

I wouldn't say that I am obsessed with anything as such...but being in control would have to be my 'obsession' I think.

Starbucks or Peets?

I'm not sure what Peet's is either so I say Starbucks. They are pretty expensive so quite a treat but they do make nice hot/iced chocolates (what I order lol).

What's for dinner?

I've just had my dinner, it was mashed potato and this lamb curry dish thing my Uncle made.

What would you eat for your last meal?

A really nice Italian pasta dish and some salad, and then a to die for chocolate cake (how fitting lol).

What was the last thing you bought?

A packet of perky nana's does the count? But the last thing I bought that wasnt food was return flights to Sydney for a week during my semester break.

What are you listening to right now?

Jon Schmidt (probably sounds weird but I love listening to piano pieces)

What is your favourite flavour ice cream?

A really good real chocolate ice cream

What do you think of the person(s) that tagged you?

She is an amazing young woman and I think that she will achieve some amazing things as she grows up!

If you could go anywhere in the World for the next hour, where would you go?

I would love to go and meet one of my overseas RSD friends, but it would be really hard to choose who to go visit...

Which language do you want to learn?

Sign language, I have been wanting to learn this for absolutely ages but have to wait till after I finish my degree because I dont have the time just now.

What is your favourite quote right now?

"Spread your wings and fly...nothing is impossible!"

What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?

I think is the amazing blue dress hiding in a bag in my wardrobe, its sky blue and has flowers and butterflies on it in beadwork, its such a pretty grown up dress and I am saving it for my graduation dinner to wear it is so special.

What is your dream job?

I want to be a Physiotherapist (Physical therapist) who works in pain management and helps others who are in the same position I have been in. I am getting closer to reaching my goal, a year and a half to go.

What is your worst habit?

I am too scared to speak my mind and instead I just sit quiet and dont say anything. There are many times I would like to just say how I'm feeling but I dont want to create a scene.

If you had £100, what would you spend it on right now?

I would keep it for my holidays that are coming up really soon, I would spend it in Sydney on some nice clothes and things to spoil myself a bit.

Do you admire anyones style?

I always liked Liv Tyler, she seemed to have depth unlike a lot of celebrities around. But I dont really follow the stars. I admire my best friend very much, she has so much confidence and because of that is exploring the world and having so much fun (I wish I was with her so we could do it together)

Describe your style?

I am pretty girly but am really lazy and mostly go around in trackpants and comfy tops and sneakers. I need comfy and sensible clothes because of what I am studying at uni.

What are you going to do after this?

Study!!!! Exams are so so close!

What are your favourite movies?

Well of course there is The Sound of Music :) and I love Finding Neverland too.

What is your favourite fruit?

Summer fruits, too many to name

What inspires you?

The people close to me who battle on showing so much courage, they inspire me to continue fighting on. S a physio at the school I study at, he reminds me why I'm doing this and that nothing can stop me achieving my goal.

Your favourite book?

I love proper childrens classics, L M Alcot (The little woman 4 books), C S Lewis (Narnia chronicles), L M Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables series)...you get the picture, I'm a romantic and have a vivid imagination so these types of stories make full use of it. I dont read much anymore due to my head injury and the rsd effects.

Do you collect something?

Pretty things lol, I have a coin collection and also stamps among other random things like the minature Winnie the Pooh play sets that were around a while back.

What is your favourite smell?

Just after it has rained, the air smells so clean and lovely.

What are you most proud of?

I guess I am proud of what I have got through and the fact I am still in the physio school program. Things have been tough but I am still here doing my best.

What are five beauty products you couldn't live without?

Beauty products are not really my thing but I make sure I wear my bronzing powder when on placement, otherwise I look pretty ill and I dont like being asked whether I'm ok all the time.

Cats or dogs?

Cats

A cosy night in or a night on the town?

A cosy night in :)


I'm not into tagging people so if you want to play along feel free!
here are the rules:
1. respond and rework; answer the question on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention, add more one question of your own.
2. tag eight other people

"Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out?"

I was semi watching a film on TV (my concentration span is fairly minimal...) and heard that quote. I really felt like it was saying something to me and I love it.

