If wishes were horses, beggars would ride...

How I wish that I could stop feeling sick. Nausea sucks...

nausea+random pain+crps pain+exam stress=too much.

I'm being worn down by having to deal with all this, despite the fact I have actively stopped stressing about exams, I know subconsciously I still am. But I have been through exams with crps before and I didn't make myself physically sick so I'm inclined to think that there is more going on.
Also the nausea started over a month ago, way before even the hint of exam pressure was dawning.

I feel worse once I have eaten, which is making life difficult as you cant just stop eating (or at least I cant afford to).

I have figured out that a piece of toast in the morning (minus the bottom crust) and a glass of juice to take my meds, will stay down. Any more and I have trouble stopping it come back up. Lunch time I can eat a few crackers and an apple or a yoghurt if I'm lucky...
Dinner mostly I'm eating almost 2/3rds of what I had been and feel pretty sick but can keep it down if I stay still.
If I try eating any more than that then watch out my stomach will not like it and it wont stay down.
I'm sipping water throughout the day so I'm keeping hydrated.

Last night I had a piece of chocolate cake a bit after dinner and boy did I regret it afterwards but it did taste nice :)

I'm not sleeping due to the tummy pain and nausea, feeling pretty tired due to the lack of sleep, end of semester and probably lack of food.
Starting to get pretty upset with myself because I'm not able to spend the time I know I should be and need to studying. I have to lay curled up a lot because that's the best position to keep from puking and you cant study like that (not when you feel rotten anyway).

I'm starting to notice subtle signs that I'm losing weight, which is something I am very aware I need to stop because I don't have reserves to loose.
A friend suggested I just become anorexic to solve the problem!!!which is terrible advice, there is no way I can afford to even get myself into that way of thinking.

I have a Dr's appointment tomorrow to get a medical certificate to go with my special consideration application and I really hope that this guy will be able to suggest something to help me feel better.
Because its been suggest this is related to crps I don't really know what to think about it. I cant wait for my pain specialist appointment next month to ask him his opinion, because I guess he is my specialist and will hopefully give me some direction on what could be going on. I don't like the thought this actually could be crps, I don't deal well with nausea and if I cant get it under control there is no way I am going to be able to get through the rest of the year with clinical placements etc. I just don't see it possible...crps is hard enough without adding daily nausea to it.

I'm just so tired of no relief and no end in sight, what could possibly be causing all this to be happening?

She's on my side

I have an ally and it feels so good knowing she is on my side. The associate dean actually said that she knew I had what it takes to do this, but my body was being difficult just now.
She was really nice and understanding...I felt so bad that I was presenting with yet another problem, but as she said, I couldn't do anything about the free fluid and being ill and how it affected me and that it was important to listen to my body and rest if that was what I needed to do. That I cant do any more than I am just now and she realises that and also realises that I dont like the situation so I am doing as much as I can.

She is going to try and sort out the missed terms test but said it is not something that gets resat next year so I'm not sure what will get done about it. Its only finals that get offered as specials at the beginning of the following year. I'm also to fill out special consideration for all my upcoming practicals and exams because of how my preparation and performance will have been affected and she said if I do not pass anything then it should be taken into consideration and not affect terms (rhis round most of them are internals for full year papers, only one is a final exam). I'm hoping that I will scrape through but just now I'm not sure I have a proper handle on anything, fingers crossed thats just a feeling and I'm not as behind as I think.

So thats one meeting down, yet another meeting tomorrow with the disability office to see how they can help me sort out this mess. I'm hoping they have a good plan of attack to help me wade through all the missed classes etc. I'm also hoping that I dont cry...I always end up crying in these meetings and I feel so weak when I do, and that I must look pathetic. I just want to show them I can do this and its hard having to admit to needing help when you pretend to look so normal to the outside world. Its like a double edged sword "I'm fine, I'm fine...but I need help..."

I feel fake

Superhuman I am not...

...so why do I take on more than my fair share? Why do I continually say I will take care of things when its clear I'm having trouble just being here?

Because I need to be in control, in charge; to make sure things are done to my standard and I'm not up for compromise, I'm pathetic.

Its after 7pm on a Sunday night, I've just taken the whole last week off uni to try and get better (which I don't seem to have achieved), my foot and leg is yelling at me (its pretty high on the pain scale), muscles in my leg are spasming uncontrollably, my thigh is not even liking the lightness of my trouser touching it, my back hurts, my head is pounding I can hardly focus and I'm physically and mentally exhausted... and I'm sitting at uni organizing a poster presentation.

WTF??? how did I let myself?

Yes the other's have contributed, yes they have done their part in this but I took it upon myself to put the whole load together, to spruce up the sample poster, to make it ours and original. I'm also coming up with the 'script' for our presentation to go with the poster. Why can't I trust someone else to organise it? Why couldn't I have given my research to one of the others to put it all together? Why? Because I need to control things and I am a born organiser (I remember being told this in primary school...how good I was as organising and making sure things got done and done well), I have idea's and want things to be the best they can be and I think I can acheive that....but this would have been a good time to decide that passing was good enough, I dont have the energy or the brain power.


I just realised I'm not superhuman...but its too late.

DO NOT ask me how I am

I may just will cry. Heck even if you just look at me my eyes may well up. You can asked me if I slept at all last night(it looks that bad? yes it looks that bad...), just dont sound like you care and I should be ok.

There is this horrible tension where I'm living, making life pretty miserable. I tend to hide in my room and I hate coming home now because I never know if its ok to say hi or whether I should say nothing. I dont know if she means to be like that, its just how it feels and I tend to be pretty sensitive to whats in the air.

