I went out last night, with a few close friends to go bowling.

Before we started I was shaking so bad I thought my knees would buckle-and this was socialising with close friends! It did get better though and I had lots of fun, we all did as they are highly competitive in a fun way. The highlight of the night was watching the Mum of the evening, jump in the air when she got a strike and subsequently the reaction when she came up beating us all!

I am no good at bowling (I think that was part of my anxiety in the beginning) but mixed in with many gutterballs I did manage a score of 9 once and a few respectable bowls.

It was really nice being part of the group, despite slipping a couple of times due to the slippery shoes and floor but I can handle a few bruises.
What made me feel bad though was how sick I felt when we went to their house for 'coffee' afterwards, I felt so ill and this really makes me conscious that I'm must be a downer, instead of looking like I'm enjoying myself I'm sat in a corner on the floor (because if I do fall I cant fall far) hoping that I dont puke. I wish I would feel better. I have been trying so hard to eat but everytime I eat a little bit more I feel so bad I wonder why I even bothered.
But this is a problem...I tried on my dress for the upcoming ball and discover that what fitted perfectly in February now hangs off me so much that we cant tuck it at all to make it passable. I do have something else that I can wear instead but thats not the point. The point is I now think I understand what everyone is going on about. I am trying-I promise...its just harder than you think and with that comes guilt about whats going on and my lack of understanding as to why and why me?
I went to the dr and he explained that they were having trouble deciding what would be best for me since I am so 'complex' (how I hate that word sometimes), and I dont fit into their little boxes but we have a semi plan, fingers crossed it doesnt fall through like the last 2 plans he had lol.
If only I could control the nausea then this wouldnt be so hard.

4 comments:

Dave Schultz said...

Felicia,
I haven't checked in with you for awhile, although I still read everytime you write. And I'm still pulling for you - you're a lovely young woman which so much to offer the world. Don't get discouraged; keep believing in yourself and remember the inspiration you are to people the world over who follow your story.
Best wishes, Dave

Lisa Moon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa Moon said...

Hey, hon. SOOO glad you went out, despite pain and such. I'm glad to hear you're trying and somehow I can't help but worry that there's something medical causing the ongoing nausea. I just wish I had better ideas as to what.

Dave makes excellent points! You are indeed an inspiration, very much to me and many others. THAT is something to be proud of!

Best of all, you're a wonderful, amazing person who deserves the best the world has to offer. I'll be here cheering while you go out and acheive this!

LOVE you (think of you as my lil' NZ sister!) :)
<3 <3 <3

Lisa Moon said...

Oh, I didn't know if I deleted a post to correct it that it would show that I deleted it, lol. Just me making a correction, FYI...