Home on 'break'...

I got asked the other day if I was home on break or home because of the break lol! Technically I'm home on break but if it hadn't conveniently been a scheduled uni break I may have had to take time off anyway.
The OT has been persistent in reminding that the shaken brain deserves time to heal and that not giving it what it needs now may come back and bite me in the back so to speak.
Also with all the things going on with me recently I was told (rather bluntly) that if I dont take care of myself just now I am going to crash and be back here next year redoing the whole year again. And as my disability support lady said to me I've been through a lot in the last 2 years that to crash and fu*k up in the last 6 weeks of this year is not something she is going to let happen. Ummm so I think I heard that message loud and clear lol.

Wrist is confirmed as a definite fracture, and a total of 6 weeks casted is required-not a happy thought and currently driving me insane. I got a bright pink one cos its girly and I can scare people :) so far though, most people like it!

I cant write, cant cut things with a knife, cant wash, rinse properly or put my hair up. Its just completely awkward, dont get me wrong I'm not complaining but its certainly creating a lot of situations where I have to work out a way to get around the immobilised wrist. Also means I cant ride my scooter to uni so now I have to get up earlier in order to catch a bus into town and am at the mercy of their timetables. Last week I waited over an hour (in the dark sitting on the pavement) for a bus to get me home and still have to walk a couple of blocks before I am truly home. Its just so much more exhausting and I am going to have to do this for at least a month if not more. It also costs a lot more than petrol too, $25/week rather than $5-6/week.

The mirror is coming out daily, its the only thing that helps with the uncomfortable pain that has come with the new cast. At times all I want to do is rip it off!But for now I'm enjoying my week off, catching up on sleep, getting over a bad cold, relaxing, seeing friends and just being lazy...as well as working on my eating plan.

"CRPS won this week"

That is a quote from a text Jo sent me yesterday...CRPS has certainly had the upper hand this week, but have we given up? I think not!

Poor Jo had a nasty fall on Tuesday afternoon and I am still worried about whether she did some serious damage to her back when she fell on the concrete but I am hoping that it will settle down soon as long as she takes it easy. She didn't have a nice time in ED which is worrying when they do not take someone in pain seriously. Please say a few prayers that she will bounce back to feeling better really soon. I feel bad cos I would like to be able to help her out and make things easier for her but I cant.

Another of our friends (who also has crps) is having a rough time at work and it is not helping the situation. I think by Friday it became too much to handle so a few prayers for her would also be much appreciated. That her work situation settles down soon and that things are made easier to handle for her. Its bad enough the stress of working full time without people having personal vendettas against you.

And as for me, I followed in Jo's footsteps.
I had a fight with a judder bar (speed bump or whatever you call them) on a down hill driveway. It won...
Apparently I looked like I was doing a stunt double or something. I was walking down the driveway to the entrance of the rest home where I was on clinical placement and lost sense of my leg and tripped over the judder bar and fell down the bank thing. Lost consciousness for a minute or so. Apparently I was not keen to go to hospital but the RN who was checking me over decided it was necessary. I spent more than the minimum observation time because I was still pretty out of it 4 hours later so I was told. My dr and nurse were absolutely lovely though, it makes being in hospital so much nicer when you are treated well. I have holes in my very expensive clinical trousers, plenty of bruises and a few scrapes, concussion and apparently fractured the distal styloid process of the radius on my dominant hand.
Now the dr did say that she thought she could see 2 cracks in it so I'm hoping that when I go to my fracture clinic appointment that they will say it was all a mistake and not fractured afterall-I can always hope right?

I got rung up by the Occupational Therapist yesterday, she is concerned because I have concussion symptoms and am not taking time off. I dont have time to just now because I have a presentation to do on Monday etc, but I am going to have to monitor how I'm feeling and might just have to do as I'm told. She made some good points that if I push through things now and dont let my brain heal that I will make things worse and wont be able to do anything and be out of action longer. I am taking it a bit easy this weekend hoping that will be enough...

An exercise in human observation...

Which involved dressing up first...

Now we are ready for the proper photos...
At the ball...Discussing the interesting display of human behaviour...

What we were thinking of doing part way through the night (Jo regretted her heels) and couldnt get in the door fast enough when we got home lol!

Feet up on the couch...ahh that feels so much better (and then we had trouble getting up again and putting ourselves to bed)

It was fun dressing up and making the effort to go to the ball, but I felt much happier knowing I had Jo to stand beside. We had an interesting evening watching people drink themselves stupid, being kicked out by security for dangerous behaviour.
Frankly drunk people scare me! They are people I know, work with, are friends with but when they are drunk they are positively scary. In your face, hyper and they dont even remember anything afterwards. Why would you pay so much and then drink yourself to the point of nothing.

