When the price for not doing is greater than the price for doing

I've been working on this post off and on few a few weeks but now have hopefully finished it, I dont think its as good as I wanted it to be but I hope it makes sense despite that...

When the price for not doing is greater than the price for doing...

And that is a force to be reckoned with (and sometimes it needs to be).

What I’m trying to say is sometimes the pain and exhaustion associated with a certain activity or thing is outweighed by the feeling of achievement you get from actually going the extra mile and pushing through. This drive is probably similar to the drive that helps amazing people do amazing things. I’m not talking about the usual situation when you push yourself every day to get out of bed, when just laying there and waiting for the world to go by is the easy way out… I’m talking about when you need something more to give you the incentive to reach harder goals…and this is where price tag logic comes in.


Have you heard of the spoon theory? Heres the link just in case…but sometimes you just say “to hell with spoons, I’m going to do it anyway” this isn’t something to be taken lightly, and isn’t something that is done on a regular basis but its something I am sure most if not all people who experience chronic pain go through at varying points in their lives.

In my head, its something like this:
Getting up in the morning-1 spoon
Going out for lunch with a friend-2 spoons
Proving you can do something you’ve been told is impossible? Priceless…you cant put a spoon value (or any other energy value) on this because the price for not doing it is greater than the price you pay for going ahead and doing what you set out to do.

You will pay in many ways later and sometime dearly, but that price is worth the feeling of ‘normal’/’take that’/yes I CAN still…etc I hope you get the picture...

This is what has got me through 3 years so far of physiotherapy (PT) school…and what will get me through the next year and then whatever comes next and then next… If I was wanting to let pain take over and do the whole woe is me and wanted to sulk and wallow in pain all day, would I push myself? Hell no... would I push myself knowing that I was going to ‘pay’ for it? You bet not! But everything has a price and in the chronic pain game its getting ahead with stubbornness and pigheadedness to just say ‘go to hell’ to pain and do whatever anyway. There is also this kind of desperation to look and act normal whatever the price, the consequences don’t matter, or not until they come and then you deal with them but those memories fade and you still have the ones worthy of remembering.

There are times when this logic comes in with family time, with friend time, with study, with life in general…when you have the opportunity to do something you would have done without thinking BEFORE you became a chronic pain player…only this time you have to think more than twice and roll the dice hoping that doing it anyway isn’t going to push you over the edge. Just because something falls into the priceless category doesn’t mean it doesn’t come at a cost (you just pretend it doesn’t till later), sometimes the cost is so high you set yourself back…sometimes to the point of serious heath issues and yes I have done this-more than once too...and I expect there will be times I make the decision and this will be the outcome again. But would I change the decision I made? Probably not, those kind of memories are worth more than a few days or weeks of messed up life.

I think its important to remember to push for those things that MATTER, push harder than maybe you might ordinarily and be proud of what you achieve because you are showing the true grit and strength that by believing in yourself you are capable of. You are more than pain, and can overpower it (even if what you are achieving may seem small to others...what would they know if they don't walk your in your shoes?)

So love yourself today, take pride in your achievements and think back on the times you overpowered pain and made a PRICELESS memory. Cos I'm proud of you too...

When you have to, you find you can...

I am learning that there really is no such thing as can't.

Its funny analyzing your thought process, thinking through the possible whys and reasons behind your actions and emotions...why did I react like that, why did I say that, why did I decide to do this over the other choices? "Why?" is such an open question and sometimes its scary finding out the truth.

My initial thoughts on coming off tramadol and decreasing gabapentin were almost of panic as much as I am ashamed, its the truth. Why? It was a lot of fear and catastrophizing. In my head all I could think of was my upcoming big exams (feeling I'm going to fail), the pain last year that meant I got put on the tramadol in the first place. And that I had turned the meds into my validation and justify that I have pain. I'm not proud of my thought process in relation to the drugs but at the same time this is real, this is my life and this blog is my place to be real to you. I never felt like I just NEEDED the drugs, and I had no trouble stopping them despite the withdrawal symptoms but I still felt like without them life would just suck in general (and I didnt want that after 9 months of what I felt was reasonable pharmaceutical managemtent).

Do I really need drugs to validate pain? This is a hard question to answer but simple too, NO I dont need drugs to prove I am in pain and really why do I need to prove I am in pain anymore? I should be working towards it becoming just another part of my life like having to arms and needing to wear glassing to see properly. People dont make a big deal about those and I think what I want to work towards is CRPS becoming just like my slight vision impairment, something of no greater importance (I dont want to say it is not important because I think it still is, just as it is a part of my life now but it is no more important than anything else), I dont want to be known because I have pain, rather known because I know how to help people get to the same point I am working towards.

