...those days when I feel overwhelmed by everything. But at the same time so ashamed that I feel like this, after so long, so much education, so much knowledge and I still end up at the bottom.

I have cried in frustration, pain and exhaustion (can I blame hormones you think? periods suck...). Where is that magic wand when you need it?

I'm going through withdrawal coming off tramadol, despite coming off it the way I got told but I managed to survive the 6 hour bus trip without succumbing and being tempted to take some. Its funny but at least this is just because of physical dependence (quite different from addiction) and my body has to adjust in its own time. I'm not sleeping, I feel crappy and teary and had the 'jitterbugs' lol. Pain has increased and not only in my crps areas but also in my wrist, abdomen and also my 'fixed' hip (and its just like pre surgery pain). I think this revelation has me slightly gutted because I thought after 2.5 years things were finished with it for now. I know that I still have impingement that wasn't able to be removed and the beginnings of OA and I have been pushing it lately but still. Why did it have to join in now? lol and I still have the gabapentin to decrease yet too, what will that bring?

I asked the dr what are we going to do if coming off the meds doesnt change anything as far as the nausea/puking is concerned (bad on my part because that is just negative thinking), he said we will decide if/when that happens. I just feel like all this is bad timing, why now when I have 6 weeks left and then big exams?

I'm doing ok really, just being human and wishing things happened instantly rather than you having to have patience and wait and hope. If I learn nothing else through this I have to learn patience with myself or I will not get through. Things will get better and for what ever reason I am supposed to be walking this road just now and what I have to focus on is doing my best and showing I will do my part in the getting better thing-not at all easy when it involves things that make you feel worse in the short term but I am persevering.

My Aunt always says that you are never given more to cope with than you can handle, you just have to realise that plans are meant to be broken and not to have unrealistic expectations.

So, today is my 'write-off' day and tommorrow I will start the day with a smile (and breakfast) and hope it goes better than today.


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