When it all feels too hard...

...its time to step up to the challange.

Things have been really weird lately, in many directions. I just want to start over and try harder but you cant do that in real life. I'm making bad choices and they are having a ripple effect and then all I do is make more bad choices.

I cant be bothered and am lazy apparently, and that really hurt to hear. I dont go out and socialise because I feel so out of place and uncomfortable (and because I'm so tired and in pain by the end of the day)-not because I cant be bothered!
So because this was said to me, I am now proving the statement wrong; I went for 2 walks on the beach this week, to ballet, and to aquafitness class (which includes a walk up and down a hill to the pool) as well as all my scheduled classes and then extra group meet ups. I am not lazy, I'm just scared of socialising and feel really self conscious when I dont have something specific to be doing.

I went to a party the other week, the girl who's birthday it was is really nice and I knew that I wouldn't feel pressured into anything. I almost didnt go at the last minute cos I felt really ill but I'm glad I went-I really enjoyed myself (and may have met a really nice boy so watch this space).

I find it really hard to put myself in positions where I'm not in control of the situation, socialising is not something you can control. I dont know what to talk about, I hate standing up and I dont drink (which is a big part of the student culture here). I dont know how to relax and just want to hide. I think its cos I feel so different and I dont get included in things that much, I feel like people are just putting up with me and I dont like forcing myself on them. I worry too much about other people and what they are thinking. I need a security blanket of some kind or someone to hide behind, I wish I was more outgoing.

But yesterday the girl who's party it was told me I had to go to more, that they were so surprised that I went and really happy I did make the effort. She posted some photos with me in on facebook and I am learning that people really do actually like me. So now I just have to try and loose my inhibitions a bit and make more effort because I resent being told I am just lazy.

There is more stuff going on, uni this semester is even more full on if that is possible and I dont think I have a great handle on exactly what is going on. I'm keeping up with classes but very behind in study, once I get my head around the timetable better I think I will settle into a better routine. But I've already started telling myself I havent done enough and need to really do way more work...I hate being type A

And I'm having a battle with eating...loosing weight I really shouldnt be, and dont seem to be able to snap out of whatever mindset I'm in that is saying its ok cos I'm feeling better this way. I getting through the day better this way why would I want to change? I know why, I'm just chosing not to

Bad choices, my life is full of them right now.

On the outside I'm fine, ever capable, reliable, smiling even (just a little thin)...

On the inside, I dont really know...