I am now in more pain than I was when I was taking tramadol, but now I have an opportunity to use all the the tools I have been shown or learnt over the last year or so of searching for information and also the little that has been presented to my class.
I had a long email conversation with an amazing lady in Canada who has such an understanding of pain science that I wish that oneday I will understand some things like her. She asked some thoughtful questions and made me really think about my faulty coping mechanisms. And that maybe some of the things I'm doing might not being treating my nervous system in the best way.

The one I let go first of all is being calm, as soon as things happen out of my control I lose control of me and also loose any sense of being cool calm and collected. I need to change the way I react in order to control my physiological and psychological body reactions.

I feel like I have an advantage in a sense; I have access to many resources due to my studies, I am in contact with people who have such a great understanding and who work with people in chronic pain. I am human and I make mistakes but I also have some baseline knowledge so I can see what I'm doing and how it is affecting me physically but more importantly emotionally because afterall, pain has such an emotional component.

In the last few days I have had time to reflect while sitting on the bus (I've turned a negative into a positve :), its about half an hour of time in the morning and then the evening, to think; about either whats going to happen through the day or how I think the day went. It also gives me a chance to day dream, relax and notice that this 'reflective' time is something I have missed out of my day for a long time. I'm consciously telling myself to slow down, to relax, to not worry about exams, to breathe and you know what I think in time this 'mind regulation' will be just as good as drugs (and better because it doesnt include toxins) and that is my goal...

I have proved I can still get out of bed in the morning with less drugs in my system, ok so the first few were harder than I thought, but the point is I did it.

The next step is learning to stay calmer and not get frustrated with my body, I'm going to try the whole 'go with the flow' thing and see, and if my feet say "take those shoes off now" you know what? I think I will listen...

Part 3- Love is...

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:1

How I love that passage, it is such a simple verse but very powerful.
I think today is a fitting day to ramble about this word and what it encompasses. It is more than just meaning, it is a word that has such depth and such strong emotion because without it there is nothing.

Mother's day is all about love, without love this day would be lacking, because it is a Mother's love that is so strong as to lift the hearts of all even when one is close to despair. She nurtures love in her children, teaching them the simple ways of love and by her actions shows the sacrifice that love has to make at times. Love is not always easy, it is not always noticed but when it is true, love is everything.

I feel loved...
...my friends and my family wrap a thick coat of love around, me and it is this shield that protects me from mortal danger when I fall, their love is keeping me alive. When all else fails, love stays strong, love conquers all. I am nothing without love. Love is seen in people's actions, is heard in their softly spoken words, is felt in their all-enveloping embrace and comforts you so....your heart can relax, calmed by the knowledge that you are safe in the arms of someone who loves you.

It never ceases to amaze me just how much love people can show, and how many people their love can be shared with. I think that the more love you show, the more love you will have to share and the more you will be loved in return-its an everlasting circle.

Take time to share your love, say those 3 words to the people who matter to you...they may be simple but when said with meaning, they move mountains.

Mum, I LOVE YOU.

and all you people around the world who show me such love....I LOVE YOU TOO!

Part 2 Give me Strength

But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles; They shall run and not be weary; They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

Strength is not how hard you try, but not giving up in the face of adversity...

Strength is what makes up pick ourselves up and carry on despite...

Strength is what lets you forgive someone when they did something that really hurt you...

Strength is what makes you take that leap when you are scared and not sure of what you are getting into...

Every time we face a new fear it makes us stronger...and teaches us more about ourselves too.

It takes strength to get up in the morning, strength to carry on when the going gets tough, strength to be you and not try and be something you aren't.

Strength is not just about how heavy you can lift or how long you can hold, but how you battle on each and every day, how you survive to make it to the next.

And I'll leave you with this quote which sums it up quite nicely I think (sorry I'm not sure who wrote it):

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Untrue

I shed a tear for you, a river flowed.
You never saw the care I showed?

I wouldn't hurt you, why cant you see,
You were so very dear to me.

I opened up, I showed to you,
Behind the mask, real me to view.

I feel confused, I cannot say
why have I this price to pay?

What changed? What made you turn?
I have so very much to learn...

The things you said, they hurt me so
My heart you shattered with one blow.

I wish my grief would go away
You are not worth the time of day

I have wounds, they will not heal
Life is cruel, I know the deal.

I cried for you, I shed a tear,
This just shows real friends are rare.

Tips for a better life...

I don't normally do the whole pass it on thing but these really stuck a chord for me and I thought I would share them with you my lovely readers if you feel like reading them, some of them are pretty important things to remember I have a feeling...