Put that on top of a physio induced flare and chronic lack of sleep and its turned into a recipe for emotional breakdown. I just want to go home and cant wait till Easter when I get to go home for 9 days, it will be so nice to be looked after by my Mum for a week.

RANT...My life is a soap opera

How come people have the right to add to the stress I already live with on a day to day basis?

Its useless trying to make them understand what its like for me, they cant understand as they have no perception of what it takes to get out of bed and make it to an 8am lecture, what it takes to make it to the 5pm end of the day. I know everyone has trouble getting up for 8am but waking up every morning exhausted, in intense pain, half blind and with a pretty visible tremor that takes a good half hour to settle is not normal, well it is for me but I dont think it is for most people.

Add to that physical and emotional stress and you start to falter, start to lose faith in your abilities to cope with the outside world and try to hide even more. I have been told pretty firmly (by 2 different professionals) that I NEED to get my act together and go back to counselling so I know I need to, I just feel like even that is one thing too much at the moment. I know it is going to be hard and I just dont know if I have enough in me to deal with everything around me and cope with that too...why does life seem so darn complicated?

I had my first day at placement where I did not feel I could handle patients, I hadn't slept all night except for half an hour (I messed up my meds and my whole body was burning hot and sweating all night) and feel extremely dizzy and nauseous. I was so disappointed in myself despite the fact I couldnt really do anything about it. Luckily I didn't have my own patients to treat, I was just supposed to be assistant for my classmate so I just asked one of the other girls to help when it came to balance assistance.

I had my midway personal assessment and I feel much more comfortable with the clinical educator after the first week so yesterday morning I basically said that I suffered the same 3 'invisible' symptoms she talked about for MS and that everything was undercontrol as far as the Associate Dean was concerned. I said she could trust me that I wouldn't put anyone in danger but I still felt disappointed, I was hoping to get through the first placement fine. I even had to leave a tutorial half way through to nap for an hour so I could make it to the end of the day. I think I need to figure out a better strategy to help me get through the days when I have no breaks but lunch time, something I think I will got back to my student advisor to talk about.

I wish I could snap my fingers and all my worries would disappear, it sounds so much easier...can I really do this? am I doing the right thing?

Getting back up.....slowly

The world wasn't instant brightness the next morning but it is slowly showing me that it hasn't forgotten the recipe so I know that it is there somewhere.
Just a quick one to keep you updated, I had my meeting with the Associate Dean (who is lovely by the way). She is keeping everything confidential for now, deciding that if we tell everyone then it will bias my grading. Instead, she is trusting me to know when I feel unwell and then I am to inform my clinical educator on that day as patient safety (and my own) is paramount.

I really appreciate the fact that she feels she can trust me to make that judgment and this way I can show my capabilities naturally and then hopefully pass the competencies in a truthful way. I still need to show that I am capable, something that would be hard if I was having to 'prove' myself while not being 'allowed' near certain patients because of somehow being 'unsafe'...something that got in my way last year and created some complicated situations.

I would never put anyone else in danger so I know that she is right in trusting me, its just nice that she feels she can! And I also like the fact that she is wanting to keep in touch so we are going to meet up again in a couple of weeks just to see how everything is going. I feel like this shows that she really does want to offer me support and is not just saying it. I have also been given the name of someone else I can talk to about any aspect of the course (in confidence) should I wish to do so.

I am quite relieved as now I know the right person knows about me and also feel better knowing there are ways and means to get through even if it means taking a slightly longer route that normal.

Next on my list is to go and see my student advisor at Disability Information and Support (who I have been seeing for the last 2 years on and off) to get my paper work in (proving I am elegible for extra assistance) and organise access to the special quiet room in the library and my digital recorder and also anything else that I may find useful this year that she may suggest :)

I go and see a new dr, early next week too (my friend who also has CRPS has been seeing her for a couple of years) Lovely Jo is going to introduce me so that will be helpful and I think it will be nice having a dr who knows and understands how CRPS can affect a person on so many levels.

But there are still somethings going on that are a bit stressful. There are aspects of my life that have got more complicated, all I can say is it seems to be turning into a series of unfortunate events, but overall I feel much calmer-more in control.

And if a bit more in control is how I feel then that is nothing to be sneezed at, a few days ago I was drowning but now I am treading water-a much better place to be even if I still have to learn to swim to the shore.

Stupid wrist...

4th lot of x-rays in 6 weeks
Special doc appointment booked
Wearing my splint as instructed

WHY THE FREAK DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

Anyway its done and its turning into another interesting experience. I am sure people are just being anal about it all but then I guess this is better than just leaving it and then finding out later that things are not as they should be.

I had a hand therapy appointment yesterday to be assessed. My thumb joint and scaphoid area are "angry" as put by the physio lol. I've been told the most important things is managing the pain to see if we can get it to settle and see if a more localised area can be identified as the problem. I have good ROM (I had been working on this before I went) which is just as well, I am a physio student after all!

I am not to be stubborn...I am to wear my splint, not spend too long doing my Christmas crafts or spend too long in the garden (20 min rather than hours), heat pack it blah blah blah and I'll be going back to see him at some stage in the near future I guess.

I am so so sick of all this, am I ever going to have a time when I can just be normal and like do all the ordinary things people do over summer break? like work and um have fun instead of never ending physio, doctors, specialists, medical tests, blah blah appointments?
Have I or have I not done enough of this for one lifetime????