I am not pretty, or funny, or outgoing, or popular. I am not a lot of things but one thing I seem to be really good at is not being able to fit in. Its not easy being different for whatever reason (family upbringing, religion, disability etc) and I've spent my life wishing I could just fit in like everybody else. I hated being teased and picked on, being left out of games, not being accepted because I was different, and my self esteem was shattered. So I have spent my life striving to fit in, try and do what everyone else is, and fade into the background. I hated wearing different clothes, the rules my parents had, the responsibilities I had at home, you name it, if it made me different to others then I did not like it.

But no matter how hard I try to 'fit' in, I still end up being different. Having RSD has stopped me from ever being that normal person. I was trying so hard to play this year right, I ended up informing the school and keeping them updated and now I have this weird illness drag out (which has been hypothesized as rsd related), mess up my ability to just study and prepare for exams and sit them the way everybody else will be. Already I have been told to fill out special consideration for all my upcoming exams, something I was really hoping to get through this year without having to do. I wanted to prove that I could do things just the same way as everybody else and yet again I feel like I am so far behind and the only thing lef to do is claim impairment (which has been explained to me is warranted despite me thinking otherwise).

But maybe I am just not supposed to be that person who 'fits' in, and maybe, just maybe I should embrase being different and find confidence in who I am as a person and stop trying to be like everyone else.
From today I am going to make that quote my thought to remember. The thing I tell myself when I am too scared to speak up, too scared to have an opinion, too scared to stand out and be different.

Its not the people just like everyone else who gets remembered...its the ones who stand out, the ones who are different..they are the ones who get remembered.

Umm, yes I do know I'm just a bit special...

I'm talking to my Mum on the phone and its getting late. I need to find out what the time is so I look for my cellphone (its my clock...). Its not on my bed, its not beside me on the table where I usually put it, I shift my laptop to see if its under it, I shift the notes on my bed to see if the phone is under them. I get up off my bed to see if I was sitting on it or if it got under the duvet. I'm frantically looking on the floor and everywhere for it because I rely on my cellphone for a lot of things, and I still cant find it anywhere. My Mum tells me the time (I'm still on the phone to her) and I look in the mirror...

I'M TALKING TO MY MUM ON MY CELLPHONE

She laughs and says she thought I was on it.

How crazy is that? Seriously, my brain is not working well at all

She's on my side

I have an ally and it feels so good knowing she is on my side. The associate dean actually said that she knew I had what it takes to do this, but my body was being difficult just now.
She was really nice and understanding...I felt so bad that I was presenting with yet another problem, but as she said, I couldn't do anything about the free fluid and being ill and how it affected me and that it was important to listen to my body and rest if that was what I needed to do. That I cant do any more than I am just now and she realises that and also realises that I dont like the situation so I am doing as much as I can.

She is going to try and sort out the missed terms test but said it is not something that gets resat next year so I'm not sure what will get done about it. Its only finals that get offered as specials at the beginning of the following year. I'm also to fill out special consideration for all my upcoming practicals and exams because of how my preparation and performance will have been affected and she said if I do not pass anything then it should be taken into consideration and not affect terms (rhis round most of them are internals for full year papers, only one is a final exam). I'm hoping that I will scrape through but just now I'm not sure I have a proper handle on anything, fingers crossed thats just a feeling and I'm not as behind as I think.

So thats one meeting down, yet another meeting tomorrow with the disability office to see how they can help me sort out this mess. I'm hoping they have a good plan of attack to help me wade through all the missed classes etc. I'm also hoping that I dont cry...I always end up crying in these meetings and I feel so weak when I do, and that I must look pathetic. I just want to show them I can do this and its hard having to admit to needing help when you pretend to look so normal to the outside world. Its like a double edged sword "I'm fine, I'm fine...but I need help..."

I feel fake

Offer accepted

Yay for people who can realise when its a good time to take over. I spent quite some time on the presentation last night and this morning, its all set just to have the other's research added and then be referenced accordingly. We got together tonight and I was expecting people to have their contribution all ready to just add but it wasn't that simple. Luckily one of them offered to take over as he could clearly see I was struggling to even talk by that point. He is now collecting the remaining data and will add it to the powerpoint poster ready for us to give it a final look over in the morning and hand in by email. One of the others has now taken over writing the script for the presentation too, he's taken my skeleton idea and sounds like he has great plans for it, its going to be quite fun!

I am still feeling particularly unwell and washed out. During a lecture this afternoon I ended up laying down because I thought I was going to pass out. A friend made sure I made it out afterward and left me resting after convincing me that missing the next tutorial was what I NEEDED to do, and suffering though it (or making a spectacle of myself in it) was unecessary. I rested for the 2 hours and then dazed through the last lecture of the day before our group meeting tonight.