By Nithya Shanti
Tips for Better Life

1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
3. Sleep for 7 hours.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Play more games.
6. Read more books than you did the previous year.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
11. Drink plenty of water.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
18. Smile and laugh more.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
25. Forgive everyone for everything.
26. What other people think of you is none of your business.
27. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
28. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
29. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
30. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
31. The best is yet to come.
32. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
33. Do the right thing!
34. Call your family often.
35. Your inner most is always happy. So be happy.
36. Each day give something good to others.
37. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
38. Share this with someone you care about

Through the eyes of the year

As the end of this year comes to a close, its time to look back upon things and reflect. What have I learnt? What have I achieved? What am I going to strive for in the New Year? Have I shown myself worthy of all the good that is around me? And so it goes…

This year has been unique in many ways, eventful, challenging, trying, good mixed in with ‘bad’.
I started and completed my first proper year of physio school, I finally got my CRPS diagnosis (after struggling for over 2 years), found an informed pain specialist and great physio, I made some truly amazing friends, I proved dreams can come true…

I learnt so many things, things that have meaning, things that don’t come easily. To carry on when the going gets tough and to believe those good times do come, to be brave when facing the unknown and fight like a lion.
I learnt a lot about myself, to trust my judgement; to persevere in the face of others doubt and that I am worthy. I learnt to put myself first sometimes, to listen to my body and that it’s ok to have bad days. I discovered that its fine to ask for help and that it’s not showing failure or weakness.
I learnt the importance of having people to talk to, the necessity of sharing with others and being a sounding board in return. I found out I could actually be helpful even though there is ocean between and many miles of separation. I discovered the healing in a simple act such as a hug or a kiss, the unburdening and secure feeling that occurs without words between two people who totally understand each other. I learnt that there are medical people you can trust and that some really do understand what you are going through.
I have learnt a lot…

I still have a long way to go in accepting my life as it is, I still have many things to learn and many things to achieve before I can say that I have fulfilled my obligations in this life, but I feel I am on the right path. Do I stumble? Of course I do, but I have friends to take my hand and draw me back to the path and I have faith. Do I forget to count my blessings? For sure, but I have reminders that let me know how fortunate I am.
Yes I live in constant pain, yes I have continuous barriers to overcome, yes I pretend to most of the world that I am fine, yes I have times when I feel like I can take it no more BUT I am still alive, I have been blessed with life…I still wake up in the morning and see the sun come in the window. I still hear the birds chirping in the trees and I still have hope. For as long as I wake up each morning, I have a reason to live and because of that I have a reason to fill this life with good things and to help others fill their life with the same. I have been given a beautiful gift and it is an honour to be able to go out and share it with the world.

So 2009, I am ready and waiting with open arms:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

CRPS

Sunrise

Here is a little poem thing I thought up today when I was sick of study...

Sunrise

Bright as the day she dances into the room
Instantly the air is lightened with a sweet fragrance I cannot name
She floats past me though I do not catch her shadow

I wonder who sent her and how long she will stay.

Gazing through half open eyes, I catch a glimpse
The sparkle of her smile and the rosy glow of her cheeks warm me
She is a happy thing without a care in the world
How my spirit welcomes her gift of hope in life

As I lay here, her warmth slowly increases
I bask in this happiness she is showering so generously
Her power to awaken me is fascinating
I hope she will whisper the secret to me.

Is she calling my name? I start to get restless
I question out loud, yearning to know, but her words are softer than wind
Though I cannot hear, I feel in my heart uplifted
I promise to her that her gift will be treasured.

Learning

Sometimes I feel that everything gets harder the more I try,
That nothing I do will ever get me where I want to be.
I want to scream to the world that I didn’t choose this life,
I don’t want to go on forever like this; I just want to have fun like everyone else.

I look back and things used to be so easy, why did it have to all change?
I have no answer to this question but how would that help me anyway?
Half of me wants to show everyone how I feel so they know just what its like,
The other half just wants to hide it all away so no one knows,
I don’t like getting treated differently.
I wish I could just show them that I have not changed, I am still me and I have feelings.

Then I look around and I see people dealing with what life has thrown them,
Bigger obstacles than I have to deal with.
They don’t show the frustration or anger I’m sure must be a reality to them,
Instead they are here, helping me learn not to say “I can’t” or let anything get in the way of my success.
Do they still feel doubt but unlike me, have mastered the art of hiding it away like I so desperately want to be able to do?

I am starting to see now that if I had one wish it would not be to go back to how things were, I am thankful for all the lessons I have learnt and still need to learn.
There is so much I could never understand had I not been given this path.
I am slowly learning that I am tougher than I thought and that even though many things are not easy this doesn’t make them impossible.

I have started on the journey of realisation and greater understanding.
Learning is not something to be taken lightly though sometimes I wish you could learn everything out of a book.
Instead we must learn by living and by experiencing and sometimes this is harder than you might think.
Life is what you make it, not what it throws at you and I am not one to be beaten.

I am no hero, but victory is all the sweeter when you have to work hard to earn it.