"Take it easy"

That is what I have been advised to do, I wonder if he thinks I will?

I went to my follow up appointment with the orthopaedic surgeons and it went how I expected it would. Just see how things go and everything should be fine soon. I'm not too fussed on the young registrar's idea of a neuro examination, he said the strength in my legs was fine and I know very well they are weak but that's nothing to get hooked up on.

He tried to get me to stand on my right foot barefoot and only when I proved I couldn't did he come round and help me out. I'm sure I may have in my write up "difficult to assess due to inability to comply with examination" but in all honesty how am I supposed to walk on my heals and then my toes in barefeet when I displayed that I could hardly walk let alone be fancy about it.
All visible bruising has gone but I am still very tender and walking, sitting etc are still quite painful as well as still having the horrible feeling of wetness.
The verdict was that I probably bruised the hell out of everything and it will take a few weeks to settle down but I am assured it will soon. But if things start to get worse I'm to go back and see them as they want to keep an eye on me.

I'm still getting over just how nice everyone is being to me, the nurses, the doctors, even the consultant asked me how I was on my way out. I'm so used to having to justify myself that I cant believe how caring they can be in the public system. So now all I do is wait and hope that they are right and things settle down soon-fingers crossed.

A little pep talk...

So maybe I was too hasty in the harsh judgment of my performance the other day...
...but then maybe this is the upside of being overly harsh-a surprise when the grades come back?

I knew grades were out before I got home but I decided to cook dinner before checking them, I told myself I didn't want to know how badly I did anyway. Ever since Tuesday I had been taking turns picking my performance to pieces and then trying to forget it even happened and it wasn't helping at all.

So imagine my surprise to find out I had passed both the neuro and the musculo practicals!

I got 55% in musculoskeletal, the one I thought I had totally messed up and didn't deserve any grade and then I looked down and couldn't believe my eyes...100% for neuro!
I am so happy (once I stopped telling myself they had felt sorry for me) that I did so well and with the combined grade I did better than average.

I CAN do this, even though it is tough, even though I have my rough days, even though I sometimes doubt myself...I am strong, I AM going to get through and I am going to be proud of my achievements against all odds.

My OT came to see me today and he reminded me not to compare with the past and to celebrate how much an achievement it is in itself to have passed and that its amazing that I am doing so well surviving the stressful parts. He said to look ahead to the future with confidence that I can do what I set out to achieve, and you know what?

I think he may just be right...

Chop...

So after my pathetic performance I decided to do something nice, something big to take my mind off things...I got my hair cut (and before you ask to see it Jess, I have taken photos just for you lol).

I have been thinking about this for awhile, I wanted to do something drastic, something that showed that I didn't care about anything but I was leaving it till after my last clinical in case things went a bit haywire.

So far I like it, I can still tie it up if I need to (I was contemplating even shorter than that) and I think it looks pretty ( so did the hairdresser and the lady waiting with the foils)...only downside is I think it makes me look younger again, something I have been trying to avoid...oh well. Tell me what you think!

Bad day

I'm not having such a great time just now, still got all the symptoms from last weeks drama and its annoying to say the least (not being able to pee when I feel I need to is rather uncomfortable, and dont even mention the feeling like I have wet myself lol).

I had a practical test this afternoon and because of all the other things happening I cannot focus on much at all and my short term memory is even worse if that is possible!
I totally screwed up the first half-I think I even invented a new name for a part of the human body and I am surprised I didn't cry right there in front of the examiner...what makes it worse though is I have been practicing and knew what I was doing, something happened that made me completely forget everything I knew right when it mattered the most.
I think I did slightly better in the next half and hope that this will bring my grade up to a hopeful pass. If not I shouldn't fret, it wasn't worth overly much and shows that I need a strategy in place for this kind of thing. I have about 3 weeks to sort myself out because final exams are that close!
Yikes!!!!

Developments...

Its been a hectic week, ended up in ED twice, had assignments due and all sorts, I'm finally feeling like I have a handle on things again. I thought I would write about one of the trips seen as it relates to my last post.