I found out that because I missed the Pathology mid term last week I am most likely going to have to sit special exams beginning of next year but we will see. I have to meet up with the associate dean again now due to my time off and hopefully we can sort out the mess I am in. If I was a bit behind before, now I am so behind I dont want to think about it and semester exams are just around the corner.

I'm going to bed, I am so so tired and its early morning starts every day of the week this semester. I hope others are feeling better than I do just now.

Superhuman I am not...

...so why do I take on more than my fair share? Why do I continually say I will take care of things when its clear I'm having trouble just being here?

Because I need to be in control, in charge; to make sure things are done to my standard and I'm not up for compromise, I'm pathetic.

Its after 7pm on a Sunday night, I've just taken the whole last week off uni to try and get better (which I don't seem to have achieved), my foot and leg is yelling at me (its pretty high on the pain scale), muscles in my leg are spasming uncontrollably, my thigh is not even liking the lightness of my trouser touching it, my back hurts, my head is pounding I can hardly focus and I'm physically and mentally exhausted... and I'm sitting at uni organizing a poster presentation.

WTF??? how did I let myself?

Yes the other's have contributed, yes they have done their part in this but I took it upon myself to put the whole load together, to spruce up the sample poster, to make it ours and original. I'm also coming up with the 'script' for our presentation to go with the poster. Why can't I trust someone else to organise it? Why couldn't I have given my research to one of the others to put it all together? Why? Because I need to control things and I am a born organiser (I remember being told this in primary school...how good I was as organising and making sure things got done and done well), I have idea's and want things to be the best they can be and I think I can acheive that....but this would have been a good time to decide that passing was good enough, I dont have the energy or the brain power.


I just realised I'm not superhuman...but its too late.

I hate hospital...

Once again I found myself in hospital over the weekend and through till Monday (not due to a fall this time thank goodness...)

I had awful tummy pain, felt very sick and was very unsteady on my feet. I didnt know what to do, so I rang Jo and she said to ring the healthline and see what they said, they said to go and get checked out. I then rang my Mum to see what she thought I should do (seen as it was Saturday evening). She said to follow the advice I had been given and to go to the ED, so my Uncle kindly took me.

I got a bed instantly which was nice because lying on my side curled up was the least uncomfortable position and I lay there for about 3 hours before being taken to be assessed by a dr. They were pretty busy dealing with drunks creating a scene and I lost count of the number of drunk students who had put their hands through windows! They said thank you to me for waiting so patiently lol.

It was possible I had appendicitis seen as I had most of the positive signs but it could have been several other things too. I got assessed by the surgical registrar and it was decided to admit me and just keep watch over how things progressed before anything drastic happened, (I was not keen on the ides of surgery one bit!). The ED dr did my IV and she was amazing, first time and in a place that wasnt too uncomfortable too!

Sunday I had an ultrasound which showed free fluid in my abdomen and I was told that fitted with my presentation so just to keep with the pain relief and antinausea and see how things went and I was then allowed to try and eat.

I couldn't eat much more than a spoonful of the soup I got but I had been kept hydrated with fluid and was drinking as much as possible. I had a ghastly night not being able to sleep due to hot sweats and my hands and feel swelling up so I couldnt make a fist. Due to the weekend, the hospital pharmacy wasnt open so they didnt have all my medications and due to not having brought them in with me, my med schedule was all messed up. I dont think that helped my pain levels or the side effects I was having.

Monday I was dealing with the pain better by then (you kinda get used to things you know) so I tollerated the surgeon touching my tummy better although it was still pretty painful and straight after I puked up the limited contents of my stomach. And they decided that seen as things hadn't progressed any further, no surgery was required just now (phew) and I could go home (double phew!).

When the house surgeon came to talk to me about discharge rx and I said I needed pretty good antinausea meds cos they had been giving me a double combo to try and control things he almost changed his mind and made me stay. Thank goodness I was able to talk him into letting me go home. I knew I had no chance of getting better in hospital, I couldnt even stay still due to the pain, no sleep, heat and med mess up. I'm just to go back in should the pain get really bad again I (fingers crossed it doesnt cos I didnt deal well with the added pain and nausea).

