"Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out?"

I was semi watching a film on TV (my concentration span is fairly minimal...) and heard that quote. I really felt like it was saying something to me and I love it.

I am not pretty, or funny, or outgoing, or popular. I am not a lot of things but one thing I seem to be really good at is not being able to fit in. Its not easy being different for whatever reason (family upbringing, religion, disability etc) and I've spent my life wishing I could just fit in like everybody else. I hated being teased and picked on, being left out of games, not being accepted because I was different, and my self esteem was shattered. So I have spent my life striving to fit in, try and do what everyone else is, and fade into the background. I hated wearing different clothes, the rules my parents had, the responsibilities I had at home, you name it, if it made me different to others then I did not like it.

But no matter how hard I try to 'fit' in, I still end up being different. Having RSD has stopped me from ever being that normal person. I was trying so hard to play this year right, I ended up informing the school and keeping them updated and now I have this weird illness drag out (which has been hypothesized as rsd related), mess up my ability to just study and prepare for exams and sit them the way everybody else will be. Already I have been told to fill out special consideration for all my upcoming exams, something I was really hoping to get through this year without having to do. I wanted to prove that I could do things just the same way as everybody else and yet again I feel like I am so far behind and the only thing lef to do is claim impairment (which has been explained to me is warranted despite me thinking otherwise).

But maybe I am just not supposed to be that person who 'fits' in, and maybe, just maybe I should embrase being different and find confidence in who I am as a person and stop trying to be like everyone else.
From today I am going to make that quote my thought to remember. The thing I tell myself when I am too scared to speak up, too scared to have an opinion, too scared to stand out and be different.

Its not the people just like everyone else who gets remembered...its the ones who stand out, the ones who are different..they are the ones who get remembered.

Part 2 Give me Strength

But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles; They shall run and not be weary; They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

Strength is not how hard you try, but not giving up in the face of adversity...

Strength is what makes up pick ourselves up and carry on despite...

Strength is what lets you forgive someone when they did something that really hurt you...

Strength is what makes you take that leap when you are scared and not sure of what you are getting into...

Every time we face a new fear it makes us stronger...and teaches us more about ourselves too.

It takes strength to get up in the morning, strength to carry on when the going gets tough, strength to be you and not try and be something you aren't.

Strength is not just about how heavy you can lift or how long you can hold, but how you battle on each and every day, how you survive to make it to the next.

And I'll leave you with this quote which sums it up quite nicely I think (sorry I'm not sure who wrote it):

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Part 1 Have a little faith in me

As promised...Jo's 'Labour of love' and a reflection to go with each one. There are 5 in total that I will ramble about over the next wee while. These mean a lot to me and I know that each time I set eyes on them I will be reminded of her friendship and also of who I am, in her eyes at least.

"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say this to a Mulberry tree, 'be uprooted and planted in the sea' and it will obey you" Luke 17:6

Reminds me of that song by John Hiatt just now and I think we need to remember to have some faith in ourselves too (or at least I do).

Faith defines so much of who we are and I'm not just talking about religious faith, although that does come into being for a lot of people (including me).

Faith is being confident, trusting in something, someone. Faith is knowing, faith is believing...

Faith is what we need to hold on to, despite the world crumbing around us, despite everything we know or understand disappearing.

Faith is something dear to hold in your heart, something you know without knowing if that makes sense.

Our faith needs to be strong, to help us to see in the dark. When we need a hand to hold onto, faith reaches out.

Faith is the seed in our soul that grows into beautiful things, fills our eyes with brightness and hopefully never falters.

Faith makes all things possible, faith has no limits...

Share in my faith and shine with overflowing goodness. Stand tall and have faith in who you are, believe in yourself, each and everyone of you...as you help keep my faith strong and together we will move mountains.

I live pretend...

...and I NEED to feel in control.

I hate it when things become unpredictable, or when people see through the pretend and are nice to me. Somehow its harder to deal with genuine nice than it is to deal with being ignored. I have to pretend so much that I'm not really sure what the real me is or even if there is a real me, I got asked when I made time for 'me'...I hide in my room and there I can be me, you see the real me, the people I reach out to get glimpses of the real me (and then I feel guilty) but I try not to do it too much.