I was embarrassed actually, this was a large group of future health professionals acting very unprofessionally but that is the student culture at my university. Something I am not a part of.

But apart from that, we danced a little and chatted to people who weren't drinking into oblivion and enjoyed ourselves (I think-did we Jo?) but it was nice to go home afterward and chat in the quiet of Jo's house.
We both suffered the effects the next day (and the next and still...) Jo really overdid it having spent the day of the ball motobiking in a boggy field or two! But to dress up and be girly it was worth it.

Bowling can really shake a girl up

I went out last night, with a few close friends to go bowling.

Before we started I was shaking so bad I thought my knees would buckle-and this was socialising with close friends! It did get better though and I had lots of fun, we all did as they are highly competitive in a fun way. The highlight of the night was watching the Mum of the evening, jump in the air when she got a strike and subsequently the reaction when she came up beating us all!

I am no good at bowling (I think that was part of my anxiety in the beginning) but mixed in with many gutterballs I did manage a score of 9 once and a few respectable bowls.

It was really nice being part of the group, despite slipping a couple of times due to the slippery shoes and floor but I can handle a few bruises.
What made me feel bad though was how sick I felt when we went to their house for 'coffee' afterwards, I felt so ill and this really makes me conscious that I'm must be a downer, instead of looking like I'm enjoying myself I'm sat in a corner on the floor (because if I do fall I cant fall far) hoping that I dont puke. I wish I would feel better. I have been trying so hard to eat but everytime I eat a little bit more I feel so bad I wonder why I even bothered.
But this is a problem...I tried on my dress for the upcoming ball and discover that what fitted perfectly in February now hangs off me so much that we cant tuck it at all to make it passable. I do have something else that I can wear instead but thats not the point. The point is I now think I understand what everyone is going on about. I am trying-I promise...its just harder than you think and with that comes guilt about whats going on and my lack of understanding as to why and why me?
I went to the dr and he explained that they were having trouble deciding what would be best for me since I am so 'complex' (how I hate that word sometimes), and I dont fit into their little boxes but we have a semi plan, fingers crossed it doesnt fall through like the last 2 plans he had lol.
If only I could control the nausea then this wouldnt be so hard.

When it all feels too hard...

...its time to step up to the challange.

Things have been really weird lately, in many directions. I just want to start over and try harder but you cant do that in real life. I'm making bad choices and they are having a ripple effect and then all I do is make more bad choices.

I cant be bothered and am lazy apparently, and that really hurt to hear. I dont go out and socialise because I feel so out of place and uncomfortable (and because I'm so tired and in pain by the end of the day)-not because I cant be bothered!
So because this was said to me, I am now proving the statement wrong; I went for 2 walks on the beach this week, to ballet, and to aquafitness class (which includes a walk up and down a hill to the pool) as well as all my scheduled classes and then extra group meet ups. I am not lazy, I'm just scared of socialising and feel really self conscious when I dont have something specific to be doing.

I went to a party the other week, the girl who's birthday it was is really nice and I knew that I wouldn't feel pressured into anything. I almost didnt go at the last minute cos I felt really ill but I'm glad I went-I really enjoyed myself (and may have met a really nice boy so watch this space).

I find it really hard to put myself in positions where I'm not in control of the situation, socialising is not something you can control. I dont know what to talk about, I hate standing up and I dont drink (which is a big part of the student culture here). I dont know how to relax and just want to hide. I think its cos I feel so different and I dont get included in things that much, I feel like people are just putting up with me and I dont like forcing myself on them. I worry too much about other people and what they are thinking. I need a security blanket of some kind or someone to hide behind, I wish I was more outgoing.

But yesterday the girl who's party it was told me I had to go to more, that they were so surprised that I went and really happy I did make the effort. She posted some photos with me in on facebook and I am learning that people really do actually like me. So now I just have to try and loose my inhibitions a bit and make more effort because I resent being told I am just lazy.

There is more stuff going on, uni this semester is even more full on if that is possible and I dont think I have a great handle on exactly what is going on. I'm keeping up with classes but very behind in study, once I get my head around the timetable better I think I will settle into a better routine. But I've already started telling myself I havent done enough and need to really do way more work...I hate being type A

And I'm having a battle with eating...loosing weight I really shouldnt be, and dont seem to be able to snap out of whatever mindset I'm in that is saying its ok cos I'm feeling better this way. I getting through the day better this way why would I want to change? I know why, I'm just chosing not to

Bad choices, my life is full of them right now.

On the outside I'm fine, ever capable, reliable, smiling even (just a little thin)...

On the inside, I dont really know...