I spoke to my Mum about my fall down the stairs last week and she told me to see a doctor and get it lodged with ACC in case I had trouble down the track-which was sound advice, if you don't lodge you can have a bit of trouble getting help later.

So I went to Student Health, explained to the receptionist and she put me in with a nurse right there and then and the nurse would decide where to go from there.
Explained to nurse, that I just wanted to get it lodged with ACC but she said I needed to get checked out by a doctor and she had a free space in 15min so I should stay because the next free one wasn't till the next week (Student Health are terrible as far as trying to see a doc quickly most of the time).
I waited as the doctor was running late and I worried about being late for my anatomy lab but that was the least of my worries!

I got in to see the doc and explained yet again, why I was there, that I'd had this fall, had these strange symptoms and just wanted to get it on ACC. This is when the fun started...

Neuro symptoms require Neuro examinations (dont you just love these? especially when you have rsd) so it was time to go through fine touch and pain sensation and reflexes. Surprise surprise I had positive results in all three tests ( and more than just your usual rsd altered results) so this made things tricky.
She then cancelled all her other patients who were after me (I felt rather bad actually) and tells me sit tight while she rings the Ortho registrar at the hospital...I'm thinking now how late I am going to be for my lab and will I have enough time to get it all done.

After her talk with the registrar she explains that they think I possibly have Cauda Equina syndrome (dangerous compression of the nerve endings at the base of the spinal cord) and that I need to have another test done and it will either have to be done by her or at the hospital by 'person unknown'. So I reluctantly take up her offer and let her do the couple of other tests (I wont go into it here, but I had some other symptoms too) which also picked up positive signs (boy was I mad about that).
After that she had to sit down and write everything in a letter for me to take to the ED and advised me to go straight there and take a taxi-its 2 blocks down the road from Student Health and I was supposed to be doing a lab!...she dryly stated that she didnt think I would be getting much work done that night!

I walked to the hospital (after a small detour across the road to the dissection room but dont tell her) and checked in and sat down to wait. It was so so busy I felt like going and doing my lab while I waited but by that time there wasn't enough time left so I thought it was best to leave it. After not much time my name was called-I was amazed how quick I was called as there were so many patients and I could see how serious some of them were.

Now a subjective and all the neuro tests start again, first by med students who were very surprised at my lack of ablility to tollerate them on my rsd side and my lack of feeling on my other lol. Next the doctor under the registrar comes in and we go over it all again but more through and with added tests and I confuse him in places but we sort it out in the end lol.

Then his boss the registrar comes in, he just listens to his younger doctor and I make sure it is correct. He then does yet another neuro exam (without the test the student health doc did) says he doesnt think it will be Cauda Equina Syndrome as some of my symptoms dont fit. Which was my thoughts exactly, thats why I never went to the doctor in the beginning-I couldn't make all the weird things fit together and I didnt want to waste their time.

He then explained that I wasn't wasting their time, that this was very serious and even if it turned out to be ok, we needed to check it out. He then went to ring and talk to his boss the consultant! He suspected that I would be allowed to just go home but had to make sure.
He comes back and says that I am not allowed home until I have the test the student health doc did again, apparently since I had positive findings picked up, they need to redo the test to make sure...I was so not wanting to go through that again. But I knew I had a moral obligation to myself to let them complete their tests and he did say I could go once it had been done so I agreed, among other findings, I have loss of sensation in the complete saddle area-the area I keep feeling wet in.

