...its time to step up to the challange.

Things have been really weird lately, in many directions. I just want to start over and try harder but you cant do that in real life. I'm making bad choices and they are having a ripple effect and then all I do is make more bad choices.

I cant be bothered and am lazy apparently, and that really hurt to hear. I dont go out and socialise because I feel so out of place and uncomfortable (and because I'm so tired and in pain by the end of the day)-not because I cant be bothered!
So because this was said to me, I am now proving the statement wrong; I went for 2 walks on the beach this week, to ballet, and to aquafitness class (which includes a walk up and down a hill to the pool) as well as all my scheduled classes and then extra group meet ups. I am not lazy, I'm just scared of socialising and feel really self conscious when I dont have something specific to be doing.

I went to a party the other week, the girl who's birthday it was is really nice and I knew that I wouldn't feel pressured into anything. I almost didnt go at the last minute cos I felt really ill but I'm glad I went-I really enjoyed myself (and may have met a really nice boy so watch this space).

I find it really hard to put myself in positions where I'm not in control of the situation, socialising is not something you can control. I dont know what to talk about, I hate standing up and I dont drink (which is a big part of the student culture here). I dont know how to relax and just want to hide. I think its cos I feel so different and I dont get included in things that much, I feel like people are just putting up with me and I dont like forcing myself on them. I worry too much about other people and what they are thinking. I need a security blanket of some kind or someone to hide behind, I wish I was more outgoing.

But yesterday the girl who's party it was told me I had to go to more, that they were so surprised that I went and really happy I did make the effort. She posted some photos with me in on facebook and I am learning that people really do actually like me. So now I just have to try and loose my inhibitions a bit and make more effort because I resent being told I am just lazy.

There is more stuff going on, uni this semester is even more full on if that is possible and I dont think I have a great handle on exactly what is going on. I'm keeping up with classes but very behind in study, once I get my head around the timetable better I think I will settle into a better routine. But I've already started telling myself I havent done enough and need to really do way more work...I hate being type A

And I'm having a battle with eating...loosing weight I really shouldnt be, and dont seem to be able to snap out of whatever mindset I'm in that is saying its ok cos I'm feeling better this way. I getting through the day better this way why would I want to change? I know why, I'm just chosing not to

Bad choices, my life is full of them right now.

On the outside I'm fine, ever capable, reliable, smiling even (just a little thin)...

On the inside, I dont really know...


Lisa Moon said...

Glad to read your post, as always. I think you're very wise to closely consider the things going on in your life.

You're NOT lazy. It's completely ignorant to suggest so! You're a very busy and determined young woman who has a great deal to manage in her young life - and you're doing the best damn job you can... and it is awesome to behold, my dear!

I know it's an ignorant comment because I was just talking to yet another friend today about the isolation of chronic pain/illness. Too often we don't want to be a burden or simply cannot keep up with our friends and peers. Some days it makes us sad; some days you might find it makes you angry. There's no perfect way to work through this. Most of us are struggling on our own, with little support and few, if any, friends or trusted confidants who can even understand a little of what we must live with each day.

When your 'typical' morning routine of getting up, showering, eating something, perhaps packing a lunch, getting your books, tidying your mess and getting to work or school means you're EXHAUSTED and your day has just begun, THEN you begin to understand what each day of our life entails!

Tell that guy to imagine his most tiring day, one where he worked maybe 12-14 hours, had family to entertain or some dreary professional conference to attend. Then, add in a nasty headache or hangover from drinking far too much... then he *might* have a bit of an idea of what it feels like for us - EVERY DAY OF OUR LIVES.

I don't mean to preach to the choir, my dear. I know YOU know. I'm just saying I'm learning to find the words to express to an 'outsider' from our world what it is like - kind of. In polite terms, non-scary ones... but clear none the less.

Love you, admire you and respect you tons. You're my friend, a hero and someone I'm proud to know. In fact, I 'brag' a little about you to everyone at my pain rehab place - how proud and amazed I am at your commitment!

I can't wait til we get to see each other in person.

Until then, I'm always, always here for you.

Big hugs!!! XOXO

RSDsux said...

It's so good to see a post from you, Felicia! I always enjoy them!

I totally understand what you mean about finding socialising hard! Before I got RSD, I used to always be out and about doing something. Now, I just sit in my room on the internet talking to my friends via email or studying which I know isn't very good for me but i'm always very self conscious about how I feel or what people might think of me and it is always such a hard effort to get ready and go out!

I am a little better than I was now after a LOT of work! I think the school centre helped a little with that. They have 'confidence classes' as most of the kids there are shy like me due to ilness or something similar. The councellors really helped and some of the other kids and I go out when we can. We went to the cinemas last week and shopping and are hoping to go shopping again on Tuesday. It's hard getting out and makes my pain a lot worse sometimes but it's worth it! I think it really helped me having friends who know what I am going through to talk to. None of the kids in mainstream school understand what RSD is like so they just 'dumped me' as soon as I fell ill and moved on with their lives.

I totally agree with what Lisa said - you are NOT lazy at all! All the time I have spoken to you, you have been busy with Uni and to do that as well as have RSD is incrediable - don't let anyone tell you different!! I really don't understand why people can be so judgemental ... they should try living a day in our shoes and maybe then they would truly know how hard it is to live with RSD!

I really hope you can work through this somehow hun as I know how hard it is. Like Lisa, I don't think there is any easy way to get through it and it'll take time. I guess some people are just this way and having a disease like RSD chucked into the mix certainly doesn't help!! I was told by my doctor that I was Type A also and read that most people that have that personality are like that.

I'm SO happy that you might have found a nice boy and REALLY hope everything works out well for you! You deserve some hapiness in your life after everything you have been through and someone to take care of you for a change!! I'm keeping everything crossed that it works out well!

Take care hun and hope to talk to you soon!


jeisea said...

When life changing things happent to us it requires a change in our lives (temporarly) to cope. Having chronic pain (especially crps) is a bit like ptsd. Your threshold for tollerance is raised. Instead of eg 20 things you can do before overwhelmed it is 10 or 5. Acceptance of what has happened will help. I know I was in a state of disbelief, getting on with my life as if nothing was wrong and drowning for a long time. Once you accept that things are different, take time out and plan (with help from therapist?)and pace yourself then you will feel in control. Good nutrition should be part of your plan. If time take a look at some of my posts on antioxidants and the oxygen view of pain.
Above all, love you and take care of you.

Tough Cookie said...

You know how I feel on this topics about the "lazy" and food issues from our e-mails, and I hope you got the latest email I sent begging you to change therapists. Let me know the updates and how you are feeling. I am sending you prayers, sweet girl.