Looking back...

Hip surgery 3 years on...

Its hard to believe it was 3 years ago today I had my surgery, 3 years is not that long but seems like forever when I think about what has taken place since. And now my open hip surgery for labral pathology and FAI has now become an arthroscopic procedure that my surgeon performs (and Jess knows that only too well lol).

I can still remember waking up early that morning and eating fruit salad for breakfast before my NPO status started, still remember the butterfly feeling being driven to the hospital and all the nurses questions and conversation and everything, still remember my relief when my surgeon assured me I wouldnt need a catheter (though this turn out to be false hope lol)...I think the whole thing made quite an impression on me-it was after all my first ever surgery and was a big deal.
Back then I had goals that included things as simple as being able to tie my own shoe laces again and cut my toenails myself, and slighter harder ones that included being able to walk and then finally run. I celebrated the day I could put my socks on, shoes on, tie my laces, paint my toenails, walk without any crutches (finally), dance, ride my bicycle and a whole heap of other things too but one thing I have never really got on board is the running thing-and for a while now I've kinda thought of it as not important anymore. CRPS has kinda changed priorities in that regard.

But 3 years on, my hip is pretty damn good. It flexes (sometimes past 90 degrees if I work on it...yes yes I know bad bad physio student), it externally rotates to the envy of all in my little ballet class, and its not the body part limiting my walking any more lol. And gasp gasp, in just the last few days I've finally been able to lay on that side without it protesting (but to be truthful I think that is more limited by the crps pain from the incision site).
Its been an interesting teaching tool for my classmates at times due to the limited range and grinding sounds it makes and if the last imaging I had done is anything to go by I'm headed for an early hip replacement. But I dont care lol, at least I'm walking now and apart from the bolts of pain I get from stupid positions... its perfect...

So I think I'm going to say "Happy birthday" born again hip!

When the price for not doing is greater than the price for doing

I've been working on this post off and on few a few weeks but now have hopefully finished it, I dont think its as good as I wanted it to be but I hope it makes sense despite that...

When the price for not doing is greater than the price for doing...

And that is a force to be reckoned with (and sometimes it needs to be).

What I’m trying to say is sometimes the pain and exhaustion associated with a certain activity or thing is outweighed by the feeling of achievement you get from actually going the extra mile and pushing through. This drive is probably similar to the drive that helps amazing people do amazing things. I’m not talking about the usual situation when you push yourself every day to get out of bed, when just laying there and waiting for the world to go by is the easy way out… I’m talking about when you need something more to give you the incentive to reach harder goals…and this is where price tag logic comes in.


Have you heard of the spoon theory? Heres the link just in case…but sometimes you just say “to hell with spoons, I’m going to do it anyway” this isn’t something to be taken lightly, and isn’t something that is done on a regular basis but its something I am sure most if not all people who experience chronic pain go through at varying points in their lives.

In my head, its something like this:
Getting up in the morning-1 spoon
Going out for lunch with a friend-2 spoons
Proving you can do something you’ve been told is impossible? Priceless…you cant put a spoon value (or any other energy value) on this because the price for not doing it is greater than the price you pay for going ahead and doing what you set out to do.

You will pay in many ways later and sometime dearly, but that price is worth the feeling of ‘normal’/’take that’/yes I CAN still…etc I hope you get the picture...

This is what has got me through 3 years so far of physiotherapy (PT) school…and what will get me through the next year and then whatever comes next and then next… If I was wanting to let pain take over and do the whole woe is me and wanted to sulk and wallow in pain all day, would I push myself? Hell no... would I push myself knowing that I was going to ‘pay’ for it? You bet not! But everything has a price and in the chronic pain game its getting ahead with stubbornness and pigheadedness to just say ‘go to hell’ to pain and do whatever anyway. There is also this kind of desperation to look and act normal whatever the price, the consequences don’t matter, or not until they come and then you deal with them but those memories fade and you still have the ones worthy of remembering.

There are times when this logic comes in with family time, with friend time, with study, with life in general…when you have the opportunity to do something you would have done without thinking BEFORE you became a chronic pain player…only this time you have to think more than twice and roll the dice hoping that doing it anyway isn’t going to push you over the edge. Just because something falls into the priceless category doesn’t mean it doesn’t come at a cost (you just pretend it doesn’t till later), sometimes the cost is so high you set yourself back…sometimes to the point of serious heath issues and yes I have done this-more than once too...and I expect there will be times I make the decision and this will be the outcome again. But would I change the decision I made? Probably not, those kind of memories are worth more than a few days or weeks of messed up life.

I think its important to remember to push for those things that MATTER, push harder than maybe you might ordinarily and be proud of what you achieve because you are showing the true grit and strength that by believing in yourself you are capable of. You are more than pain, and can overpower it (even if what you are achieving may seem small to others...what would they know if they don't walk your in your shoes?)

So love yourself today, take pride in your achievements and think back on the times you overpowered pain and made a PRICELESS memory. Cos I'm proud of you too...

Summer break kinda crept up on me...*Surprise*

So after all that I have made it through my exams unscathed...typing saved my bacon so to speak though-without that compromise things would be a different matter entirely. I still don't know if it was enough to gain passes though-again, time will tell. Its weird (well not for me really) not sitting exams with my classmates...in fact when I think about it, over all my years of study, only one final exam have I sat in 'normal' circumstances...every other one has had either extra time, separate quiet room and then this lot a computer to type as well. I'm not ashamed that I needed extra help, just noting a fact because without this extra assistance for my written exams I have a feeling I wouldn't have made it through the way I have (although we are yet to find out if it was enough this round).

I am proud of where I'm sitting (well actually laying if you want the complete truth), I finished 3rd year of my physio degree...I made it through 3 years of tough study and though I faltered at times-I never gave up! Thats an achievement because we went from a class of 112 to 93 between 2nd and 3rd year and its not been easy on anybody.
I've had a bit of time to think recently and although I never got the grades I wanted or had set as goals, I still proved I can do this-even with pain and set backs which I am still soldiering on with. I CAN do this, I CAN push through, I DID show that despite everything I CAN do what the rest of the class can do, and I can do it well. I need to think about that and be proud of what I did achieve even if it doesn't quite match up with what I had set in my head.

I have had a few disappointing things recently, its pretty clear that I now have CRPS in my dominant hand and arm BUT knowledge is power this time round...I dont have such fear associated with symptoms like when I wasn't diagnosed in my leg. This time I knew and wasn't scared (ok I was/am pretty bummed out) of what was/ is happening. But I hate the dark extra hair already, it looks yucky to me lol and I'm not sure about the dropsy symptoms, a few broken glasses already and I cant write-which I have to fix before summer is over.
Also my knee MRI came back fine, which means, yes you guessed it...crps reaction in that too...my whole body seems to be up in revolt and crps is rearing its ugly head everywhere I have hurt by accident which is causing me to reevaluate my actions somewhat. Without noticing so much I have become way more cautious about doing stuff and I dont think thats the answer but for now I'll let it be. A little care wont go amiss.
And finally I got my DEXA scan results back which show generalised mild osteopenia which isn't technically an issue (haha) but requires that I maintain proper calcium intake (umm so yea we are working on that with the dietitian lol) and incorporate weight bearing exercise into my day.

I can just see the (physio torture) um fun I will have this summer...but summer is here and I am back home with all my accumulated belongings (what a heap you can collect up over 4 years) sad about losing some parts of my old life, but excited (and scared) to be starting a new chapter of my life and wondering just what its going to bring.

Check in for more regular updates lol, now I'm on summer break blogging will commence with more frequency :)