Part 1 Have a little faith in me

As promised...Jo's 'Labour of love' and a reflection to go with each one. There are 5 in total that I will ramble about over the next wee while. These mean a lot to me and I know that each time I set eyes on them I will be reminded of her friendship and also of who I am, in her eyes at least.

"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say this to a Mulberry tree, 'be uprooted and planted in the sea' and it will obey you" Luke 17:6

Reminds me of that song by John Hiatt just now and I think we need to remember to have some faith in ourselves too (or at least I do).

Faith defines so much of who we are and I'm not just talking about religious faith, although that does come into being for a lot of people (including me).

Faith is being confident, trusting in something, someone. Faith is knowing, faith is believing...

Faith is what we need to hold on to, despite the world crumbing around us, despite everything we know or understand disappearing.

Faith is something dear to hold in your heart, something you know without knowing if that makes sense.

Our faith needs to be strong, to help us to see in the dark. When we need a hand to hold onto, faith reaches out.

Faith is the seed in our soul that grows into beautiful things, fills our eyes with brightness and hopefully never falters.

Faith makes all things possible, faith has no limits...

Share in my faith and shine with overflowing goodness. Stand tall and have faith in who you are, believe in yourself, each and everyone of you...as you help keep my faith strong and together we will move mountains.

Pain and exhaustion... a bad combination.

First day back was overwhelming on so many levels....
Too many for me to even try and figure out, so I think I will succumb to shear exhaustion and try and get some sleep (hopefully more than last night). Pain is bad tonight, burning all the way up to my hip and at the same time my foot is painfully frozen cold. I don't even know how I am going to survive this, I have no game plan. I cant believe how frightened I feel just now, like I'm out of my depth or something and I'm scared that at any moment someone is going to bust my cover and find out I don't belong in this level after all.

I think I just need a good nights sleep and everything will be rosy in the morning, I know I shouldn't let this get to me but sometimes its too strong to fight, I just want it all to go away.

Tomorrow afternoon I have a meeting with the associate dean, she thanked me for having the courage to contact her...I don't think I had courage, I just knew it was the right thing to do and I had to do it no matter how much I hate the thought of admitting what I have to admit. I am scared about it but at the same time I think I will feel relief too, I just hope I don't break down and cry too much.

Thank you all so much for all your comments, they mean the world to me, reading each one and knowing that I have people who care, care enough to say hi, care enough to read my rambles. Just now they mean I smile and feel loved, and that is the world to me.

Thank you, those two little words don't seem to do justice to the feeling that goes with them.

Untrue

I shed a tear for you, a river flowed.
You never saw the care I showed?

I wouldn't hurt you, why cant you see,
You were so very dear to me.

I opened up, I showed to you,
Behind the mask, real me to view.

I feel confused, I cannot say
why have I this price to pay?

What changed? What made you turn?
I have so very much to learn...

The things you said, they hurt me so
My heart you shattered with one blow.

I wish my grief would go away
You are not worth the time of day

I have wounds, they will not heal
Life is cruel, I know the deal.

I cried for you, I shed a tear,
This just shows real friends are rare.

Letting out the Hurt

Often times I try to gloss over the hard parts of living with chronic pain, well what good does it do me dwelling on it anyway? Or what good does it do anybody else? But recently I found out that in order to start feeling good once again (really good), I actually needed to get right down to the bottom have my pity party and then arise a new, ready to begin again on the right level and remind myself that I actually do have good days when I can compare them to the not so good times.

Bad days are ok, as long as you have good days too, as long as they re-focus you, and you don’t get caught up in the rotten feeling too long and forget that there is a reason to be alive.
There are many feelings that come over a person who lives in pain day in day out…

Frustration-at what you can’t do, at how others treat you, at the cognitive issues, being at the mercy of drugs you would much rather not take, at the abilities you used to be able to do and now have so much trouble with

Anger-at the Dr’s for not being able to help more, at yourself (what did I do to deserve this), just because you have all these dark feelings, because you cant make yourself do something just because you want to

Helplessness-that you have no power over what is happening, that despite what you do it has a mind of its own

Hopelessness-that you have no future, that nothing will change for the better, that there is nothing to look forward to

Loss of self worth-that because of the changes you are now of no worth to anybody, no-one will love you

Fear-of the unknown, of tomorrow, of next week, of next year…of a new procedure, a new drug

These are all very real feelings and the list goes on, things I’m sure we all go through at some point or another.
I am not ashamed to say that I cry, sometimes more of the day than not…I need to do this but these days are few.

But just because we have these feelings doesn’t mean we are incapable of feeling happy, excited, fulfilled, or lose the ability to smile and laugh and have fun - it just means we are human and sometimes this is an important thing to step back and remind ourselves of…we are human first and it is natural to think and feel everything we do and is not a moment of weakness or something to be ashamed of but just another natural part of being alive and it shows that yes we are human!

CRPS

Emotional breakdown

I am tired, I hurt, I am way behind in my uni work, I have 3 assignments on the go (though I actually got another one finished and handed in a day early) and am supposed to be studying for a mid-term. I also have to research some stuff for a lab presentation we have to do next week.

As well as "reflect" on each days learning...what do they think we are? machines? Everyone was a bit surprised at the speech we got about being adults and not needing to be told what to do and that we are supposed to be putting x number of hours in a week, we are, honestly and that work will be done, just not necessarily the night of the same day-there is that little thing called priority!

All I want to do is sleep, I mucked up an appointment slot so badly we couldn't even find it for any time and so now the next available time is next Wednesday. I really need to see this person like a month ago but there is no point seeing someone else cos she knows all about me so I just have to wait. It was me who put it off in the first place though so I only have myself to blame.

I knew this was going to be hard, everyone told me it wasn't going to be easy but I sure didn't think I would ever be saying it was too hard...
I'm barely holding on, I'm not sinking just yet, but I'm not sure how long I can hold on. And I hate having to admit that I need help, all I want to be is normal like the rest of my class and able to get through the day...Is that too much to ask?

...oh make that-I am in pain (not just I hurt) this sucks.

So, sorry this was such a sucky post...I'm going to put my sorry self to bed and hopefully wake up a happier person tomorrow, or maybe not waking up at all would solve all my problems...