The importance of friendship and support.

Valentines day seems a good a day as any to ramble about this, I was going to because of something that occurred yesterday but was good timing.

I often hear people talk about how once they had an accident or were diagnosed with 'whatever' and were no longer able to do all the things they used to, they ended up losing all or many of their previous friends. I can hear you all saying 'yes, that happened to me too..." Some people are even unfortunate enough to get pushed away by family as well.

Friends and family are an important part of psychological well being, they are there for support, guidance, reinforcement, motivation, nurture, trust, interdependence, sharing experience, building confidence, socialising with, heck even to argue with.

Losing friends and family is very hurtful, it affects a persons self confidence, self worth and outlook on life among other things, they can begin to feel unloved. This can have devastating consequences in some situations. Being isolated is a lonely and scary place to be, more so if you are having to adjust to a life that is different to how it had been.

Supportive friends and family help keep you focused, keep you smiling, give you something to laugh about, someone to share with. When you have suddenly lost a part of who you were, having friends keep you grounded and remember that you are still you, are priceless. Without my network of friends I wouldn't be where I am today, I wouldn't have people to turn to when things fall apart, when something didn't go to plan or when I had a bad day, they are who help me pick up the pieces. As someone with chronic pain, having friends who understand the yo-yo that occurs on a day to day basis is the difference between failure and success.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a person who has touched my life in a very special way. We don't see each other often but I know that no matter how much time in between each meeting he will always be there for me and I will always be able to count on his reliability. In fact we were talking about something and he told me that I would always be able to count on him and that he wanted me to know that he would never let me down. That meant so much to me, just to have him realise that I needed to hear it outloud because I have been hurt so many times before. He has been like a father to me in many ways, someone I can talk to and get advice from, share the silly stories that are my life without fear of being judged. I am a vulnerable person, I still have feelings and I still get hurt despite what I tell myself.

So today I just want to say thank you to each and every one of my friends, the ones who have stuck by me through thick and thin, not everyone did so you have shown the stuff of true friendship. All my new friends who I found some way or another along my journey of rediscovery, you have befriended me for who I am, not who I was and that means a lot. To each and every one of you for being there for me, through the good times and the bad, for giving me a reason to get up in the morning and not giving up on me. You have shown me the real reason of friendship, I just hope I am able to show that to you.

“In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. They keep the young out of mischief; they comfort and aid the old in their weakness, and they incite those in the prime of life to noble deeds.”-Aristotle

Christmas and tradition

In my family, Christmas is that time of year when my Mum works well into the next morning for weeks on end preparing gifts for all the people she likes to make things for. She makes Christmas puddings, Christmas cakes, Christmas fruit mince pies and all sorts. She goes shopping for presents for us all and makes lists of what she needs to do for the day itself, it is a huge extra workload.
But in among all this, she has not forgotten the meaning behind Christmas, it is not just a commercial holiday for the shops to benefit from, it is a special time of year to remember the wonder and meaning behind Christmas, a time to let your differences go and celebrate with family making time for everyone in a way that often gets lost throughout the rest of the year.
I felt frustrated and guilty many times in the preparation before Christmas this year. I did not help in the way I wanted to, the way I always used to. I wanted to help and make her load lighter but physically I was not capable and she often shooed me away off to bed or to rest because she knew and understood that my needs were greater than hers. This was the hardest Christmas for me yet, even harder than the year I had just had surgery and was on two crutches still. I don’t think it was because I didn’t make the effort, I just think I didn’t have it in me, things have got worse and I’m still drained from the year at uni.
I’m glad she understood though and even said I had done my fair share and it was time to get out of the kitchen so the boys would go in and help. I just have to accept that doing what I can is good enough and not to think about previous times.

We had a lovely day for the most (apart from a few small hiccups of lost recipes and no boys in the kitchen etc). Started the day with Christmas Mass and then home to prepare for our guests and our Christmas lunch. We had a lovely dinner with food a plenty and were still at the table talking and enjoying the company till late into the afternoon. Crackers were pulled, presents were opened, jokes were shared and the mood was merry.
I was thoroughly spoiled with many presents, my Mum always spends a lot of time deciding on what a person may like and I got some really lovely gifts because of her thoughtfulness.

I had uni friend stay for Christmas-her first, I found out she would be alone for Christmas and although she doesn’t celebrate it I didn’t want her to be alone for the holiday. I think she enjoyed her time with us and it really helped keep me busy (although I found it hard work) so that I didn’t spend time missing my best friend too much. We are very close and with her having just moved to London I am rather lonely at times as I miss her so much. My uni friend helped me decorate my room, and wrap presents and it was nice giving her gifts and a Christmas stocking and including her as part of the family.

I’m glad we still remember what Christmas is all about despite the tone of this time of year. Despite the stress it creates we are still able to find enjoyment and take time to remember its more than just food and presents, it’s a special birthday celebration that we must never forget.

Grant me patience...

Why does the boy (brother number 3 of 5) decide to turn up his music (so called) just when I get in to bed needing to get some sleep?

Honestly I thought we were having an earthquake just now as my room is shaking! Brothers-no thought about anyone else at this hour of the night and its happening regularly.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Last weekend was the last time I will see my best friend for probably a good 2 years :(
She is flying out to London 3 days before my final exam so I am going to miss catching her before she goes and I am sad.
But instead of dwelling on that thought, we spent our last day watching movies (and sharing tears over some parts) and then going out to dinner at a nice place that does good deserts (I've always been a sweets person). The last time we went there together was just before she flew out to Japan for a 6 month period and it has now become our restaurant of choice for such occasions.
We have been best friends for a long time and even though our paths are so different now, we are still there for each other and even though sometimes the communication is a bit dodgy (I find it hard to find the time to call etc and half the time when I do she is out!) we know we can always count on each other just as we always have done.