I've been given the week off classes to recover as they said I would need the week. Initially I thought I would bounce back but I'm finding out just how washed out I am and think I will need that week. Bad news is I had a terms test tonight worth 35% that I am missing and I dont want to think what a mess that is going to turn into but just now I dont care.

I do have to say though that despite the amount of pain meds I am currently on, they still gave me morphine for the pain and didn't treat me badly like I dreaded. I have heard horror stories of people with RSD going to hospital and being treated like drug seakers etc.
The surgical registrar on Monday did sound pretty surprised at how much pain I must be in when he saw what drugs I'm on but I think it was because he hadn't come across it before and he was still nice about it. The consultant wanted to know a bit about what was affected by RSD but he was also nice (we think he looked after a friend who also has RSD when she had trouble recently). So overall I had pretty reasonable treatment appart from the pharmacy thing.

The thing that was most difficult to deal with (appart from the heat the hospital always seems to be) was the number of visitors the girl next to me had! she would have 3 girls all come in at once and they made so much noise, I felt pretty lousy so that gave me such a headache cos I couldnt get away from it. And they kept coming, as soon as one lot left another lot arrived-I started to wonder just how sick that girl really was (was that bad of me?). Anyways I am home now, eating in small amounts to try and get my system used to food again and resting a lot. I am so wiped out and drained. Just walking to the bathroom and I am shaking which is pretty embarrassing! But I'm starting to feel better, which is good, just taking it slowly.

Thing is though, I never thought to ask how I got free fluid in my abdomen and what it would be...obviously it wasn't supposed to be there so I wonder how it got there and whether its something I should be conscious of and if it happens again does that mean anything?

Part 3- Love is...

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:1

How I love that passage, it is such a simple verse but very powerful.
I think today is a fitting day to ramble about this word and what it encompasses. It is more than just meaning, it is a word that has such depth and such strong emotion because without it there is nothing.

Mother's day is all about love, without love this day would be lacking, because it is a Mother's love that is so strong as to lift the hearts of all even when one is close to despair. She nurtures love in her children, teaching them the simple ways of love and by her actions shows the sacrifice that love has to make at times. Love is not always easy, it is not always noticed but when it is true, love is everything.

I feel loved...
...my friends and my family wrap a thick coat of love around, me and it is this shield that protects me from mortal danger when I fall, their love is keeping me alive. When all else fails, love stays strong, love conquers all. I am nothing without love. Love is seen in people's actions, is heard in their softly spoken words, is felt in their all-enveloping embrace and comforts you so....your heart can relax, calmed by the knowledge that you are safe in the arms of someone who loves you.

It never ceases to amaze me just how much love people can show, and how many people their love can be shared with. I think that the more love you show, the more love you will have to share and the more you will be loved in return-its an everlasting circle.

Take time to share your love, say those 3 words to the people who matter to you...they may be simple but when said with meaning, they move mountains.

Mum, I LOVE YOU.

and all you people around the world who show me such love....I LOVE YOU TOO!

Water is for drinking, not breathing

My abs and all my accessory inspiration muscles ache so much now due to how hard I had to try and breathe after trying to 'breathe' my water.

Our tutor is really funny, in between being maddening and getting WAY off track in class. But it doesn't pay to take a mouthful when he is cracking jokes-I learnt that the hard way today.

And the worst thing was I couldn't really tell people what was going on cos everything I tried to talk I felt so dizzy I thought I was going to pass out. I had to take really tiny gasps of air or else everything seemed to close completely and I couldnt breathe at all.

I'm fine now though, just took a while for my breathing to get back to normal. I think I may have actually got some water in my lungs and that triggered my epiglottis to close in reflex or something. I certainly dont want to do that again anytime soon though it wasn't fun at all.

Spread the Word!!!!

Part 2 Give me Strength

But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles; They shall run and not be weary; They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

Strength is not how hard you try, but not giving up in the face of adversity...

Strength is what makes up pick ourselves up and carry on despite...

Strength is what lets you forgive someone when they did something that really hurt you...

Strength is what makes you take that leap when you are scared and not sure of what you are getting into...

Every time we face a new fear it makes us stronger...and teaches us more about ourselves too.

It takes strength to get up in the morning, strength to carry on when the going gets tough, strength to be you and not try and be something you aren't.

Strength is not just about how heavy you can lift or how long you can hold, but how you battle on each and every day, how you survive to make it to the next.

And I'll leave you with this quote which sums it up quite nicely I think (sorry I'm not sure who wrote it):

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”