Next thing I here is "I owe my boss a coffee, he was right" and I dont know what to think, all I want to do is go home and get something to eat (its past 9pm by this stage and I havent had anything since lunch).
DR registrar says it was good to do them again as he got the same result as the Student Health doc and now needs to ring his boss again to see whether they want to to an MRI that night or wait till the morning (if they did it then, they would have to call someone in to perform it...), his consultant says he wants the MRI done now and not wait till morning so they call up a tech to come in. I feel so bad about taking up so much of their time because I am sure that I am fine and they are wasting time and money on me. Next thing that happens while we wait for the MRI to be ready, they start sticking IVs in me, to get bloods and ready just incase I need surgery! By this time I'm just starting to freak out slightly and wishing I never went to the doctors in the first place. After they had got the lines in, I'm shipped off to x-ray and then up to the MRI suite. It took less than half an hour from when the call was made to when they were ready for me, I have never had such fast service in the ED before! I kept being told how lucky I was to get an x-ray so quick as people were lining the corridors waiting for all sorts of things and here was I getting star treatment.
The MRI was clear for any compression, I felt so relieved about that (and even more bad that they had spent so much time with me) so no surgery needed and I was finally allowed to go home. Again the registrar assures me how important it is to investigate these things as you can be left with permanent damage and I was told not to be so appologetic. They are not sure what is causing all my mysterious symptoms so have given me a follow up appointment for next Friday and I can keep it if I want. I certainly found out just how big a 'red flag' the 'cord signs' are we are taught about are, but I'm not sure this is the way to learn things lol!

I'm not sure as yet if I will keep the appointment, I'm still having the symptoms just as bad but will wait and see a bit closer to next Friday before I decide.

Nothing like a bit of excitement though!

Symptoms...

So "one of my numerous falls" last week has created additional, well I suppose I call them 'additional question marks'. They are things I'm not too sure if I should be concerned about or whether just to wait for them to get better and go away...

I fell down the hard med library stairs because silly me let someone else use the handrail. I am starting to wonder if I am ever going to learn or if I am just going to continue doing this till well till I cant do stairs anymore.

I have an amazing bruise over my ischial tuberosity, looks just like I have drawn with purple and black vivid on myself, I haven't seen such an intense colour in a bruise for a very long time-what a shame its in a place I cant show it off. Down side is, I am having a hard time sitting, walking, turning over in bed and bending down to do things, stretching and pressure are big no no's and creating their own set of problems.

And the next thing is rather disconcerting (and embarrassing too)...everytime I have been sitting down and go to get up, I feel like I am all wet, you know like I have wet my pants or something! Honestly I haven't, but it feels horrible and I have to keep checking to make sure it's not real as it feels so weird. I'm not sure what to do about this if anything, I guess it will come right, its signs of nerve involvement of some kind I suspect but whether its something I need to get checked out, I have no idea!

Things are certainly fun at the moment and thats for real.

World Physio Day 08-09-08 Active-for Life!

One of our most important roles is to encourage people in pain and afraid of moving, to become active.
We do this by teaching how important keeping active is, education is an amazing thing and once someone knows how important it is to do something and how it may benefit them, they are more inclined to try. Also we may need to help them get over their fear, fear avoidance is such a big thing and largely unconscious driven so it is particularly hard to retrain ones thinking in regard to keeping active when it may not be so easy. Having a person with appropriate knowledge guiding your rehab and providing reassurance has a lot to do with creating a positive outcome.

For people in chronic pain this is especially important, we tend to forget how important it is to keep going when all we feel like doing is staying in bed, but the extra effort we put into being active goes a long way in keeping us as healthy as we can be.
Motivation in this situation can help tremendously and as a physio to be, I look at this trait as one of the cornerstone attributes a physio must have and something I must never forget to use, I keep this alive and healthy by using it on myself everyday to get out of bed and start the day!

Keeping active makes for healthy lives and happy people who are able to be an active contributing participant in our society.

Lets be Active-for Life!

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Last weekend was the last time I will see my best friend for probably a good 2 years :(
She is flying out to London 3 days before my final exam so I am going to miss catching her before she goes and I am sad.
But instead of dwelling on that thought, we spent our last day watching movies (and sharing tears over some parts) and then going out to dinner at a nice place that does good deserts (I've always been a sweets person). The last time we went there together was just before she flew out to Japan for a 6 month period and it has now become our restaurant of choice for such occasions.
We have been best friends for a long time and even though our paths are so different now, we are still there for each other and even though sometimes the communication is a bit dodgy (I find it hard to find the time to call etc and half the time when I do she is out!) we know we can always count on each other just as we always have done.