I am going to miss her, infact-in a way I already do and she is still in the country and I think that has had an impact on this weeks pain levels. Once I get over the grief I feel just now I think I will start to get back on my feet but for now I am accepting that emotions have an effect on our pain levels.

These are some of our (ok...my) crazy photo poses from our last night...

Gentle Reminder...

Today I was reminded that the world is still full of goodness. How did I ever think for a second that giving up was an option?

I bought a new pretty top with some money I got given for my birthday way back (its a cute summer top I've been looking at for ages and they finally had a sale).

I spent a rewarding morning in a rest home with patients who at age over 85 are still full of life and an inspiration to anyone wondering whether to keep pushing on.

And I have been honoured with the offer of becoming a God mother! A wee baby is on the way and I am the luckiest person in the world and feel so humbled that I have been given the honour of becoming another precious baby's God mother.
Baby is only 10 weeks, due end of March so I have plenty of time to prepare some special gifts and watch over Mum to be. We had just recently started aqua fitness classes together and these are especially good for expectant mothers so I am going to make sure we continue going as it will be so good for her.

How could I have ever doubted my life and thought I was not worthy? I was beginning to loose all my confidence and self worth but now I feel like I mean something, that I am important and can make a difference-God bless life!

I'm a Proud GodMarmee

Here is a pile of cuteness I snapped last weekend, I cant believe how fast my baby has growed up!

And also a snap of one pair of shoes I got her...

Pain please go away...

I can't think, its way past my bedtime and I should have completed the written notes for a presentation I am helping give tomorrow...

My head is shouting pain pain PAIN and I need it to be unraveling the complexities of MS...

What on earth did I do to create this flare? and all I can think is-what will I do tomorrow if I'm still like this and I am supposed to be presenting my part of the talk? how can I stand up in front of my class and not cry because it hurts that much...

But I'm forever looking on the bright side...one more day till mid-semester break! and one day more till I get to play dress up and photo shoot with my god daughter and her family before I head home to my own family!

You are my Sunshine

It was such a beautiful day today, the hard frost fulfilled her promise of a clear blue sky and warm sunshine...

I enjoyed walking about today (despite the fact that I am paying for my actions) between lectures etc and labs, I went and did a spot of shoe shopping and I had a load of fun!
I didn't get shoes for me ;) but I got some pretty little things for my god Daughter (she is 5! I really cant believe how quickly she has grown up) and if her Mother says yes, I will put a picture up of her in her pretty little new shoes...I am a dotting god mother and love having someone to spoil and buy pretty things for.
We have fun playing tea parties and I love playing with her soft hair. When its nice weather I go round and play with her and her brothers outside in the sun, and in summer we go to the beach and have loads of fun in the sea. She is lovely and asked me to dinner tonight-how cute is that!

I just failed "Learning to say NO 101"

I'm sure I wasn't quite that bad as a 5 year old...though I do know I was a very messy child and drove my Mum mad.

I spent all of yesterday afternoon cleaning one of my cousins children's bedrooms up. She sent me a message in the morning asking if I would like to go and give miss 5 a hand as "it was turning into a headache for her", I don't blame her wanting to get out of it-it took me hours and by the end I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was collect up all the junk and throw it out but it wasn't my place so instead it is all sorted out.

I felt too mean to say no so instead of putting me and my nearly due (not nearly close to being done) assignment first, I said yes and now my assignment is giving me a headache - only problem is I cant call on anybody to do it for me lol.

After a lot of hard work and 'boom and bust' (against the advice of my OT) my anatomy assignment is almost done, just the last section to do and to write up the reference list and I'll be on to the next one but now I'm both physically and mentally fatigued.

Why wont I ever learn?

Learning to say yes...when its an offer of help

I had an exam this morning.

A few days ago we discussed this at the dinner table and as it was going to be on a Saturday my Uncle offered to take me into uni so I wouldn't have to ride in on my scooter.
Me being stubborn, as usual quickly said no and if I recall, it wasn't a very gracious no either, I feel like people are taking away my independence so I get very defensive very quickly.

Fast forward to this morning...wake up to blustery rain with snow on the hills-just what I need. I take a shower and try not to think about what is ahead of me never mind the exam...the very cold, very wet ride and then the long walk from one end of uni where I park my scooter to where my exam is. My foot is not behaving well at the moment because of the see-saw hot-cold weather we are having and riding my scooter is the worst because I cant wear any proper shoes that would help keep my feet warmer on the ride in.
Just as I am getting my wet weather pants out of my scooter and moving it out to the driveway ready to go, my Uncle has just got up and asks me again if I would like a lift in to uni...I feel so bad saying yes, this time not because I don't want a lift but because I'm lucky to have him here when I need it and I had already refused his help earlier. It really would have served me right if he hadn't offered again!

Somehow I need to come to terms with the fact that accepting help is not giving in or losing independence, it is simply being 'smart' and that I'm entitled to a bit of assistance to get me through.

The undergrad dean told me a few weeks ago that their job was to provide me with what I needed to continue on the program, but that it was MY job to make use of all the help that was available to me and just do my best. I don't have to do this on my own and trying to wont do me any favours.

This is a sentence I wrote in a scholarship application I applied for at the beginning of the year...

"I freely admit that in order to fulfil my dream, I will need ongoing help and support and I am not afraid to ask for it."

I think I need to remind myself that "A am not afraid to ask for help"!!!