Often times I try to gloss over the hard parts of living with chronic pain, well what good does it do me dwelling on it anyway? Or what good does it do anybody else? But recently I found out that in order to start feeling good once again (really good), I actually needed to get right down to the bottom have my pity party and then arise a new, ready to begin again on the right level and remind myself that I actually do have good days when I can compare them to the not so good times.

Bad days are ok, as long as you have good days too, as long as they re-focus you, and you don’t get caught up in the rotten feeling too long and forget that there is a reason to be alive.
There are many feelings that come over a person who lives in pain day in day out…

Frustration-at what you can’t do, at how others treat you, at the cognitive issues, being at the mercy of drugs you would much rather not take, at the abilities you used to be able to do and now have so much trouble with

Anger-at the Dr’s for not being able to help more, at yourself (what did I do to deserve this), just because you have all these dark feelings, because you cant make yourself do something just because you want to

Helplessness-that you have no power over what is happening, that despite what you do it has a mind of its own

Hopelessness-that you have no future, that nothing will change for the better, that there is nothing to look forward to

Loss of self worth-that because of the changes you are now of no worth to anybody, no-one will love you

Fear-of the unknown, of tomorrow, of next week, of next year…of a new procedure, a new drug

These are all very real feelings and the list goes on, things I’m sure we all go through at some point or another.
I am not ashamed to say that I cry, sometimes more of the day than not…I need to do this but these days are few.

But just because we have these feelings doesn’t mean we are incapable of feeling happy, excited, fulfilled, or lose the ability to smile and laugh and have fun - it just means we are human and sometimes this is an important thing to step back and remind ourselves of…we are human first and it is natural to think and feel everything we do and is not a moment of weakness or something to be ashamed of but just another natural part of being alive and it shows that yes we are human!


RSDsux said...

Felicia, I couldn't have said it better myself!! Everything that you said is exactly how I feel on a daily basis!!

I often feel upset, scared, alone, anxious, frustrated etc etc and I think it is all normal - if we didn't feel like this from one time to another, I think we would all have some serious mental health issues that need addressing!!

I often allow myself time to have a pity-party and to let things out and more often than not, I feel a lot better for it but once I have let things out, I think about all of the good things that I have in my life and think that things could always be SO much worse!! I may not be able to do some things that I want to do but there are things that I can do if I put my mind to it and often the things I can do, outweigh the things I can't do!

Thank you so much for posting this - it made a lot of sense to me and i'm sure it did to others!

Love you!

Lisa Moon said...

I think you are quite right; we can't expect to heal the mental pain until we can allow ourselves to express that pain, rather than, as you put it, glossing over it. I believe we ALL do that and a LOT, or people would be shocked and overwhelmed with what we go through.

And it's very interesting to me that, especially as women, we seem to be cultured/conditioned to act as if everything is fine, even when it's not. To not express anger, resentment or any other 'negative' and somehow 'unfeminine' emotions!

We are indeed human and must remind ourselves that our feelings are real, they are ours, and no one can say 'oh, but you don't feel like ____!" Yes, we do, actually!

I have found someone I'm working on some of my feelings with and have found it to be very helpful to have a non-friend whom I can talk to, just about me, and have my feelings validated and to not have to hide ones which seem less 'pleasant'.

However, I had to recognise the first counsellor I was matched with would NOT be someone I could share myself easily with and be able to tell the counselling centre that I needed to be rematched (it is a community counselling centre; turned out the first match was someone who worked in my high school and I felt a little awkward at the previous association).

Some counsellors should really not be allowed to practice and sadly, it is up to us as consumers to be aware and be able to speak up if we do not feel comfortable with the person or their proposed course of 'treatment' - whether doctor or counsellor or whatever.

Good for you for honouring your feelings, Felicia. I think it's good to get those sad feelings out to allow room for the good ones.

Much love,