I am going to miss her, infact-in a way I already do and she is still in the country and I think that has had an impact on this weeks pain levels. Once I get over the grief I feel just now I think I will start to get back on my feet but for now I am accepting that emotions have an effect on our pain levels.

These are some of our (ok...my) crazy photo poses from our last night...

Gentle Reminder...

Today I was reminded that the world is still full of goodness. How did I ever think for a second that giving up was an option?

I bought a new pretty top with some money I got given for my birthday way back (its a cute summer top I've been looking at for ages and they finally had a sale).

I spent a rewarding morning in a rest home with patients who at age over 85 are still full of life and an inspiration to anyone wondering whether to keep pushing on.

And I have been honoured with the offer of becoming a God mother! A wee baby is on the way and I am the luckiest person in the world and feel so humbled that I have been given the honour of becoming another precious baby's God mother.
Baby is only 10 weeks, due end of March so I have plenty of time to prepare some special gifts and watch over Mum to be. We had just recently started aqua fitness classes together and these are especially good for expectant mothers so I am going to make sure we continue going as it will be so good for her.

How could I have ever doubted my life and thought I was not worthy? I was beginning to loose all my confidence and self worth but now I feel like I mean something, that I am important and can make a difference-God bless life!

It keeps getting better...

So today somehow things kept getting worse, for some reason I am not coping with the pain at all and it frustrates me that I am not able to cope when I think I should be able to. I have tried so many things this week, deep breathing, thinking of other things, moving, nothing seems to work and I'm not sleeping which doesn't help either.

After one of my numerous falls this week I have stuffed the lead of my TENS machine and it stops working as soon as I put it in my pocket. This has had a huge impact on my pain coping strategies and not helping at all. Why does life have to be so hard? Is it not hard enough already?

I ended up in tears (yet again-I lost count today) in one of my lab tutors offices. She was lovely, TENS are her thing and she knew just what to do, rang a place to help me order a new lead (will take 2-3 days to arrive) and set me up with a temporary one that is not as good as mine but hopefully will be better than nothing.

I went to lab after having calmed down a bit but I had such a headache and couldnt focus on the complexities of the shoulder joint, hopefully tomorrow I will be able to concentrate better.
One of my friends kept accidentally kicking my foot under the table and every time she did I jumped and cried out in pain, it just wasn't my day!

All I can hope for is that I sleep tonight and am able to get through my clinical placement in the morning, I am dreading it as I have to disclose my "risk of falling" and I really dont feel very comfortable with how to do it without making it a big deal. Why does life have to be so complicated?

Not a good start...

First day back at uni and things weren't going so well.

I couldn't wear the pair of shoes I was going to wear, luckily another pair felt marginally better.

I left important information that I had specifically searched for behind at home-second bad thing.

I couldn't sit still in class this whole morning and had to remove the offending shoe as soon as I sat down.

By the time physio balance program appointment came around I was limping badly...

I freaking FELL OVER during the first 5 minutes of physio (so maybe I should be more honest about pain from now on...)

That was the end, tears poured forth and life was temporarily not worth living.
I was in so much pain I was useless and so frustrated that I was wasting a whole physio session.

Lovely physio came to the rescue...she found me a mirror so I could "compose" myself (no I am not vain, it was to do some mirroring to calm the pain down a bit) and then we rescheduled for in two weeks time, this time a morning appointment so should hopefully fare better.

I came home early as we don't have specific labs this week and I was not able to think about the assignment I was supposed to be getting on with.

Day starts to get better....

I get a letter in the post from my med student friend with a special gift : )

I get to chat with a friend in the States who also has RSD and we talk about random things to take my mind off everything, sometimes all we need to do is be able to talk to someone who understands without feeling guilty that we are forever complaining.

Oh the joys of life