How come people have the right to add to the stress I already live with on a day to day basis?

Its useless trying to make them understand what its like for me, they cant understand as they have no perception of what it takes to get out of bed and make it to an 8am lecture, what it takes to make it to the 5pm end of the day. I know everyone has trouble getting up for 8am but waking up every morning exhausted, in intense pain, half blind and with a pretty visible tremor that takes a good half hour to settle is not normal, well it is for me but I dont think it is for most people.

Add to that physical and emotional stress and you start to falter, start to lose faith in your abilities to cope with the outside world and try to hide even more. I have been told pretty firmly (by 2 different professionals) that I NEED to get my act together and go back to counselling so I know I need to, I just feel like even that is one thing too much at the moment. I know it is going to be hard and I just dont know if I have enough in me to deal with everything around me and cope with that too...why does life seem so darn complicated?

I had my first day at placement where I did not feel I could handle patients, I hadn't slept all night except for half an hour (I messed up my meds and my whole body was burning hot and sweating all night) and feel extremely dizzy and nauseous. I was so disappointed in myself despite the fact I couldnt really do anything about it. Luckily I didn't have my own patients to treat, I was just supposed to be assistant for my classmate so I just asked one of the other girls to help when it came to balance assistance.

I had my midway personal assessment and I feel much more comfortable with the clinical educator after the first week so yesterday morning I basically said that I suffered the same 3 'invisible' symptoms she talked about for MS and that everything was undercontrol as far as the Associate Dean was concerned. I said she could trust me that I wouldn't put anyone in danger but I still felt disappointed, I was hoping to get through the first placement fine. I even had to leave a tutorial half way through to nap for an hour so I could make it to the end of the day. I think I need to figure out a better strategy to help me get through the days when I have no breaks but lunch time, something I think I will got back to my student advisor to talk about.

I wish I could snap my fingers and all my worries would disappear, it sounds so much easier...can I really do this? am I doing the right thing?


Tough Cookie said...

Amen, baby girl. My fiance and I just broke up... I'm on the same page with you right now...

Lisa Moon said...

Felicia, I think you know what you need to do, but dislike having to do it. I GET THAT. As I said to you before, the RIGHT counsellor can REALLY help with relieving the stress, work on coping techniques, etc... and also help you by supporting your self-advocacy with your school to make things more manageable for you.

It is possible to rearrange or lessen the course load at all? It might make your total time in school a bit longer, but might WELL be worth it in terms of your health.

I did the same thing with my meds this morning; my nice new bed was SO comfy I slept in... right past the 'window' of time that I NEED to take my morning meds.. OR ELSE.

Between the Lyrica (pregabalin) and the Zytram (tramadol) it's a pretty harsh crash when they wear right off. I, too, feel all sweaty, fevery, delirious; my skin crawls all over and I feel like I could jump right out of it... UGH, it's HORRIBLE. Yes, it makes me feel nauseous, too.

I believe that this is a combo of the 'withdrawal' of these much-needed meds from our system PLUS the WHACK of pain that the meds are to reduce coming and hitting us like a brick wall!

What I'm trying to say is that I DO empathise and understand, my dear. I'm so sorry things are so hard right now.

I also feel like there are some good things just around the corner for you - with school and life in general. I'll pray it comes for you swiftly and in the most pleasant of ways.

Much love,


Caf said...

Oh I know how frustrating it is!! We fight so hard to keep up with the simplest things that having extra stress on top of that just seems like way too much pressure! It sucks that CRPS is so darn fickle, makes it harder for 'normals' to understand and accomodate what is going on with us...I'll keep fighting if you do ;)
Finally catching up on my blog reading, hoping i'll find a happier post as I move up yours...Hugs to you xoxox