Several things have happened this week:

I got listened to by health professionals, like for real, on several occasions...
I got told to "take care of myself", and when I replied with "I'm not very good at that" she said "that's why I told you"...
I found out that my 'mask' is pretty good, even on half an hours sleep
I admitted that maybe, just maybe I have a few demons locked away that need sorting
I found out how easily I get freaked out when someone takes away my control of a situation
I made a whole room go instantly quiet (I fell off a plinth right on my SI joint but I'm sure its fine)

Its going to be a hard road ahead, one I don't want to take but I know I have to. I am seeing how my reaction to certain situations screams out how I don't feel worthy of others help, I want to help people, but I don't feel like I deserve any help myself. I cant even take compliments and that is so sad, I feel like I am wasting their time or being a bother. I also got told (once again) that I am far too hard on myself, another thing I am trying to work on but its becoming all too clear that I cant do this on my own (my immediate thought on this is how pathetic and weak and crazy that makes me-things I've been told I am not) so help here I come but just treat me gently, I'm fragile underneath all this pretend.

CRPS I hate you.

Two schools of thought...

I have always wanted to do ballet but we never had the money when I was growing up so it never happened. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said I should find out about adult beginner classes and just see if it might be possible so I did as she suggested.

I got some information back and it may be affordable, just need to do some working out.

But here is the crunch…I told my Mum.

Her first thought was “what makes you think you will be able to do ballet?”

…my reply “what makes you think I can’t?” (I didn’t actually say this out loud, instead I defended myself by saying all the things I still do, so why cant I just give ballet a go?...)

Ok so I may get there and it may be too much but how do I know if I don’t try? I’m not about to give up a childhood dream just because ‘I may not be able to do it’…when did I turn into that person? I don’t expect to be doing point or making it my career, I don’t even know if I will ever look graceful I just want to give it a go and have some fun in the process…

I just find it interesting that’s all, how different people think along different paths, it never occurred to me to think that maybe I wouldn’t be able to, I wanted to challenge myself and see if I could.

Learning

Sometimes I feel that everything gets harder the more I try,
That nothing I do will ever get me where I want to be.
I want to scream to the world that I didn’t choose this life,
I don’t want to go on forever like this; I just want to have fun like everyone else.

I look back and things used to be so easy, why did it have to all change?
I have no answer to this question but how would that help me anyway?
Half of me wants to show everyone how I feel so they know just what its like,
The other half just wants to hide it all away so no one knows,
I don’t like getting treated differently.
I wish I could just show them that I have not changed, I am still me and I have feelings.

Then I look around and I see people dealing with what life has thrown them,
Bigger obstacles than I have to deal with.
They don’t show the frustration or anger I’m sure must be a reality to them,
Instead they are here, helping me learn not to say “I can’t” or let anything get in the way of my success.
Do they still feel doubt but unlike me, have mastered the art of hiding it away like I so desperately want to be able to do?

I am starting to see now that if I had one wish it would not be to go back to how things were, I am thankful for all the lessons I have learnt and still need to learn.
There is so much I could never understand had I not been given this path.
I am slowly learning that I am tougher than I thought and that even though many things are not easy this doesn’t make them impossible.

I have started on the journey of realisation and greater understanding.
Learning is not something to be taken lightly though sometimes I wish you could learn everything out of a book.
Instead we must learn by living and by experiencing and sometimes this is harder than you might think.
Life is what you make it, not what it throws at you and I am not one to be beaten.

I am no hero, but victory is all the sweeter when you have to work hard to earn it.

A time to be thankful...

An entry on a friends blog reminded me that I have so much to be thankful for, its easy sometimes to focus on distractions and the things that create difficulties and forget how good life really is.

So I thought I would remind myself just how much I do have to be thankful for.

I have a good home and family, my parents are always making sure I never go without anything I need and make sure I even have enough to get a few things I want too. My Mum takes me to all my appointments and believe me, that takes a lot out of her day sometimes, without her I would struggle a whole lot more. My Dad got me a flight back to uni so I don't have to be tired out by a 6 hour bus ride, how great is that?

For all my wonderful loving friends who make me happy, give me encouragement and believe in me when I need reminding, they understand what I am going through and keep me going...it means so much to have you all looking after me, I can never say thank you enough.

For all the health care people who do more than their job to find you the health care you really need, without them I don't know where I would be right now. I have my special physio's and podiatrist especially to thank, they always make time to listen to my concerns and have helped me get other professionals to as well.

For the new doctor and his lovely physio who are helping me get a handle on crps. Its amazing how a little confidence in your doctor makes you feel.

For being given good brains, even after several head injuries they still work although not quite as well!

For being able to rest quietly at home these holidays, for warm enough weather to ride my bicycle, for being able to go swimming. For the new shoes I can actually wear my Mum just bought for me despite me giving up and complaining to go home a million times.

For the prospect of physio school to go back to, knowing that I survived the first semester without totally failing (well at least I don't think I did...).

For discovering that the old me is still in here somewhere, just mixed in with the new me and maybe thats the best of everything ; )

I'm sure their are a million other things I am thankful for too but just now I cant remember them...life is sure full of so many good things, how could I let anything make me forget-even for a minute?


Thank you Maria